Brave New World
by andersex
Summary: Rachel Berry loved Jesse more than anything...which was why she couldn't go back to him, not yet. Without her, life had no meaning. Everything meant...nothing. After an accident that isn't so accidental, Rachel comes back...but is it too late?  St.Berry
1. Everybody's Changing

**Chapter One: **Everbody's Changing

*-*  
_So little time  
Try to understand that I'm  
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game  
I try to stay awake and remember my name  
But everybody's changing  
And I don't feel the same_

Everybody's Changing – Keane

*-* 

Jesse St. James had never been to a real party before. He had no desire to indulge in any lewd teenage behavior and inject any illegal substances into his body. He'd never gone out with his team mates from Vocal Adrenaline to the after parties, preferring instead to go home and watch recordings of their performances, critiquing where they could have done better. He was generally admired and mutually disliked by all of his team mates for these reasons, but he didn't care. He didn't care that they thought he was boring and too serious; all that mattered to him was winning.

Until he met Rachel Berry.

When he met her that day in the music store it was like a few layers of ice surrounding his heart had thawed out, giving the talented singer a chance to inch her way in and become the most important aspect of his life.

But now she was gone…and he didn't know what to do.

He had gone to her house the day after they got back from Regional's and had been devastated and shocked to hear from her father's that she was going to be spending the summer in New York with her Aunt and Uncle, and that she didn't want him to make any contact with her.

He refused to abide by her wishes and called repeatedly for the first three weeks, until someone else answered her phone. It was a man, a dangerous sounding one, and he told Jesse to leave his girl alone or he'd break his face. Three days later her number was changed, and he had no way to contact her because no one from her old glee club would talk to him long enough to tell him, not even Quinn.

He and Quinn had established a weird sort of friendship since Shelby had adopted Beth, probably because he spent so much time around Shelby. Whenever he was sad, upset, or angry about Rachel or anything like that he would go see Shelby and Beth and try his best to pretend that Rachel was still talking to him.

Shelby let him pretend, because it was easier than dealing with the truth.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"Is Jesse coming over again?" Quinn asked Shelby as she helped set out the plates on the table, watching the older woman's interactions with their daughter. Shelby had arranged to have an open adoption and had graciously allowed Quinn to move in with her in order to be around Beth as often as possible. Quinn knew that when Beth got older Shelby would be known as Mom, but it still made her feel good to be around Beth as much as possible. She was living with Shelby for the summer, and she dreaded having to move away from Beth and back in with her mother when school started back up.

"He said he wasn't. I think he's having a rough day, he sounded horrible." Quinn furrowed her brow and thought back to her last conversation with Jesse, and how it had unnerved her.

They had been talking on the phone and when Jesse revealed that he wasn't going to be around as much anymore he told her that he was trying to move on, and then he'd hung up the phone. Quinn wondered what moving on entailed but she hadn't asked, because it wasn't really any of her business.

Except that it was, considering she was giving Rachel weekly updates on Jesse St. James, the man that she still loved. Rachel was living with her relatives in New York and was having an awesome time, except that she missed Jesse more than she wanted to admit. She had broken down to Quinn and told her all of her secrets, and Quinn had been shocked. She understood why Rachel stayed away though; it was a test for Jesse. She wanted to trust Jesse again but her heart had been so played with that she just couldn't be around him until she was sure, so she watched from a distance.

Quinn told Rachel that letting Jesse think she had moved on was a bad idea, but Rachel was just trying to protect herself. When she told Rachel that Jesse was thinking about moving on she knew that the brunette girl was worried, but she told her that she didn't think Jesse would actually be able to move on, he was so enamored.

Rachel decided it was about time for her to come home.

Or in a month.

She was ready, but she was scared.

"I'm going to give him a call. Be right back." Quinn left the room and took the stairs up to her bedroom, grabbing her cell phone off the desk and calling a familiar number. A number she never thought she'd be dialing again after their last conversation.

"Is he there?"

"Quinn. You need to stop calling, Jesse is a big boy. He can handle himself."

"He really can't, Andrea. That's why I keep calling."

Andrea Cohen was the only Vocal Adrenaline member that Quinn knew personally, and it was purely by coincidence that they'd even met. Back when they'd been trying to enlist the VA choreographer to help them with their routines, he had been torturing VA and Andrea to the point of exhaustion. Quinn and Andrea had bonded over a shared problem; Andrea was secretly pregnant. The two of them had established somewhat of a bond until about twelve weeks into her pregnancy, when she fell down during a VA practice and miscarried the baby. They had tried to remain as friendly as they had before then, but their friendship had died when Quinn was just a painful remainder of what Andrea had lost.

They only talked once a week now, when Quinn got her Jesse updates. The ones that she would never ever share with Rachel.

"I'm trying to watch out for him, but I can't go everywhere with him Quinn. Why don't you just ask about it yourself? I don't think he's a very good liar."

"I have asked him about it, and he denied it." Quinn could remember the conversation she'd had with Jesse quite clearly, and it hadn't gone well. He had just accused her of trying to ruin his life and had stormed out without answering any of her questions.

She didn't know what to do anymore.

"I have to go." Andrea said quickly, hanging up the phone before Quinn could say a word. She looked at the call disconnected read out across the phone and set it down gently on the bed before pressing her hands to her face and crying softly.

She had no idea what to do.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"!"

Jesse heard the shouts as he walked into the crowded house and he sent all the admirers a suggestive smirk before sauntering into the room, pushing through the crowd of people towards the kitchen. He made his way to the counter and leant up against the counter, counting to ten silently in his head. Without fail, when he hit four a pretty looking blonde girl in a short black skirt and sexy red tube top was standing directly in front of him, two Smirnoff Ice's in her hands. She handed one to him and he took it, downing it in a few gulps before taking the second one and doing the same. She giggled and introduced herself but he ignored her, grabbing another drink from the cooler behind him. He could hear her talking and he pretended to be engaged, nodding and smiling with a few casual laughs thrown in for good measure. By the way she was beaming up at him; he could tell that he was passing the test.

He almost had enough drinks in him to be able to kiss her and not think about Rachel Berry.

Almost.

After a few more drinks and some shots, he was so wasted that he could barely remember his own name, let alone the girls. He pressed her up against the wall and kissed her lips fiercely, coldly, ignoring the sounds that she was making. In his mind she was Rachel Berry, the girl he loved more than life itself, and as long as he kept his eyes closed the illusion wouldn't be shattered. He allowed her to lead him into the bedroom, slamming the door behind them as clothing was shed. Unlike with Rachel, he didn't take things slow. He did what he had to do and then left while the girl was sleeping, unable to pretend that she was Rachel in the light of day. It happened so often that he didn't even get hangovers anymore, he would just go home and sleep until nightfall and proceed to repeat the process all over again.

Until one day, things changed.

He didn't remember inviting anyone over, but when he woke up at 9pm he wasn't surprised to find his house full of people. He staggered out of his bedroom and passed by several faces, no one that he knew by name though. His VA team mates had stopped going out to the parties as National's was in two weeks, and if they could see him now he knew that they would be kicking his ass for even contemplating getting trashed again. If Jesse could be honest with himself, he'd admit that getting drunk and sleeping with random drunk girls wasn't helping him anymore. He couldn't keep lying to himself, closing his eyes and hoping that Rachel would just materialize in front of him.

He needed something else. Something to make the pain go away.

As he wandered through his house he quickly realized that the only person he recognized was Andrea Cohen, and she was quite possibly the last person he wanted to talk to. She had been pregnant with his baby, unfortunately for him, and she had miscarried during one of their VA practices. Well at least he assumed it had been his baby, they had been dating at the time, but with her you never know. It probably wasn't even his. He didn't care enough to ask, he was happier not knowing. She was sitting on the couch talking to a random blonde girl he didn't recognize, and he passed them by without even acknowledging them. He marched past a scared looking kid that was probably a freshman, grabbed his drink and downed it in seconds, throat burning when he realized it was straight liquor. He had never tried drinking really hard liquor straight, preferring to stick to beer and coolers, but the burn of the alcohol in his throat momentarily made him loose his balance, and forget about the one person who was always on his mind.

He grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniel's off the counter and took a drink out of it, wincing as the alcohol ran down his throat.

He would have to get used to it.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"Rachel, sweetie, are you sure you don't want to go see Spring Awakening with us tonight?" Her Aunt asked sweetly, noticing that Rachel seemed sadder than usual. Rachel just shook her head, stating that she'd rather stay in and get caught up on the numbers that she'd been practicing for the invitational in October. Her Aunt gave her a pitying look and left with the rest of the family, hoping that whatever was bothering Rachel could be solved, as the sadness in the young girls eyes reminded her of the same look she used to see in her brothers eyes before he met his life partner. She was lonely and missing the boy she loved, it was understandable to be that sad.

When Rachel heard the door slam behind her Aunt she jumped up off of the bed and went over to the computer in the den, which her fathers had explicitly refused to allow her to use. They said that while she was in New York she should stay away from any kind of technology like the computer, as all it would do was make her miss Jesse more. She logged into MySpace and grinned when she saw that she had many notifications and messages. She liked that people from Lima were missing her, and it made her feel better to know that her presence was missed. Many of the messages were from Jesse, dated over a month ago, and she noted that the messages died off after the 12th of July. She wondered what had happened on that day to make him decided to stop sending her messages. It was the 18th of July currently, and over a month since Jesse had sent her any kind of message. She wondered if he really was trying to move on, like Quinn had mentioned in their last phone conversation.

"It's been a long time coming down this road, and now I know what I've been searching for." She sang quietly to herself, looking through the pictures on her MySpace account. She stopped when she came to a picture of her and Jesse, with her arms wrapped around his neck as he pressed a kiss to her lips. They looked so happy and in love, that she couldn't even begin to fathom how those people had become the people they were now. She knew that she was a wreck and as for Jesse, he seemed to have dropped off the radar somewhat. Quinn had said that he was really quiet and his confidence seemed to have disappeared, as well as himself now. Quinn said she hadn't seen him around the house in over two weeks, and that she was starting to get worried about him. Rachel wondered if she had made the right decision in changing her phone number, but at that point in her life she hadn't been ready to let him back in…and if she had talked to him she would have.

And they would have failed, because she wouldn't have trusted him.

After having a lot of time to think about their situation she wondered whether or not she was making the right decision, being so far away from him when only being together could mend their frayed relationship. She knew that the second she got back to town she would throw herself into his arms and pray that he isn't too angry with her for hiding away. She just had more than herself to think about, and she hoped that he would understand that she did what she did for everyone involved.

She didn't know that Jesse was self-destructing without her.

**A/N:** So this is the first chapter of Brave New World! This chapter is dedicated to everyone that reviewed The Only Exception and Sorry's Not Enough. I also want to mention that if the Andrea/Jesse thing seems sketchy, we don't really know much about her and I want to make her somewhat of a good person. It's easy to group VA into a bunch of evil people, but I'm sure they aren't bad people at their cores. Expect to see some good VA in this story, as well as some evilness.

In the next chapter: Jesse does something bad, Rachel has a revelation, and Quinn reaches out to Finn.


	2. Evil Angel

Chapter Two: Evil Angel.

**AN: **I want to thank everyone who reviewed Sorry's Not Enough and the first chapter of Bfrave New World. I especially want to thank From The Brain, whose review was totally unexpected. I love their work, and it's an honor to have your review!

This chapter is for all my reviewers, thank you for your support!

_I'm a believer.  
Nothing could be worse.  
All these imaginary friends.  
Hiding betrayal.  
Driving the nail.  
Hoping to find a saviour.  
No, don't, leave me to die here.  
Help me survive here, alone.  
Don't Surrender!  
Surrender_

Evil Angel – Breaking Benjamin.

"Hey Jesse"

"Hey Man."

"Great Party."

"Good Luck next week."

"Who are you? Oh the dude. Hey."

Jesse pushed through the people filling up his entry way, wondering who the fuck they were and how they got in. He couldn't remember letting anyone in to the house, and he couldn't even remember when he'd made his way back to the house. Last he remembered he was at a party outside of town with his legs wrapped around some Red Headed chick, whose name was Rachel. At least he thought her name was Rachel, he couldn't remember. He headed over towards the keg and poured himself a glass of the beer, downing it in one go. It hardly affected him and he looked around, searching for something stronger. He saw a bottle of vodka sitting on the counter and he grabbed it, not noticing the person standing next to it.

"Hey that's mine." A brunette haired girl scowled at him, slapping him on the fingers. He gave her his best sexy smirk and she handed the bottle over, smiling when she saw him take large gulps straight from the bottle.

She didn't think there was anything sexier than a guy who could drink straight alcohol.

"That was so hot. I never would have taken a pretty boy like you for someone who liked to drink straight." She licked her lips, wondering if he would be a good lay. She hadn't gotten any in a few days and was wondering if he would be worth the ego stroking that she would most likely have to lay down to get him in the bedroom.

"Is the small talk necessary?" He asked in annoyance, drinking a few more shots. "If you want to do it, let's just get it over with." She rolled her eyes at his crassness but didn't dismiss him. She grabbed him by the hand and led him into the closest bedroom, which just so happened to be his own. As he looked around all he could think about was Rachel, and all the times he'd had her in that same bedroom. He grabbed the brunette by the hand and led her into the spare room, knowing that there was no way he would be able to have sex in a room that reminded him so strongly of the one that got away. It would make it even harder to remain in control if he was surrounded by memories. He closed and locked the door behind them, throwing the girl to the bed and climbing on top of her, as he tried to forget about a certain brown haired diva that was always on his mind.

"Wait." The girl said through kisses, pushing him off of her as she sat up. She got up and pulled the end table over towards the table before emptying her purse out onto it. Jesse watched as some colorful tablets, some silver powder, and a syringe fell out of the bag. He nearly blanched as he realized that she had some serious drugs in that purse, but part of him wondered if they would help him forget.

"Don't worry pretty boy, I won't remember you in the morning anyway." She said casually before popping one of the tablets and tipping her head back as she swallowed it with a swig of an amber colored liquid that he assumed was probably JD or Whiskey. She offered him one and the only thing he could remember about tablets that were drugs were that it was probably E or Acid, and that they could fuck you up so badly you'd never recover. He shook his head no and she shrugged before removing a razorblade from her purse, splitting the powder into two lines. She snorted one of them and looked over at him, surprised when he leaned forward and did the line. He was surprised at how the drug made him feel, and when he looked at the girl in front of her she almost looked like Rachel. He didn't even have to close his eyes. He grabbed her and kissed her fiercely on the lips before ripping off her clothing.

For the first time in the past two months he didn't feel like he was suffocating under his thoughts. He was finally free.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

When Quinn got off the phone with Andrea that morning she knew that she was in over her head with all of the Jesse drama. According to Andrea, Jesse was getting more out of control than either girl wanted to admit. He had been attending parties every weekend for the past two weeks, getting drunk out of his mind before retreating to the closest bedroom to have sex with the first female he found in his radius. Quinn had been worried about that until Andrea told her that it was getting worse, and that she was actually starting to get worried. They both knew that the one thing Jesse carried about most, besides Rachel, was his career. The fact that he was basically throwing it away by partying every single night was unnerving to both girls and to Shelby as well. Jesse had yet to miss one of their rehearsals but when he was there everything was off. There was no passion in his voice and he was usually a step behind during the dance moves. Yesterday he had even dropped Esmeralda mid flip, and hadn't even realized it had happened until she hit the ground. He was distant and his eyes always seemed unfocused, causing Andrea to wonder if maybe he was doing drugs.

Quinn was floored by this, because she never would have expected Jesse to get this bad. She knew that she couldn't tell Rachel; it would destroy her. She would have to solve this problem on her own, before Rachel came back and found out. She picked up her phone and called the one person she knew would not want to hear from her, nearly chickening out when the phone was picked up.

"F-Finn? It's Quinn. Pleasedonthangup! I need your help." She pleaded, knowing that if anyone was going to be able to help her it was him.

"Give me one good reason not to hang up on you?" he asked coldly, still not having forgiven her over the pregnancy drama. He still loved her, and that was mainly the reason why he was so angry. Every time he saw her or heard his voice his heart flipped, and it was driving him insane because he wanted to hate her.

"It's about Rachel." She could hear Finn drop the phone on the other end, and she nearly giggled as she heard him trying to pick it up on the other end. If the situation had been less dire, she probably would have giggled.

"What about her?"

"Jesse is in trouble, and I don't know how to help him."

"What does that have to do with Rachel?" Finn asked in annoyance, hating any mention of the boy that Rachel had been crushed by. He hated Jesse St. James for the hurt that he had inflicted onto a great girl. It was totally uncool, and Finn thought he was a grade A douche.

"Rachel cares about him, and I'm afraid he's going to do something that they won't be able to come back from." Quinn was fighting tears, and she didn't know how much longer she was going to be able to hold it together. "Can you come over, please?"

Finn nodded before realizing that she couldn't see him, but agreed to come over.

He might not like Jesse all that much, but he didn't want to see Rachel get hurt…well, more than she already was. He also refused to admit it, but he didn't like hearing Quinn sound so sad either, so if he could make her happier in any way he would do it.

He just wouldn't make it obvious or anything.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"Rachel, look what I've got!" Her younger cousin Melchior raced into the room and threw a movie at her. She frowned upon reading the title, wondering what it was about Kick-Ass that made the young boy so excited. He started going on about comic books and superheroes and she laughed at his enthusiasm as she put the film in and settled back on the couch to watch it with him. As the movie started in she couldn't help but get really interested in the plot line, although there was something hovering in the back of her mind at the familiarity of it.

Then she remembered.

Back when she and Jesse had first started dating he had told her that his cousin had just landed the part in a superhero movie, and that if you squinted really hard during some of the school scenes, it was hard to tell them apart. The curly hair on the main guy caused Rachel's heart to clench up and she silently cursed Aaron Johnson for having had curly hair when the movie was filmed. She felt the tears trickling down her face and she cursed silently, hoping that her cousin didn't notice.

He did.

"Rachel, are you okay? Did I make you sad?" She looked over at him, to reassure him, and she found that even looking at him was hard. She swallowed difficultly and managed to smile weakly before excusing herself, running into her room and flinging herself down on the bed as the tears overcame her.

She missed Jesse.

She picked up her cell phone and dialed a familiar number, hoping and praying that there would be an answer.

"Hello?"

Rachel nearly dropped the phone when someone answered and she froze when she realized that the person answering the phone wasn't Jesse, but _Finn._

"Finn?" Rachel asked incredulously, wondering if she dialed the wrong number.

"Uh yup. Hey listen, can I call you back later? Thanks. Bye!" and then he hung up.

She stared down at the phone in her hand and wondered what the hell was going on before calling Quinn, scowling and cursing when it went straight to voicemail. She felt like New York was planets away instead of miles, and she never felt more unsure of her decision to give him time. To give them time.

Had she been wrong? She just wanted to go back and have everything be perfect, with both of them recovered and forgiven and ready to trust again.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Jesse was aware that the world wasn't really spinning when he came to, but it sure as hell felt like it was. He could feel someone shaking him and before he knew it, he had leaned across the bed and was throwing up violently into the waste basket. After it was done he wiped his hand across his mouth, coughing as his body wracked violently. He was shaking and he felt as if he was running a fever, almost as if he had the flu.

"Side effects of your first time."

His head snapped towards the voice and he noticed that there was a girl in the bed, a naked girl. He had never stayed in bed with a girl over night, so he was shocked that she was still there. He must have said so out loud because she scoffed and grabbed her shirt, throwing it over her body before grabbing her purse. She started shoving all of her things back into it until she came to the powder, leaving it on the table in front of him.

"You passed out on me, right in the middle. Here's a present; thanks for a great time." She said sarcastically, leaving the room as he let his head fall into his hands. He was spiraling downward, even he was aware of it, and he wondered if he was going to be able to come out of it. He eyed the powder cautiously and, almost as if drawn to it, he picked up the little baggy and fingered it gently. He couldn't remember much of what happened last night, but he could remember that his brain had been spinning so fast that he hadn't time to think about Rachel for the first time in weeks. It had been a good feeling; it helped him become the numb robot that he was supposed to be.

If the powder could help him cope, shouldn't he use it to his advantage? He was anti-drugs completely, but at this point he was running out of options. He couldn't be Jesse St. James anymore, not without a little help. It was too hard.

He got up out of the bed and nearly fell to the floor as his legs collapsed, barley catching himself. He hadn't realized the comedown was going to be this bad; he could hardly even move. He wondered what he could do to make the room stop spinning, and he decided that the only rational solution was to get up and start moving around. He put the powder in his pocket and managed to stumble to his feet and into the hallway, tripping over his feet as he fell into the kitchen. He saw the brunette girl from the bedroom making a cup of coffee and he was kind of impressed that she'd had the balls to stick around. She looked over at him and gave him a pitying look before downing her coffee.

"It isn't going to get better, if that's what you're hoping." She said casually, running her hand along his bicep. "The comedown lasts about 36 hours the first time. You feel like you're going to die and you wish you would; but you don't. And the only way to make it better is some hair of the dog that bit you, that's why I left it behind. You're going to need it to survive, St. James. But this isn't charity, if you want any more after that it's going to cost you."

"Okay." He said nonchalantly, refusing to give her an answer as to what he planned to do. "Can you get the fuck out of my house now?"

"Okay princess." She said as she danced past him, kissing him on the cheek before running out the door. He slowly made his way over to the kitchen table and sat down in the closest chair, allowing his head to fall and hit the top. He felt like someone had tried to run him over with a semi and he knew there was no way he could go to rehearsal feeling this shitty. He took the package of powder out of his pocket and held it up to his eye, wondering whether or not he should do it. He knew it was a bad idea but he had to get to practice and it was hard enough to rehearse a glee club routine and not think about Rachel on a good day, let alone on a day that he felt so shitty. His decision made up, he poured the powder out onto the table and repeated the process from the night before.

And then it was go time.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN: **I know that this chapter is kind of short, but the next one is almost twice as long. R and R please!


	3. Life in the Fast Lane

Chapter 3: Life in the Fast Lane

_Eager for action and hot for the game  
The coming attraction, the drop of a name  
They knew all the right people, they took  
all the right pills_

_Life in the fast lane  
Surely make you lose your mind  
Life in the fast lane, everything all the time  
Life in the fast lane, uh huh  
Blowin' and burnin', blinded by thirst  
They didn't see the stop sign,  
took a turn for the worse_

Life in the Fast Lane – The Eagles

*-*

When Finn pulled up outside of 's house he barely parked the car before pulling the key out of the engine and racing to the door. He debated bursting in but before his decision was made Quinn pulled open the door and motioned for him to come in, looking over her shoulder to make sure that Shelby hadn't noticed him. It wasn't that she wasn't allowed to have people over, but what she needed to discuss with Finn could _not _be overheard by Shelby. She pulled the gangly teen through the hall and towards the stairs, motioning that he needs to be quiet as they go up the stairs. They make it to her room and she can see Finn hesitate when he sees a bassinet at the foot of her bed.

"Don't worry, Shelby has her." Finn seemed to visibly relax at her words and sank down onto the bed as she followed suit, rolling her hands in her lap.

"I need to tell you some things, and you can't tell anyone, Finn. Promise me?" He nodded in agreeance.

"Before Rachel went off to NY Shelby told her some things. Jesse was transferred to McKinley because of Shelby; she wanted him to get close to her to help her find out who her mom was. He started out dating Rachel because he liked her, but when Shelby found out she told him that she would help him achieve his dreams if he did it. She even threatened his scholarship to UCLA, she was so desperate. When she finally met Rachel, Jesse begged for her to let him stay at McKinley but she couldn't let him because it was so close to Regional's, and they needed him to do Bohemian Rhapsody. They never could have pulled it off without him. He went back to them because of the scholarship, even though he loved Rachel, and he had to do what they told him to do so that the team would take him back; to prove his loyalty."

"Does Rachel know all of this?" Finn asked, wondering why the girl would have ever kissed him in the hallway at school had she know that Jesse still loved her.

"She found out right after she left, Shelby called her. It's why she's been so torn between staying and coming back. She says she wants to be with him but she's afraid to trust him again after getting hurt last time." Finn nodded and couldn't help but empathize with Rachel, as he had a lot of those feelings surrounding himself and Quinn. He still loved her, for sure, but he didn't want to give her the chance to hurt him again.

"So why did you need me?"

"I've been in contact with a member of VA—"

"What? Quinn they're the enemy!"

"Finn. Shut up." He closed his mouth and sighed, motioning for her to continue. "I knew her back when I was…you know. She's been keeping a watch on Jesse for me lately, since he hasn't been coming around much. She's getting worried about him, so I wanted to go see him but I didn't want to go alone. Hence the phone call.

"You called me over here to go see Jesse St. Douche? Are you kidding me? Why didn't you just call up _Noah?_" He spit out his former best-friends name like it was a disease and he saw her wince, instantly feeling bad about it.

"I don't want to see Noah. I wanted to see you, and I knew you would at least try to care, for Rachel's sake…maybe I was wrong." She stood up and headed towards the door but he grabbed her arm and gently turned her around.

"I'm sorry. I'll go."

"Thank you." She said quietly, smiling softly. He smiled back but looked away; still not ready to look her in the eyes after what she'd done to him.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"_Girl please excuse me  
If I'm misbehaving, oh  
I'm trying keep my hands off  
But you're begging me for more  
Round round round  
Give a low low low  
Let the time time pass  
'Cause we're never getting old"_

Jesse hadn't felt more on his game for weeks, letting the music take him over as he let the music wash over him. He could tell that the rest of the team noticed his change and were reacting to it, letting the music take them to new levels of awe-inspiring that they had never achieved before.

"_don't stop baby, don't stop baby  
Just keep on shaking along  
I won't stop baby, won't stop baby  
Until you get enough"_

The song came to an end and Jesse found that he was still wired, ready to perform the number twenty more times if he had to. The drugs coursing through his system made him want to jump up and down and do cartwheels; he had so much excess energy. He hadn't felt this good in a really long time, and he wanted to continue to experience it as long as he could.

"Can we do it again?" He called out to Shelby, who was bouncing Beth at the back of the theatre. She said it was okay and he launched into the first verse, dancing and singing even more powerfully than before. The rest of the group was scrambling to keep up with him, and that made him smirk.

Jesse St. James was on his way back, and they had to get used to it. He wasn't going to let Rachel Berry get him down, not anymore.

At the end of practice Shelby called him over and told him that she was glad to see that he was doing better. He smiled and thanked her before leaving the theatre, not seeing the van that was parked outside of the school. He didn't realize how long they'd been inside practicing until the dark hit him, causing his vision to go blurry. He remembered what the girl had told him and he realized that he was going to be coming down from the buzz really soon, and that if he wanted to make it home safe and sane, he'd need to get more. Jesse St. James hated being dependent on others to guarantee his own success, but in this case he would make an exception.

"I need more." He said when she picked up, hoping that she would know who it was. He had no idea what her name was and he didn't intend on asking, it was better that way. She told him to meet her at his house, since she knew where it was, and he agreed. He slid into the front seat of his range rover and blinked a few times as his vision began to swim. He gulped and tried to put the key in the engine, grunting in anger when his hand wouldn't stop shaking long enough to get it in. He took a few deep breaths before it hit him almost instantly, causing him to pull open the door and vomit dramatically onto the pavement. When it was over he sat back up and called the girl back, telling him where he was. She said she would be there soon and within five minutes was standing beside him, peering pitifully into the car.

"Damn St. James, you need to learn to time these things better. You only get a high for a few hours, and then you crash. You're going to get caught if you aren't careful." He had never imagine what would happen if he got caught doing the things he did, and he wasn't sure that he really cared to find out what would happen. He managed to nod, feeling like something inside of him was trying to rip out his intestines as the girl looked around carefully before pulling a few packages of the powder that he had come to appreciate so much. He moved to grab it but she stopped him, smirking.

"I told you that you'd have to pay next time." He blanched and gave her a weak glare, reaching into his wallet and pulling out a few hundred dollar bills. She took them and smiled before closing his door and walking around to the other side of the door, climbing into the passenger seat. She took another package out of her packet and dumped it onto the front dash of the car, splitting it into two lines with a razorblade before snorting one of them. She offered the other to him and he did it, leaning back against the head rest as it rushed through him, making him feel 100 times better. The girl threw herself at him and started kissing him ferociously as he pushed the two of them into the backseat as they kissed, bit, and fought for dominance. Now when he looked at her he could see Rachel's face clearly, thanks to the drug, and when he came inside of her he murmured "I love you, Rachel" and the girl said nothing. She just got out of the car and took off down the street, saying that she was just a phone call away if he ever needed anything. Still feeling the adrenaline racing through him, Jesse revved up the engine and sped out of the parking lot, craving something to keep his adrenalin pumping like it had when he had been on stage.

It was time to be free.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Quinn and Finn had driven to Jesse's and had been completely shocked at the sight that met their eyes. His perfectly manicured lawn was in shambles with beer bottles and red plastic cups strewn everywhere. The front door was off its hinges and the inside of the house had graffiti everywhere and the furniture was trashed and stained. Quinn pushed her way through the debris into the room that she knew was Jesse's and found that the only thing that remained in the room was his bed, and a picture of Rachel on his nightstand. The bed was made and looked unslept in, which made Quinn wonder if he'd even been in the room at all since she had left.

They made their way down the hall to what Quinn presumed was the guest bedroom, shocked at the state it was in. There were condom wrappers on the floor, empty alcohol bottles on the floor, and what looked like blood stains on the floor. Quinn felt Finn wrap his arms around her and she was thankful for it, the house was giving her the chills. They looked around the rest of the house and found it in varying states of destruction, causing her heart to break for the poor family that lived there who were going to have to come back and find what their son had done to the home.

They got back into the car and sat in the drive for a few minutes, silence enveloping them as they both reflected on the devastation that they had witnessed inside the St. James family home. Quinn could feel tears welling up in her eyes as she realized that things were even worse than she'd thought they were, and she wondered if perhaps they might be too late. That they might not be able to help him; or to save him from himself.

When Rachel came back, Jesse St. James might not still be around. He might not be himself anymore…and that scared her.

"Would he be at school? Did Shelby say they had practice?"

"They have practice every day at 3, until 7. It's only three thirty now so we have a few hours before we can confront him…what should we do?" She asked quietly, not knowing if Finn was going to want to stick around that long. "If you want you can just drop me off and I can pretend to want to see Beth?" He shook his head and started the car up, reversing out of the driveway.

"I'm hungry. Do you want to eat?"

"Sure."

He drove them to the nearest restaurant and they pulled into the parking lot, walking in together. When they walked into the restaurant she thought she was going to cry when she saw Andrea sitting in a booth in the corner by herself. She knew that Andrea was planning on quitting VA but she hadn't realized that she had actually done it yet, and the sight of the girl sitting alone rocked her to the core…because she had pretty much been that girl. She motioned for Finn to follow her as they approached the sad looking girl, sliding into the booth across from her. Andrea looked up in a panic and seemed to relax when she saw that it was just Quinn.

"You shouldn't be here."

"I know, but we had to."

Andrea sighed and motioned for the waitress to come over, and Finn and Quinn ordered some sandwiches. Andrea was refusing to meet Quinn's eyes, and she knew that the girl knew something that they didn't.

"Tell me, Andrea. I can take it."

Andrea sighed and chewed her food slowly, looking like she wanted to disappear into the ground.

"Fine, but remember you wanted to hear this."

Quinn and Finn nodded as Andrea told them what she had heard.

"There's this girl who goes to school at Carmel, or used to…I think she got kicked out. Anyway, her name is Haley Shreve and she's bad news Quinn, I mean really bad news. When I was in VA she was trying to get in, but she couldn't pass Shelby's mandatory drug test that you have to take when you audition. She freaked out and tried to steal all of the records in the principal's office to give to the other glee clubs in the surrounding areas in order to fuck with us, but she got caught. With that and her shitty marks and drug test, they expelled her. I've heard that she's living around here but I hadn't actually seen her until the other night…and she was with Jesse."

"…with Jesse? Or _with _Jesse?" Quinn asked awkwardly, not sure if she really wanted to know the answer.

"I'm not sure. I heard some of the girls at school talking about how he had been with a bunch of girls, but I never heard her name tossed around. It wouldn't surprise me though; she was hanging off of him at the party at his house a couple days ago. I think you need to talk to him Quinn, before he gets into something he's not ready for." Andrea gave Quinn a serious look, making sure that the girl was aware of how serious the situation was becoming.

"Dude. I don't understand." Finn said as a mystified look appeared on his face. "Why is it bad for Jesse to be hanging out with other girls?"

"Not hanging out with Finn, _hanging out with._" Quinn said with a sigh, wondering how he'd managed to get through life being so naïve. A look of awareness finally crossed over his face after a few minutes, and she was glad that she didn't have to explain it to him.

"This is bad, isn't it?"

"Yes Finn, yes it is."

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

__She missed him, so much.

So much she could hardly breathe.

Lying in bed listening to music, Rachel couldn't help but allow her thoughts to think back to Jesse, and all of the good times that they'd had together before everything had fallen apart. She remembered the first time he'd kissed her, in that theatre in front of the bright lights. It had seemed like their relationship had so much potential, that things were going to be wonderful and that they'd do great things together. She'd envisioned the two of them dating through high school, going off to UCLA to be with him until they both were graduated and then they would head to Broadway, to become stars. She pictured the two of them on Broadway performing in Oklahoma, Spring Awakening, RENT, and Chicago…all of the greats. They would be great together and alone, because they were stars in the making.

She remembered the first time she'd told him that she loved him, and he had said it in return. They had been sitting outside McKinley the third day after he'd transferred to her school. They had been walking down the hallway before last period when three jocks had popped out of nowhere, catching them unaware. They had been slushied, the jocks having decided that they needed to officially "welcome" Jesse to the school. They were waiting outside the school for Jesse's Uncle to come pick them up, and Rachel had indulged in the urge to kiss Jesse on the cheek, in order to get a taste of the grape slushy he'd been slushied with.

She had always loved grape.

"_What on earth are you doing?" he'd asked in a horrified sounding voice, as she kissed his cheek covered in the sticky iced beverage._

"_I love grape." She had said, unashamed, as he burst out into hysterical laughter. He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek dramatically, making a smacking noise._

"_And I love strawberry."_

_She leaned in to kiss him on the lips, and it seemed as if the world around them ceased to exist. All she could think about was Jesse, and how wonderful he was. He had left his friends, his life, and his school in order to be with her…and he had put up with the slushy attack from the jocks. For her._

"_I love you." She had whispered when they pulled apart, wondering if it was too early to say such things. She'd never been in a real relationship before so she wasn't sure, but she felt so much better having said it because she knew it was true._

"_I love you too, Rachel Berry." He replied softly, before kissing her again, almost as if he was trying to kiss her soul. _

It had been one of the best days of her life, and it was hard to believe that it had been months ago, it seemed as if it had happened days ago it was so fresh in her memory. She could remember the shirt he had been wearing, blue argyle, and the way his hair had blown in the wind as they sat with hands entwined on the picnic table outside the school. She wondered if he ever thought about days like those, if he remembered what shirt she had been wearing on the day they first kissed in that auditorium at Carmel high.

She wondered if he thought about her constantly, as she did about him.

Not for the first time, Rachel once again wondered if she'd made the right decision to spend the summer in NY with her relatives. When her fathers had suggested it after the loss at regional's she had been completely on board with the plan, seeing no real reason to stay behind in Ohio with the knowledge that Jesse was out there somewhere, not loving her. Until she got the phone call from Shelby, and she wondered if she'd really done the right thing. Shelby had told her everything, about Jesse's original intentions and how Shelby had made him change his plans multiple times throughout the course of their relationship. She explained that she had needed Jesse for their number at Regional's, and that she was sorry about what the team had made him do to her. He hadn't known before hand, he'd thought they were just going to taunt her, but he had been wrong. When Rachel heard all of this she wanted to go running back into Jesse's arms, but she knew that she couldn't. She was still hurt from everything that had happened, including his reaction to the Run Joey Run video. She knew that it had been hurtful for him to have to see Finn and Puck in the video alongside him, but his irrational anger considering everything he was putting her through was nonsensical.

It was a day later that the phone calls started happening, but she wasn't ready to pick up yet. She wasn't ready to let him back in her heart. The mere thought of him made her feel sick but she knew that her heart was weakening, that she was going to succumb and talk to him before she was ready and they would make the exact same mistakes all over again. Absence makes the heart grow stronger, and she knew that it was exactly what they needed if they wanted to have a successful relationship in the future. Therefore, when her aunt suggest that her uncle tell him to stop calling and change her number, she agreed.

She wondered if that had been a mistake, because there was definitely something going on in Lima that she was unaware of.

She had double checked her Caller ID, and the number she had called earlier _was_ Jesse. So why the hell had Finn answered the phone? They hated each other. There was no way they would be willingly associating forever, even if it was because of Quinn. She had tried calling back multiple times but her calls had been sent straight to voicemail and she didn't want to call Shelby or her Dad's because she didn't want to worry them about something that was probably nothing.

So she called and she called, hoping that eventually someone would pick up the phone.

She had no idea how bad things were at home. No idea at all.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN:** Hey guys! I just want to thank everyone who has been reviewing this story, it means so much to me! Here are a couple preview lines from the next chapter. See if you can guess who says them and why!

"What do you mean you aren't coming home? Are you serious? We _need_ you here, like…now!"

"You can't always get what you want, so why bother trying?"

"I can't believe you're wearing camouflage. That is _so_ disgusting."

"I'll never forgive you for this."

"Is that going to be a problem? Is there something you need to tell me?"

"You're going to regret getting involved with this…I know I do." _  
_


	4. Angels on the Moon

Chapter Four: Angels on the Moon

**AN**: As I'm sure some of you have noticed, the time lines do not match up. I did that on purpose. Right now Rachel is ahead of everyone, and the phone call she gets from Finn obviously hasn't happened yet. The story will sync up fairly soon, but not too soon. Expect some surprises to come your way soon, and I'm not sure if they're going to be good. I've had a few vague ideas for this story going along, but with some unexpected twists I'm not sure if they're going to be possible. I'd also love to know what you guys think about Jesse in this chapter…I'm wondering if maybe I went too far, and if it'll be possible to redeem him. Idk, let me know what you guys think!

And on with the chapter! I think it's going to be a long one…might end up splitting it into two.

_Don't tell me if I'm dying,  
Cause I don't wanna know,  
If I can't see the sun,  
Maybe I should go,  
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming,  
Of angels on the moon,  
Where everyone you know,  
Never leaves too soon,_

Yeah you can tell me,  
All your thoughts about the stars,  
That fill polluted skies,  
And show me where you run to,  
When no one's left to take your side  
But don't tell me where the road ends,  
Cause I just don't wanna know,  
No, I just don't wanna know,

Don't tell me if I'm dying,

Angels on the Moon – Thriving Ivory

*-*

When Jesse woke up he realized that he had no idea where he was. Every single fiber of his body ached like he'd been dragged behind a car for miles. Hell, maybe he had been…he couldn't exactly remember. He remembered standing outside of the school and getting into his car, but after that everything was a blur of excitement and action. He could remember a girl with bright red hair, and one with blonde hair…and he could remember Rachel.

In the backseat of his car.

A Rachel who wasn't actually Rachel, but a figment of his imagination…but damn it had been so worth it. If the drugs were going to give him realistic visions like that, then he was never going to stop taking him. As thoughts of Rachel started to swim through his brain, the after effects of the drug started to wear through him. He slumped down on the floor and swallowed thickly, determined not to cry. He refused to spill any tears about the woman who had broken his heart, whose face he saw every single time he closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. Unless he had a certain amount of alcohol or drugs coursing through him, every time he closed his eyes all he could see was the look on her face when he smashed that egg onto her forehead. She had been devastated and distraught, all because of him. He moved his arm in an attempt to wake it up and hissed in pain when it connected with something sharp, drawing blood. He looked down and saw a razorblade lying next to him, and that was when he remembered.

The car, the drugs, the girls, the anger, the pain, the adrenaline…he had experienced it all. The emotions ran through him and he had to close his eyes to stop the room from spinning. Every feeling of loneliness and desolation that he'd been able to push away last night because of the drugs came back and hit him like a brick, making his entire body shake in desperation. He felt desperate and out of control, like everything he knew about himself was falling apart. He managed to pick himself up and get into a sitting position as the room spun and his emotions whirled around inside of him like a dam about to break. He could hear voices in the background but they seemed kind of distant, and he couldn't focus on them.

Part of him wondered what would happen when the damn break, but another part of him was afraid that when he finally did break there wouldn't be enough pieces left to put back together. He looked down at his arm and his eyes widened in horror when he saw recent looking cuts running perpendicular down his arms. He didn't remember making them until he extended his arm fully and the cuts tore open, blood dripping out of the cuts. He closed his eyes and, as if like a movie, the memories came flooding back to him.

_He hadn't been driving long before he got the text from some random chick he'd hooked up with, telling him about a party at "Matt's" house. He didn't know who Matt was, but a party sounded like a good idea and the address was included in the text so he decided to show up. When he arrived the party was in full swing and he burst through the door, grabbing a drink out of someone's hand as he pushed his way to the dance floor and started moving along to the music, grabbing the first girl that came his way. He wound his arms around her waist as the bass pumped through the room, causing his head to ache and his eyes to blink way more than they were probably supposed to. The girl was even more out of it than he was, her pupils completely dilated as she practically jumped his bones out there in front of everyone. He managed to grab her hand, despite how badly his were shaking, and drag her through the halls in search of some kind of surface to deposit her on. He didn't care if it was a bed or a table, he needed to _do _something; he had so much pent up energy. They made their way to an empty room and he tossed her onto the floor as she giggled, climbing on top of her. She pushed him off and pulled something out of her pocket, eyes gleaming as she held it up. When he looked at it he was thrilled to see that it was a razor blade, and he hoped that she was going to share some of her powder with him. He was shocked and repulsed to watch as she slid the blade down against her arm, making a tiny cut and watching in fascination as the blood trickled down and onto the floor. She giggled and did it again and again, until her arm was a bloody mess. She cleaned off the blade and handed it to him, which he stared at and refused to take, until she said something that rocked him to the core. _

"_You can't always get what you want…so why bother trying?"_

_This girl didn't know him, didn't know anything that was going on in his life, yet her words rang true more than anything he'd heard or seen in a really long time. He wanted to be with Rachel, to feel her arms wrapped around his as he kissed her like he would move the moon and the stars to be with her, but that was obviously never going to happen. She was with someone else and had changed her phone number in order to get away from him, if that didn't scream rejection he wasn't sure what was. He spent his days pretending that he was okay and that he was coping when really he wasn't, he was falling apart and he was dying inside. Rachel's love had been something that he'd never experienced before, he'd never had someone love him for being himself. Ever._

_Sure, he was admired. He was the lead vocalist for the best show choir in the country, of course he was. But their love was superficial and on the surface, none of them would miss him if he ever disappeared off the face of the earth; no one would. His parents were never around, preferring the company of a ski chalet or a condo on the beach then of their own son, and Shelby had Beth now…she didn't need his company, respect or admiration anymore. She had her own family, her own life now…and he had no one._

_The only two people he had in his life, that he had allowed himself to love, didn't need him anymore…they probably never wanted him in the first place; they just settled because he was the only thing there. Shelby couldn't have her daughter, so why not take a talented young star under her wing? And Rachel couldn't have Finn, so why not date someone who Finn would hate to see her with?_

_He had been used and abused his entire life…why stop now?_

_So he took the blade, and he used cut into his skin like everyone around him had cut into his heart._

The feelings of desolation and loneliness ran over him as he slumped against the floor, making no move to right himself. He had never felt as low as he did at that moment in time, and he wondered honestly what the point of getting up and going would be. He would get up and go to Carmel to attend classes he didn't care about, go to a glee club practice that he would enjoy with people who didn't want or need him, and then go home to an empty house with no one to ask him how his day was going, how he felt; no one to _care_.

It was at this moment that Jesse realized that he had no one, and that it was his fault. He had pushed his parents away by being too perfect, too robotic, not emotional and fucked up enough. He'd never had any real problems that they'd had to deal with so they hadn't felt the need to stick around and watch over him, they trusted him enough to make his own decisions. He knew that they had never planning on having children, but he had been a drunken mistake that had happened almost fifteen years into their marriage. Sometimes when they thought he wasn't listening during their fights they brought it up, about how he had been the worst thing that could have happened to them because he kept them from doing all the things they'd always wanted to do. It was why he never let people in after that; he didn't want to be the person who kept someone from achieving their dreams.

He had taken a risk when he let Shelby and Rachel in…and he could see now that it had been a huge mistake. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes but he refused to let them fall, knowing that when he did he would never be able to stop, and he wouldn't be able to summon up the courage to get off of the floor and go on with life.

He had never felt more depressed in his entire life, more ready to give up…and that scared him more than anything else.

He could hear voices above him but before he could do anything about it he felt his vision swim as his eyes rolled up into his and he fell into unconsciousness.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

After having lunch with Andrea, Finn and Quinn decided that they would go to Carmel and stake out the parking lot in an effort to confront Jesse and see what was going on. They decided that they should probably try to dress a little less conspicuously, since Finn was in his McKinley letterman jacket so they drove back into town to change quickly. Finn dropped Quinn off and said that he would pick her back up in an hour, in order to give himself some time to change. When he got home he pulled the car into the driveway, turning the ignition off before allowing his head to fall forward and hit the steering wheel. He couldn't believe that he had gotten himself into something like this, especially when it concerned Jesse St. James. He still didn't like the guy for the betrayal that occurred when he dumped Rachel and jumped ship back to VA. He knew why the guy had done it now, but it still didn't make him like him all that much. The guy had always seemed smug and superior, and Finn didn't like that he'd managed to steal Rachel from him when he was kind of into privately dating her or whatever.

He finally got out of the car and headed into the house, ignoring Kurt who was perched on the couch watching the latest episode of Journey Shore or whatever that show was called, as he made his way to their basement bedroom. He started rifling through his things, wondering what was appropriate to wear to a stake out, as Kurt came down the stairs and stood in the doorway, watching him in interest. When Finn started rifling through his closet and throwing things onto the bed that seemed like they could work, Kurt came over to look at them as his nose twisted in disgust.

"Leather?" He asked in a horrified sounding voice, holding up the pants. "Where on earth did you get these monstrosities that you like to call a wardrobe?"

"I think Rachel bought them for me when she was going through a Grease phase." He said off-handedly, rummaging through his closet until he found what he was looking for. He ignored Kurt's questioning glances and ran into the bathroom, showering and changing quickly as time was of the essence. When he came out of the bathroom he modeled his attire, wondering if the diva before him would approve of his fashion choices.

"Finn…what the hell is that." Kurt managed to gasp out, coming up to him and spinning him around, horrified at what the other boy was wearing. "I can't believe you're wearing camouflage. That is _so_ disgusting." He said as he backed away from him, as if the camouflage wearing was contagious. Finn rolled his eyes at the drama queen and explained, as simply as he could without going into detail, why he was wearing it.

"Quinn and I are going on a stake out, and I wanted to be able to blend in with the surroundings."

"Quinn? Have I missed something? And Finn camouflage doesn't exactly work that way…" he saw the look on Finn's face and he sighed, deciding to just the fashion reject walk out the door because it was easier than trying to explain to him how the camo would not make him blend in. He was almost as bad as Brittney sometimes…almost.

"I'll never forgive you for this." Kurt said dramatically, throwing himself down on the bed. "This crime against fashion will not be taken lightly, Finn Hudson!"

"I'll explain later." Finn said with a sigh as he ran up the stairs and jumped back into the van, noting that he'd spent more time inside getting ready then he'd meant to. When he arrived at Shelby's he saw Quinn walk out of the house and he knew instantly that he was not dressed correctly. She was wearing a skin tight black long sleeve t-shirt that went down to mid-thigh, and a pair of black spandex leggings and black thigh high boots. It looked like she even had a thigh knife holder, with a kitchen knife thrust into it. With her hair pulled up into what looked like a painfully tight pony tail she looked more like a vigilante crime fighter than a girl about to go stake out a glee club choir member. He could tell that he was gaping and he reluctantly dragged his eyes away from her body, jumping out of the car to open the door for her. She looked at what he was wearing and started to giggle, but she didn't say anything out loud, which he was grateful for.

They pulled up outside of the school just as it was getting dark, and they pulled into a parking spot that was far enough away from the door that Jesse wouldn't be able to tell it was them, but that they'd be able to see him when he came out. They sat there in silence as Finn wondered whether or not he should say something. He moved to open his mouth and say something, but Quinn beat him to it.

"I'm sorry for dragging you into this…I just didn't want to do it alone." She sounded so sad and scared that he wanted nothing more to pull her into his arms and hold her, but he knew that he couldn't do that.

"It's okay. This isn't about us…it's about him. And Rachel, I guess." She nodded and took his hand in hers, grasping it tightly before moving to pull away. He wasn't sure why he did it, but he clutched her hand tighter, refusing to allow her to let go. She turned to look at him and smiled hesitantly, not wanting to ruin the moment with speech but knowing that she had to say something or she would burst.

"You're going to regret getting involved with this…I know I do." She said with a sigh, looking down at their entwined hands. "I have a really bad feeling about this…I don't know why but I do. What if he's different Finn? What if her leaving ruined him? What if they can't ever get back what they had before?" He knew that the first two sentences were about Jesse and Rachel, but he felt like the last two were about the two of them. He smiled hesitantly and leaned in, pressing a light kiss to her forehead.

"I think that if something's meant to be, nothing is going to get in the way. It might take a long time, but eventually things will get worked out."

"Finn Hudson doling out words of wisdom, I never thought I'd see the day." She said thickly. He opened his mouth to say something but she shh'd him, gesturing towards the doors of the school that had opened and had students pouring out of them. They watched as the students piled into their cars, until only one was left in the lot. Jesse's.

"Where is he?" Finn muttered darkly, having no desire to wait outside in the parking lot for someone who was never going to come out. He was probably inside working on the routine by himself or something, it wouldn't surprise him. His thoughts were cut off when he saw the guy walk out of the school; well…walk wasn't quite the word to use. He seemed to stagger out, as if he could hardly see, and he almost face planted on his way across the parking lot. Quinn reached for the door handle of the car but he held her back, wondering what was going on with the boy. They watched him climb slowly into the car, and then as he threw the door open five minutes later and proceeded to heave and choke as he vomited all over the ground. This time Finn moved to get out of the car, but Quinn stopped him as he had stopped her and they watched as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number. Quinn pulled out her phone, wondering if maybe he was trying to call her, and was sadly disappointed when it didn't ring. They watched as he slammed the door of the SUV and after what felt like an eternity of waiting they saw a girl sidle up against the SUV, stepping over the puke. They conversed for a few minutes before they saw the girl push away from the driver's side, closing the door, as she walked around and climbed in the passenger's side. Due to the tinted windows they couldn't see what was going on, but Quinn had noticed one thing that left her feeling uncomfortable.

"Finn, was she carrying money?" He looked at her in confusion and then his face fell as he realized that the girl _had_ been carrying some money in her hands. A guy would only pay a girl that kind of money for one of two things, and he had a feeling that a guy like Jesse would not be paying for sex, no matter how depressed or whatever he wsa about Rachel leaving.

"Do you…?" He wasn't sure how to phrase it, but Quinn answered it for him.

"I think he's on drugs."

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN: **This chapter somehow got longer than I expected it to, so we'll see a Rachel POV and Jesse POV in the next chapter as well as Quinn's POV. 


	5. My World

Chapter Five: My World

_Welcome to my world  
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.  
Another lesson burned  
And I'm drowning in the ashes  
Kicking  
Screaming  
Welcome to my world_

So here I am again.  
In the middle of the end.  
And the choice I wish I'd made  
I always make too late

My World – Sick Puppies

When Rachel woke up she instantly knew that something was wrong. She sat up straight and experienced a serious amount of vertigo, sending her running to the bathroom. She knelt before the toilet and gagged, feeling like she was about to throw up but able to do so. She slid to the floor of the bathroom and started to cry, not knowing what was wrong with her. Ever since she'd heard from Finn last night she was terrified that something bad had happened to Jesse, and she knew that her resolve was weakening. It had been the longest 12 hours of her life and she hadn't got more than an hour's sleep, and she knew that she wouldn't until she had confirmation that he was alright. She hoisted herself up off of the floor, which was more difficult than she'd thought it would be, and made her way back into her bedroom. She picked her cell phone up off the night stand and dialed a familiar number, hoping that it would give her the peace of mind she needed to be able to stay in New York for the rest of the summer. There were only a few weeks left, and she knew that if she pushed herself hard enough she would be able to do it, she had to do it.

He would understand…she hoped.

The phone rang and rang, until someone finally picked up.

"Hello?"

"Quinn?" Rachel asked incredulously, wondering why Quinn was answering the phone. She heard a sigh on the other end of the phone and she couldn't help but notice how weary the other girl sounded. She wanted to ask so many things but she couldn't get her mouth to form the words that were sitting on her lips.

"If you're going to be silent I'm going to hang up. I'm…busy."

"whyareyouansweringjesse'sphone?" Rachel blurted out, her words all stringing together in an unintelligible mess. She repeated herself again, praying that Quinn would tell her that Jesse was in the bathroom, at rehearsal, had switched phones with her, or was just too angry to come to the phone.

"I'm going to say this once, and I need it to get through to you Rachel. You need to come home…now." Quinn's voice cracked and Rachel could feel her resolve weakening. Why was no one telling her anything? Why was she being left out in the cold?

"I'm not coming home, Quinn. I can't…"

"What do you mean you aren't coming home? Are you serious? We _need_ you here, like…now!" The other girl screeched, sounding more panicked than Rachel had ever heard her, and that included the time that she'd been in labor.

"No one will tell me anything! And nothing you've said is making me want to come home, Quinn! So why should I just hop on a plane and come home when I'm not ready to do so? I told you I needed time to—"

"Rachel, this isn't about you!" Quinn shrieked, losing her temper with the diva that was being ridiculous. "You need to get your crazy ass back here, now! Because _I_ can't do this anymore!" She had started to cry and Rachel was shocked, nearly dropping the phone. She had never heard her friend so scared and weak, and it rocked her to her core. She wondered if something had happened to Beth, or if Jesse was throwing himself into Vocal Adrenalin and Nationals so much because of her that he has passed out from exhaustion or something. She figured that was probably it, and she wanted so badly to go back to him, but she just couldn't. She wasn't ready.

"I'm sorry Quinn, I can't." She said quietly, tears rolling down her face. "I'm not ready to face him yet." She hung up the phone and flung herself down on the bed, crying dramatically, never having heard the last thing that Quinn had said into the phone.

Perhaps if she had, she would have gone home.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

_Search for the answers I knew all along  
I lost myself, we all fall down  
Never the wiser of what I've become  
Alone I stand a broken man_

The lyrics rang true as he belted them out in the auditorium, performing to the best he could. He could feel the adrenaline rushing through him but something felt different…it wasn't as good of a rush as it usually was. At the end of the number he asked if they could have a 5 minute break and Shelby reluctantly agreed, somewhat surprised that her star performer actually wanted to take a break. He snuck backstage and looked around before heading downstairs to the changing rooms, closing the door behind him. He took out the small baggies he'd placed in his pocket before rushing away from Quinn that morning, and took them out. He dumped one out onto the counter and separated the powder into two silver shimmering lines. Instead of doing the one he'd usually do and saving the second for later, he snorted them both and felt his vision swim before his eyes as the drugs entered his system. He put the second baggy back in his pocket and made the trek up the stairs, nearly stumbling more than once as his body adjusted to the drugs that were now running through his blood stream. When Shelby saw Jesse re-enter from the wings she clapped to get everyone's attention, and they all swarmed the front of the stage.

"As I'm sure you're all aware, tomorrow is the official drug testing section of our National's acceptance. I am not blind or naïve, I'm sure that many of you have indulged in some illicit activity at some point in your careers, which is why I told you about the test a month ago so we wouldn't have any problems. Let me remind you, if any drugs are in your system when you go to take this test, you will be removed from Vocal Adrenalin effective immediately. No exceptions."

He refused to make a scene in front of the rest of the members, but as soon as practice was over he went and confronted Shelby who was sitting at the back of the theatre with Beth in her bassinet.

"A drug test? Really? Do you not trust your performers at all?" He snapped angrily, feeling the emotions swirling through him uncontrollably. He had planned on confronting her calmly and rationally but now that it was happening he found that he had so much fury simmering in him that he was unable to control the words that were spilling from his mouth.

"It's mandatory, Jesse. We do this every year…why are you getting so angry about this?" He looked away from her eyes and she frowned. "Is that going to be a problem? Is there something you need to tell me?"

"No." He spat out, refusing to meet her eyes. "However I refuse to submit to a drug test."

"Then you will not be eligible to compete during National's." She said seriously, not understanding why he wouldn't just take the damn blood test and compete. As long as she'd known him he had never been into drugs or alcohol, so why was this going to be a problem?

"You can't win without me. You need me." He said desperately, pleading with her to listen to reason.

"We can and we will, if we have to. Why won't you just take the test?"

"BECAUSE I CAN'T."

She met his glare and realized for the first time that she hadn't looked at him properly in months. She hadn't noticed that he was either a beat ahead of a beat behind when it came to their routines, that he hadn't smiled properly, even a show face, in over a month, and that he was slowly shrinking away to nothing as he'd forgotten to eat more times than he could count. She noticed the dilation of his pupils and the shaking of his hands and she realized all of the signs that she hadn't been noticing, all of the things that she _should have noticed!_ She had lived in New York for years, she knew all of the signs of Heroin addiction…yet when it came to her own pupil she hadn't noticed until it was too late.

"Jesse, please…just tell me what's wrong. I want to help you."

"I don't need your help." He spat, wrenching himself out of her grasp. "I don't need you. I don't need _anyone."_

"Jesse…" she whispered, terrified that she was losing him, watching him throw away everything he'd ever worked for.

"Am I out or not, just tell me now?" He said harshly, whirling around to face her. She couldn't make the words come out of her mouth but she knew that if he couldn't take the drug test then he couldn't compete, so she just nodded. He sucked in a deep breath and turned around, walking away from her and towards the exit.

"Son, wait!" she called out, knowing that she couldn't just let him walk away without doing something. He froze in his tracks and whirled around to face her, the devastation on his face causing her heart to crack.

"I am _not_ your son, you bitch. So I need you to leave me alone and… go back to your perfect family. Pretend you never met me, hell pretend you never knew I existed. It shouldn't be very hard for you!"

"Jesse, wait!" Shelby cried after him, turning him around and grasping his face in her hands. "You mean a lot to me, like you—"

"NO!" he managed to choke out, turning away from her as the tears streamed down his face. He could feel his defenses starting to crumble and he knew that if he didn't get out of there soon he was going to fall apart. He pushed her away and ran out into the parking lot, scrambling into the van as he pulled the other baggy out of his pocket. Without even taking the time to put it into lines he snorted it all, turning the key in the ignition as he saw Shelby run out of the auditorium doors as he drove away.

He had to get out of there before he said something he'd regret.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Quinn hung up the phone and screamed in frustration, ignoring the terrified look on Finn's face. She could hardly look at him right now; she was so angry and confused. She had never had to deal with anything this messed up; even her pregnancy had been less crazy than this was. She was not equipped to deal with these types of things; she didn't know what to do and what to say. However she knew that if Finn hadn't been there she would have fallen apart, and she was so thankful that he had helped her out.

It had been the craziest two days of her life, and she wondered if she would ever be the same.

_They followed Jesse as he drove the SUV recklessly through the streets, nearly getting into more accidents than she could begin to count. He finally pulled up outside of a house where there was obviously a party going on, and while they wanted to follow him they knew that they were never be able to find him while the party raged on. After a few hours of sitting in the car and waiting, occasionally talking and sleeping, the police broke up the party and everyone left. Only a few cars remained in the driveway, and one of them was Jesse's. They knew they should go in and find out what was going on, but they had both fallen asleep and didn't wake up until the next morning. When she woke up Quinn was ashamed that she'd fallen asleep while trying to make sure her friend didn't do anything stupid, and she quietly snuck out of the van and headed towards the house, knowing that Finn would have never let her go inside if he was awake. She pushed the door open and noticed that while the house didn't look as destroyed as Jesse's had, it didn't look that good either. She weaved her way through the rooms, peering into them as she walked by. A red haired girl was lying upside down on an ottoman, a bottle of Jack Daniels clutched in her hand as a green haired boy next to her was snoring loudly. In the next room there was about six people all lying on a bed in various stages of undress, probably all having indulged in some kind of group sex before passing out. Quinn never knew things like this actually happened in real life, she just thought it was something that happened on TV._

_Finally she came to the last room at the end of the hallway and she pushed the door open slowly, afraid of what she was going to see. She saw a girl lying on a bed face down in a pile of her own bile, blood surrounding her as she seized. She ran into the room, nearly tripping over someone on the floor, as she raced to help the girl. After deliberating for a few moments she pulled her phone out of her pocket and called an ambulance, describing what had happened to the best of her ability. She heard the body on the floor start to move but she ignored it, focusing more on the poor girl in front of her. The girl had so many cuts running along her body that the blood was everywhere, pouring out of them. Between that and the seizing, Quinn knew that if an ambulance didn't get there soon that there wasn't going to be anything they could do for her. She started to cry and she was so thankful when the ambulance arrived, taking charge of the situation. As the paramedics exited the room with the girl Quinn finally was able to catch her breath, until she realized who the body on the floor was._

"_Oh my god." She gasped out, sinking to her knees as she took in the state of the man in front of her. He was lying face down on the ground and his breath sounded ragged and strained. She rolled him over and her worst fears were confirmed. The boy wearing the Vocal Adrenalin practice jacket was Jesse, and he didn't look good. She took in his appearance for the first time in weeks, and she was surprised to see how different he was. His hair looked limp and his features looked strained, even in his unconscious state. He started to thrash and she wondered in horror if he was seizing too, but after a few moments he stopped and lay still, causing her to take notice of the state of his arms that she saw peeking out from under the jacket. She peeled the jacket off of him, getting worried when he barely stirred, and she gasped and held a hand to her mouth when she saw what he had undeniably done to himself. There were perpendicular gashes alongside his arms, as well as the word Rachel carved into the underside of his arm. She felt the tears spill out of her eyes as she sobbed for the boy who was falling apart in front of her eyes. She didn't stop crying until she felt a hand on her shoulder, and when she looked up she was thankful that it was Finn._

Between the two of them they'd managed to get Jesse into the van and take him back to his house before he'd woken up, looking as if he'd died and come back from it.

"_What the fuck are you doing here?" He'd spat out, recoiling from the two of them. Quinn opened her mouth to say something but she was stopped by the way Jesse's eyes looked. They were dead, and his normally excited and beautiful blue eyes were nonexistent. When she looked into his eyes she could see her own reflection, as his eyes were the darkest shade of black. She wondered if he was wearing contacts until she realized that her worst fears had been confirmed…Jesse was on drugs._

"_Oh Jesse." She'd cried out, trying to move towards him and give him a hug, but he'd pushed her away. "What have you done to yourself?" He looked down at his cuts and then back at her before smirking and pushing past her, nearly stumbling and falling. He only managed to remain on his feet because Finn had caught him, but he pushed the taller boy and struggled to right himself._

"_Leave me alone." He had hissed out, pulling something out of his pocket and pushing past them into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind them. They could hear clattering and banging coming from behind the door and Quinn wondered what was happening until they heard a yelp of pain followed by a long period of silence. She looked towards Finn and nodded before he kicked the door and it swung open, revealing a standing Jesse. His eyes looked even wilder than before, and he was breathing rapidly._

"_Nice to see you." He had said sarcastically, pushing the two of them out of the way with more strength than she'd thought he had. Finn moved to block his way out of the door but Jesse punched him, sending him to the floor as he raced out of the house and into the yard._

_By the time the two of them got outside, Jesse was gone._

_That was when Jesse's cell phone had rung from where it had fallen to the floor at some point, and Finn, being the idiot that he was, answered it when he saw Rachel's name on the Caller ID._

_They had waited at his house for what felt like hours, until Quinn got a phone call from Shelby that made her start to worry even more about her friend._

"_Quinn? It's Shelby. Is Jesse with you?"_

"No He left a few hours ago. We figured he went to VA practice, since he took our car. He didn't?"

"No he did." Shelby sounded really worried, and it was starting to really frighten the younger blonde. "I told everyone about the drug tests for National's tomorrow and Jesse acted really strangely. He said some things that…worry me. I was wondering if you could go find him and talk to him? I think there's something seriously wrong." Shelby sounded on the verge of tears and Quinn told her that she would go look for him, even though they didn't know where to start.

She hadn't known what she'd find when they finally did find him.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN: **So this chapter just keeps getting longer and longer! I'm splitting it again and the next part should be up in a few days, and it's the part that I'm the most unsure of. I love self destructive Jesse, but I've written him to the point where I'm scared for him, and I'm writing the story! Tell me what you guys think; I want to make sure I haven't stretched him too think.

In the next chapter: Rachel makes a decision, Quinn panics, Jesse hits rock bottom, and Haley re-appears.


	6. Without You

Chapter Six: Without You

_Sing something new  
I have nothing left  
I can't face the dark without you  
There's nothing left to lose  
The fight never ends  
I can't face the dark without you_

Swallow me under and pull me apart  
I understand there's nothing left  
Pain so familiar and close to the heart  
No more, no less, I won't forget

Come back down save yourself  
I can't find my way to you  
And I can't bear and face the truth

Without You – Breaking Benjamin

The tears were falling steadily now, trickling down his cheeks, as he fought desperately to maintain his composure. The car was pushing 180 on the highway and he felt his eyes slipping as the tears blurred his vision and he fought to remain conscious. He wasn't sure how much he'd taken but he knew that it wasn't reacting well with him, and he didn't know how much longer he'd be able to remain conscious. The car swerved violently as his eyes dipped close for half a second, and a scream died in his throat as he saw the banking right before he went over it. The car rolled down the banking and crashed into the barrier separating the two high ways. His seatbelt pulled against his chest and the glass all around him shattered as the car came to a stop, causing his head to connect painfully with the steering wheel. His eyes rolled back in his head as the effects on the drugs combined with the pain caused him to scream out in agony, feeling so much pain running through him. He unbuckled the seat belt and let out a moan of pain as his chest constricted, heart pounding dramatically and quickly in his chest. He felt like he was going to have a heart attack, it was beating so fast.

In the aftermath of the accident he'd completely forgotten what he had been so upset about, until it all came back and smacked him in the face.

He was no longer in Vocal Adrenaline.

He'd lost the only real role model he'd ever known.

He'd been replaced.

He wasn't needed.

He was alone.

He had no one.

He couldn't even look forward to a future because without Vocal Adrenalin and Nationals, he would lose his scholarship to UCLA.

He really and truly had nothing.

What was the point?

He started to laugh feverishly when he came to the realization that he'd decided he didn't want to live at the exact moment he survived what could have been a devastating car crash. His thoughts sobered up after a few moments and then the dam broke, causing all the emotions that he'd repressed over the years to come pouring out as he sat in the wrecked car.

He thought about the parents who had never wanted him, never loved him, that saw him as a burden. He thought about the future he would never get to have at UCLA, or on Broadway. He thought about the friends that he never got to have because he was so focused on being a star, on being the best. He thought about the team mates who only care about him when it was going to benefit them, of the girl who was kind of his friend only out of pity, and of the one girl who'd made all of the other shit bearable.

The one girl who wanted nothing to do with him yet could have maybe been the one person capable of saving him from himself.

These thoughts calmed him, and he realized finally what his thoughts had been leading him to lately. He knew exactly what he needed to do now, now that Vocal Adrenalin was a mere memory of the past and the future that could have been and never would be. Hands shaking harshly, vision threatening to give out on him, Jesse took out the one thing that he knew would never let him down or replace him or never need him. He held the blade between his fingers and pushed down on the skin of his wrist, hardly wincing when the blood started to seep out of the cut. He tried to do the same to the other one but his hand was shaking so severely that it was futile, and he was having a difficult time keeping his eyes open.

As his eyes started to involuntarily close all he could think about was the people in his life who had let him down, and the face of the one girl who had given him a chance despite all his flaws and shortcomings. She had been willing to take a chance on him despite all the warning she'd been given, and he'd repaid her by breaking her heart and smashing an egg on her forehead.

As far as he was concerned, this was just karma righting it's wrong.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE* 

_But there's nowhere to hide from these bones, from my mind  
It's broken inside – I'm a man and a child  
I'm at home with a ghost, who got left in the cold  
Who knocks at my peace, with no keys to my soul_

And the whispers of fear, the chill up the spine  
Will steal away too, with a flick of the light  
The minute you do it, with fingers so blind  
You remove every bit of the blue from your mind

But there's nowhere to hide from the ghost in my mind  
It's cold in these bones – of a man and a child  
And there's no one who knows, and there's nowhere to go  
There's no one to see who can see to my soul

Rachel knew she had to go back home to Ohio, she knew it with every fiber of her being. That didn't make it any easier though, especially since she knew that when she went back everything was going to change. She had just gotten off the phone with her Dad and Daddy and they had all decided that it was time for her to come home and deal with everything she'd left behind. Rachel still wasn't 100% sure if it was best for her, but she knew that she was starting to feel better about seeing Jesse again. She no longer felt the urge to be physically sick when she thought about him, and her heart sort of swelled now when she thought about seeing his shining face again. She wondered if he missed her as much as she'd missed him. She was dragged out of her thoughts when her Aunt barged into her room, telling Rachel that she was going to the pharmacy if she needed anything picked up. Rachel got up off of the bed and went into the bathroom to check and see if she needed anything. She was low on conditioner, but she could pick up some more when she went to Lima because she liked a certain kind. She had enough eye shadow, eyeliner and mascara, she was running out of tooth paste but she had enough for a few days and…

Her heart stopped when she looked at her bag of toiletries. She only had one tampon left, and she'd remembered leaving her new box in Lima almost two whole months ago. She hadn't needed them her entire time she'd been in New York…and she hadn't even noticed. When she added that along with the fact that she'd been sick for two months almost and had been hungrier than usual, she sadly came to a conclusion.

She was pregnant…and hadn't even known. God, she was so stupid! If her Aunt hadn't came into the room when she had and asked about toiletries she probably wouldn't have noticed until the baby started kicking! And that would have been a shocker. She resisted the urge to burst out into uncontrollable tears as she headed back into the room, avoiding eye contact with her Aunt who was look worriedly at her niece.

"Can you please get me a pregnancy test?" She asked quietly, not wanting to see the look of disappointment and disapproval in her Aunt's eyes. She was surprised when she heard a snort followed by a short laugh as she looked up into her Aunt's eyes, blinking back tears.

"You've hardly left the house or spent time with anyone besides Melchior, how on earth could you be pregnant?" She asked as she laughed, trying to control herself. Then she stopped abruptly, remembering how her brother had told her that they were sending Rachel to her because she'd been devastated by a boy she'd been dating, and how he'd left her. When she looked down into her niece's eyes she knew it was true, and she drew the poor girl into a comforting hug as she sobbed into her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel." She said sadly, hugging her niece back hard, knowing that this was going to be the most difficult test her niece would ever have to take. She asked if Rachel wanted to go with her but she declined, deciding to stay behind and wait.

After her Aunt left Rachel walked over towards the piano in the foyer and sat on the bench, fingering the keys idly. She had an urge to sing something but she wasn't sure if she had the strength at the moment, her spirit felt like it was being crushed inside of her. It wasn't that she was upset about the baby being Jesse's, that part elated her, but she was devastated that she may possibly be pregnant at sixteen…which would very much hinder her plans of ever being a Broadway star, and Jesse's plans of excelling at UCLA in September.

"Rachel… can I sing with you?" Her cousin Melchior asked her as he tugged on the sleeve of her shirt, sliding onto the bench next to her. She smiled softly at the little boy beside her and nodded, asking if there were any songs that he wanted to sing. He told her, sheepishly, that he'd just watched a movie on the Disney channel and there was a song he'd really liked on it by Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas. Rachel generally disliked Disney stars, but she unfortunately did know the song, and in effort to make her cousin she reluctantly agreed to sing the song.

"_I've always been the kind of girl  
That hid my face  
So afraid to tell the world  
What I've got to say  
But I had this dream  
Right inside of me  
I'm going to let it show  
It's time  
To let you know"_

She took the first verse, pouring out all of her emotions into the song. She somewhat identified with the lyrics, about having a dream and it saddened her because if she was really pregnant, her dreams were never going to come true. She felt the tears coming to her eyes but she pushed them away, determined to make it through the song.

"_To let you know"_

"_This is the real, this is me  
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now  
Gonna let the light  
Shine on me  
Now I found  
Who I am  
There's no way to hold it in  
No more hiding who I want to be  
This is me"_

She continued to play the song as her little cousin launched into the second verse, singing his little heart out. She was surprised that he wasn't all that bad for a seven year old, and that he had obviously inherited the Berry talent. __

"Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark  
To dream about a life where you're the shining star  
Even though it seems  
Like it's too far away  
I have to believe in myself  
It's the only way"

As they sang together she couldn't help but picture Jesse sitting next to her, singing the song to her, letting her know that no matter what happens everything would be okay.__

"This is the real, this is me  
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now  
Gonna let the light  
Shine on me  
Now I found  
Who I am  
There's no way to hold it in  
No more hiding who I want to be  
This is me"

Her voice cracked on the last note and she stood up from the piano, saying that she wasn't feeling well, and then raced into her bedroom when she sobbed brokenly into a pillow. Who was she kidding? That song was a joke. She _was_ hiding; the whole stupid trip to New York had been one big ruse. She hadn't gone in order to give herself time to trust again, she'd just been too afraid of letting Jesse back in and getting hurt again. She'd been afraid of giving him that part of herself that she'd kept hiding deep inside for so many years. She hadn't realized that she'd already given it to him until now, and she wondered if it was too late for them.

She didn't have too much time to dwell on it as her Aunt was home with the test, and it was time to find out the truth. She took the test and her Aunt held her hand as they waited three minutes for the results, both of them crying when the two pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test. Her Aunt held her as she cried and called her Daddies, who arranged to come up and get her the next day. As her last night in New York her Aunt made her go out and see Spring Awakening with them, and she found herself captivated with Melchior and Wendla. When Wendla discovered she was pregnant Rachel couldn't help but establish a kinship with her, and she was devastated when she died at the end of the play. When they went home that evening Rachel downloaded the entire soundtrack on iTunes and let the soothing sounds wash over her as she finally fell asleep, thankful that she would be returning home the next day. 

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Quinn had never liked hospitals, and she especially didn't like this one. The walls were too white and depressing, the coffee was abysmal, and everyone tried too hard to make you smile. It made her want to hit something, or someone…maybe both. Finn was sitting in one of the plastic seats, head in his hands, and she wished for nothing more than to be able to sit there with him, wrap him in her embrace as they comforted each other. But she knew it wouldn't be appropriate or acceptable, so she paced. She paced from one end of the room to the other, only stopping once or twice to make a glance towards the nurses' station. She had called Rachel's parents on the way to the hospital so that they would know where to bring her when they got into town, but she made them promise not to tell her anything. She wanted to be the one to tell Rachel what had happened since she'd been gone, how everything was so different and _so _messed up.

She could feel her hands trembling, as they had been since she'd gotten the phone call from the ambulance drivers.

_Quinn had been sitting on Jesse's bed with her head in her hands, wondering what they were going to do with no transportation and no money to get anywhere when her phone rang, jolting her out of her thoughts. She saw her mother's name cross across the screen and wondered if something was wrong._

"_Mom?"_

"_Hey honey." Her mom said, her voice sounding like it was cracking. "Where are you?"_

"_I'm at Jesse St. James' house, why?"_

"_Oh Quinnie. I'm so sorry, but I have to put you on hold. You'll understand." Quinn stared at the phone in confusion and when the phone rang in Jesse's house she practically jumped out of her skin. She looked at Finn and he looked at her before he picked up the phone and cautiously said hello. He listened into the phone before removing the phone from his ear and extending it in her direction. She gave him a confused look and took the phone, blanching when she saw him slide to the floor and put his head in his hands. Hands shaking, she pressed the phone to her ear._

"_Ms. Fabray? Quinn Fabray?"_

"_Yes." She squeaked, cursing herself for sounding weak and scared. She was obviously, but they didn't know that. She was afraid that something bad had happened to her daughter, and she started to cry silently._

"_We're calling from Lima General, we have a Jesse St. James here and he listed you as his only contact information."_

"_L-listed?"_

"_He said your name in the ambulance as well as some Rachel, but we never got a last name for her. You should come down here right away, ma'am."_

"_Is he o-okay?"_

"_Ma'am, we prefer not to disclose that kind of information over the phone." She nodded but realized that he couldn't see her; and there was still the problem of having no transportation._

"_I-I'm at J-Jesse's." She managed to say, trying to contain her sobs. "H-he took our c-car. How am I s-supposed to g-get there?"_

_They told them that they would send a cab within ten minutes, and when it showed up the two of them had climbed into it and rode silently to the hospital._

They'd been waiting for any kind of news all day, and because Quinn was the only person they knew how to contact for Jesse, she was the go to girl. They had talked to her when she came in and she had tried her best to fill out the medical forms but she didn't know what kind of insurance he had or anything like that. It was then that she remembered she had Jesse's cell phone in her purse, and she pulled it out. He scanned through his contacts looking for anything that would resemble his parents, but they were all just names. She cursed and wondered why she didn't know what his parents names were, some friend she was.

"His father's name is William." Finn said casually from his seat by the wall, head still in his hands. "Jesse William St. James, after his father, is what I'm pretty sure Rachel told me." She nodded and scanned back through the contacts, relieved when she saw a William. She dialed the number and held the phone to her ear, hoping that this was the right number and that she wouldn't have to make anymore phone calls.

"Jesse? Why are you calling?" A man's gruff voice said as he answered the phone, sounding like she'd interrupted some kind of important business meeting. "We agreed that we'd talk every other Tuesday, and today is Sunday. Is it an emergency?"

"Mr. St. James?" Quinn asked hesitantly, wanting to make sure that it was the right guy.

"Yes. Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Quinn Fabray; I used to go to school with Jesse when he went to McKinley." She was trying hard to be strong and keep calm, but this man on the other end of the phone was pissing her off beyond belief.

"That's nice. Did Jesse call you a name? Crush your dreams? Get you pregnant? How much is it going to cost to make you go away?" She gasped at his harsh words and was tempted to hang up the phone on him, but she didn't because it was her responsibility to let him know what had happened to his son.

"No. I just thought you should know that Jesse is in the hospital, since he is your son." She spit out, finding that she was getting more and more angry.

"Exhaustion? Dehydration? It's not the first time, just send me the bill."

"How can you care so little about your son? They won't tell us anything because we're not blood relatives, but he's in there fighting for his life and you don't care enough about him to even ask if he's okay?" She was disgusted with him, and it was taking everything she could do not to tell him to go fuck himself. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked into Finn's eyes, doing her best to calm down.

"You know nothing about me, little girl. I'm a busy man, Jesse understands that. He'll be fine, and when he is fine why don't you get him to call his mother." And then the man hung up, leaving Quinn to gape silently at the phone as tears ran down her face. She couldn't imagine parents caring that little about their children because even though her parents had been furious about getting her pregnant they still managed to call Mrs. Puckerman once a week to make sure that she was okay. Well her mom did anyway, but her father was an asshole.

"I just can't believe he could just not care about his son." She said softly, tears streaming down her face. Finn gently pulled her by the hand and led her to the plastic chairs, sitting down beside her as she burst into tears. He held her as she cried and as he wrapped his arms around her he realized that no matter what she did to him, no matter what had happened in the past, he would still love her. He would love her because he was the strongest person he had ever met in his entire life, and she made everyone else around her stronger just by being there.

"Quinn."

She looked up into his eyes and he looked into hers and they both seemed to move in, as if their lips were magnets that were attracted to each other. Their lips were only about an inch apart, and she could feel his breath on her face, when a doctor came strolling into the room and called out her name. She jumped away from Finn and stood up, rushing over to the doctor.

"Ms. Fabray?" She nodded and he smiled before rummaging through his clipboard, probably looking for Jesse's chart.

"Jesse was brought in with a lot of injuries including a very serious amount of swelling in his brain, fractured ribs, a broken arm, and many lacerations up and down his body from the car accident. However there was also a lethal amount of a drug called Diacetylmorphine in his blood stream that is presumed to be self inflicted. There were also some lacerations on his arms and wrists that are presumably self-inflicted so if he awakes he will placed on a 72 hour mandatory suicide watch before being discharged."

"If he awakes?" She asked in shock, not having ever expected that the accident would have been that severe.

"His body has gone into a state of shock from the drugs, the blood loss from the accident, and the cuts on his wrists. He has fallen into a coma and with the pressure in his brain and the swelling its unknown as to when or if he will wake up. Is there anyone we can contact? A family member?"

"I called his father, and he isn't coming." Quinn said sadly, hating the pitying look that had appeared in the eyes of the doctor. The doctor nodded and sighed, not sure how he was going to have this conversation with a seventeen year old girl.

"The Diacetylmorphine in his system is a problem that we're concerned about most right now. His body has depended on it and now that he's not getting it, his body may start to reject our treatments as he goes through withdrawal."

"Withdrawal? What even is Diacetylmorphine?"

"Diacetylmorphine is the scientific name for a drug that is commonly known as Heroin."

"Oh no." She cried out, nearly buckling as she realized how deep into depression Jesse had sunk. She had thought that maybe it was pot, ecstasy at the worst, but never heroin. Her heart cried for the boy who had felt so alone and unsure in the world that he'd had to do drugs, serious drugs, in order to get by.

"What's going to happen when he wakes up?" She asked, trying to remain strong. She refused to even consider the possibility of him not waking up.

"He will have to be on suicide watch for three days, fully conscious. However he's going to be in a lot of pain because we won't be legally permitted to give him any methadone or morphine because of the drug addiction. After he's completed the suicide watch and has been discharged from the hospital he will have to undergo a 90 day rehabilitation facility to overcome his problem. After the rehabilitation program he will be tested bi-weekly to ensure that he is not using for 6 months and he will also have to attend therapy sessions for the next year. We don't mess around with teens and drugs, Ms, Fabray, especially when the chances of relapsing are so high. He is going to need a stable support system to help him get through this so I have to ask, does he have one?"

"He has us." She whispered softly, realizing for the first time how alone he really was. "A-and I think his girlfriend, Rachel."

"You think?"

"S-she doesn't know."

"I don't know what?"

Quinn whirled around to see a smiling Rachel Berry standing behind her with her two fathers, looking confused and a little sad but smiling none the less. She turned to look at the doctor and then back at Rachel before bursting into tears.

They were only kids; they shouldn't have to deal with this!

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*


	7. The Word of Your Body

Chapter 7: The Word of Your Body

_O, I'm gonna be wounded  
O, I'm gonna be your wound  
O, I'm gonna bruise you  
O, you're gonna be my bruise_

Just too unreal, all this…

**The Word of your Body** – Jonathon Groff & Lea Michele

Rachel raced to the door and swung it open wide, grinning widely when she saw her father's standing on her door step. They enveloped her in a hug and helped her take her things to the car before thank her Aunt and Uncle for letting her stay with them for awhile. They said it was fine and that she was a pleasure to have and she hugged them both before running to the car and climbing in the back. She was excited to be going back, even though she knew that things were going to be hard. She got her daddies to let her play the Spring Awakening soundtrack on the car ride home and they promised that they would bring her back to New York at some point to see it again. She found that she was actually going to miss living with her relatives, her cousin Melchior would be a heart breaker when he got old enough and she hoped that some day he auditioned to be in the play he was named after, for nothing would make her happier than to see little Melchior perform as Melchior.

About halfway into the drive home her Dad got a phone call that caused him to become eerily quiet. When they stopped the car at a rest stop so that she could use the bathroom she saw her father's fighting over by the car, her Dad saying something to her Daddy who looked really upset. When they saw her coming over to the car they stopped fighting and smiled at her, asking if there was anything else she needed before they left. After they bought her a mars bar, which she had been craving badly, they pulled back onto the highway and Rachel forgot all about the fact that they had been fighting. She was still shocked that her Dad's hadn't said anything about the baby yet, and she wondered if they were angry or disappointed. She almost wished they would have yelled at her, because that would be easier than not knowing what was going through their minds.

She didn't spend too much time dwelling on that as she was too busy panicking, wondering what she would say to Jesse when she saw him. She wondered if he was angry at her for leaving and not telling him, and for changing her phone number. She realized now that it probably hadn't been the best idea, but she hoped that he would forgive her for her sake and for the baby's.

She was terrified to have to tell him, because she had no idea how he would react. He could take it one of two ways; he could either embrace it completely or leave her alone in order to achieve his dreams. She knew that he dreamed of being a star just like she did, but she didn't know what she would do if he went to UCLA and decided that he wanted nothing to do with the baby growing inside of her. She wasn't sure if she would even be able to raise the baby if Jesse wasn't going to be involved in some way, it would be too difficult and hard on her heart. She couldn't imagine raising a baby in a world where Jesse didn't want it, didn't love it.

It would break her heart every day until the end of time.

She thought about this the entire drive back to Lima, wondering how she would tell him. Honestly she wondered if he would even talk to her after how she'd behaved. It had been childish and immature, and if she were him she wasn't sure if she would forgive herself either. When they hit the city limits Rachel was surprised to see that they weren't headed in the direction of their house, but down a street that she'd never been down before. When they pulled up outside of the hospital and parked the car, Rachel was really starting to get confused.

"Daddy what are we doing here?"

"Quinn called when we were on the way and she wanted us to meet her here." Rachel's eyes widened and she frantically unbuckled herself from the seat belt. She jumped out of the car and impatiently waited for her fathers to get out of the car as they headed into the hospital. Her father's went straight to the front desk but as she looked around she saw Finn Hudson sitting on one of the plastic chairs against the wall with his head in his hands. She started to sprint for him but she saw Quinn talking to a doctor and she slowed down, feeling her father's come up from behind her and grasp her by the arms. She wondered why until she heard Quinn say her name and something about her not knowing, and she decided to speak up.

"She doesn't know what?"

Quinn whirled around with a gasp and looked like she was going to faint as she burst into tears and Finn hopped up from his chair and came to stand behind her, winding his arms around her stomach. She looked like she was going to pass out and Rachel wondered idly if something had happened to one of the members of Glee.

"What don't I know Quinn?" She asked again, narrowing her eyes at the blonde girl who was falling apart in front of her eyes. She didn't have the patience to deal with Quinn's drama, she wanted to go find Jesse and tell him everything.

"Are you Rachel Berry?" the doctor asked, turning towards her. She took in the doctor's appearance and nodded, extending a hand in his direction. The Doctor didn't accept, but was staring at her. More accurately, he was staring at her stomach that was starting to round ever so slightly, more apparently in the tight fitting shirt that she'd put on before leaving New York. She hadn't planned on anyone seeing her in it, so it hadn't occurred to her to wear something that would hide the bump.

"Yes I am." She said confidently.

"Are you pregnant?" He seemed flabbergasted, and when she looked over to meet Finn and Quinn's eyes she saw that they looked just as shocked as the Doctor was. She blushed and muttered that, yes; she was pregnant as she saw Quinn begin to sway on her feet. Finn helped the blonde girl into one of the chairs and was on his knees in front of her, talking to her about something. Rachel wondered why her news was so disturbing until the doctor turned toward her and took a deep breath. He motioned for her and her parents to follow him into the side room and she did hesitantly, wondering what was going on. The room appeared to be his office and he gestured for the three of them to take a seat on the couch opposite the desk, as he handed them a box of Kleenex.

Rachel felt like they were about to be told that someone had died as her father's grasped her hand in theirs.

"Rachel, is it safe to assume that the father of your baby is Jesse St. James?"

"I'm not sure if that's any of your business…" she said awkwardly, avoiding his stare, "but yes, it is. How did you know?"

"Rachel…Jesse was admitted to the hospital earlier this morning." She scrambled to her feet but her father's pulled her back down, winding their arms around her as she started to shake. If they had pulled her into the private room there was nothing good that could come of it, and Quinn had been crying so hard and had said that she needed to come home…

Oh god. Jesse was _dead._

"No no no no no no no" she wailed, clutching her stomach as she started to sob uncontrollably.

"Rachel"

"Rachel"

"RACHEL"

Rachel looked up through her sobs and saw the Doctor standing above her, looking worried. She wondered why until she realized that her heart was beating erratically and she found herself short of breath. She started to hyperventilate and the doctor told her to put her head between her knees which she did, still struggling to reclaim her breath.

"Rachel, Jesse needs you to be strong for him, and the baby. You need to breathe."

"How can I breathe when the one boy I love more than love itself is_ dead_?" She screeched dramatically, sobbing and trying to breathe through the pain.

"He's not dead!" The doctor shouted, causing Rachel to cease crying and slowly recompose herself.

"He's not?"

"No. He's not…but we have a lot to talk about."

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"I can't believe Rachel's pregnant." Finn muttered, still holding Quinn in his arms as she sobbed into his shoulder. She mumbled a response through her tears but he couldn't hear it so he continued to hold as she cried. The entire situation was completely bizarre, and he wasn't sure how he should be feeling right about now. Two days ago he'd been spending the summer playing video games and attempting to re-establish his friendship with Puck and now he was sitting in a hospital waiting room with the girl he loved crying over a guy he hated. He couldn't help but think karma was a bitch, and they were all getting the payment they deserved. Finally Quinn's tears seemed to stop flowing and she seemed to calm herself down, until Rachel walked out of the private room the doctor had taken them into. She was power walking down the hallway and Finn and Quinn jumped out of their seats to chase after her, determined to be there for their friend. They followed Rachel to the bathroom where Finn left them, sinking to the floor outside the bathroom. He could hear murmurs and sobs from behind the door and he wanted nothing more than to be able to quell the fears that the girls were experiencing, to tell them that things were going to get better.

But he didn't know if they would.

Finn liked to consider himself an optimist but he knew that this situation was shitty, no matter how you looked at it. Even if Jesse managed to come out of this completely okay his life was pretty much over. He would never be allowed to go back to Vocal Adrenalin, he'd probably be expelled from Carmel because of the drugs, and his scholarship to UCLA would definitely be gone. He could understand why the dude had tried to kill himself after he'd gotten in too deep, but that didn't make it any less stupid. He had no idea how Rachel was feeling right now, especially since she was apparently pregnant with the guy's kid. That kind of blew, for Rachel anyway, since her baby daddy was in the hospital fighting his life and whatever. He couldn't believe that they had to go back to school in two weeks, it seemed totally surreal. The summer had gone by so fast, and he couldn't believe that all of this stuff had been going on and he'd had no idea. He hadn't even known that Jesse was like sad or anything and then the guy had gone all psycho depressive and started doing drugs and killing himself. He couldn't imagine loving someone that much but even as he thought it, Quinn's face appeared in his mind and he knew that love could make you do, and believe, ridiculous things.

He wasn't a complete idiot. He knew that a girl couldn't get pregnant in a hot tub, but he had let her convince him because he had wanted that little girl inside of her to be his so bad that it was almost okay that she wasn't, because at least he could pretend that she was. Until he found out the truth and had to face the fact that she wasn't really is, and that had sucked hardcore. He knew that Jesse and Rachel were going to have a really hard time facing their new reality, especially now, and he hoped that he'd be able to help in anyone possible.

He didn't like the guy all that much, but no one deserved to have to go it alone.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

When Quinn pushed open the bathroom door she was surprised to see Rachel Berry staring stoically into the mirror in front of her, as if glaring at her reflection would change the situation that she found herself in. She could tell by the fact that Rachel's eyes were red with tear tracks running down her cheeks that the girl had been crying, but the fact that she was no longer crying proved that the doctor had told her everything, including the stuff about the drugs.

"Did you know?" Rachel whispered, not looking away from her reflection in the mirror. Quinn wondered if the girl had even blinked since she'd heard the news but she shook her head in reply to her friend's question.

"I've been trying to get through to him for awhile…he's been lost." She wanted to say this as carefully as she could because even though she knew that this was all basically because of Rachel, she didn't want to say it out loud. "I know a girl from VA and she was watching him for me, until he started to get...worse. So I called Finn and we tailed him, and that was when I suspected he was in trouble. We tried to help him but he w-wouldn't l-let us. I tried to talk to him but he p-pushed me away and then Shelby called and said he was in t-trouble and then the a-ambulance c-called and…" She trailed off as she succumbed to her tears, feeling like a failure of a friend. Rachel had entrusted in her one simple instruction, look after Jesse, and shed been unable to stop him from self destructing. She had let them both down, and now they were all going to have to suffer the consequences.

"It's my fault" Rachel said idly, staring into the mirror. "…and don't try to tell me it's not, we both know that it is. If I hadn't run off to New York this wouldn't have happened." Quinn opened her mouth to say something to contradict her friend's statement but she didn't know what to say, so she allowed her mouth to close. She looked up and saw her best friend's face crumple and fall as she started to sob hysterically, faltering on her feet as she started to slide down onto the floor. Quinn caught her mid-fall and captured the hysterical girl in her arms, allowing them to fall softly onto the ground. Rachel's cries were so heartbreaking that Quinn felt the tears welling up in her eyes once more, and she wondered how it was possible that she had any tears left in her to cry. Almost as soon as she started, Rachel stopped crying and wiped the tears away from her eyes.

"I have to be strong for them, I can't cry about it anymore. It won't change anything."

Quinn couldn't help but admire the strength coming from the brunette woman in front of her whose heart was so obviously breaking on her sleeve that it was painful even to watch. She couldn't even being to imagine what experiencing this kind of pain would be like, and she was thankful that things had worked out so well for her and Noah when Beth had come into the world. She couldn't imagine what she would have done if something like this had happened to him, and she didn't even really love him. Jesse and Rachel were the kind of love that you read about in story books, so this kind of thing happening to them seemed so surreal and wrong, that it just shouldn't be happening.

But it was.

And it wasn't fair.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

8 hours later Jesse was out of surgery, and she had convinced herself that she would be able to go in there and see him without bursting into tears. She was determined to be as strong for him as she could be, for the two of them and for their baby. The doctor had explained to her that going through rehabilitation was going to very difficult for him and that he was going to need all of the support that he could gather around him, and that the time for childhood problems was not now. It didn't matter how angry she was at him at getting into the drugs and trying to kill himself, all that mattered now was that he lived long enough so that she could figure out why he did it and help him move past it.

The only thing was, she was terrified to find out why he did it.

Standing in the bathroom staring at her reflection in the mirror, she felt like a murderer. She may not have given him the drugs or put the blade in his hands but she felt like she'd done it, like she'd snuffed out the life of someone so successful that it was ridiculous. It made her want to break down and dissolve into tears when she heard that his career as a vocalist with VA was over, and that his scholarship was likely to be revoked from UCLA along with his acceptance when they heard that he'd almost died due to a drug related incident. She couldn't help but feel intensely guilty about all of it, wondering if things would have been different if she'd just answered his phone calls when he'd called.

She'd been petty, thinking about her own hurt feelings, and not thinking even once to consider his. She'd never considered how he would take her abandonment, how it would change him. She had thought that maybe he'd focus more on performing, or cry a little, but she had never imagine that something like this would happen.

She hoped to god that it wasn't solely because of her, because if it was…she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look herself in the eye ever again.

She took a deep breath before pushing open the door to his room hesitantly, not sure exactly what she'd be seeing. She was shocked and she would have taken a step backwards if Quinn hadn't been behind her, pushing her towards the bed. She sat down on the edge of his bed as Quinn took the chair beside it, looking just as miserable as she felt. She knew that Quinn felt guilty about not being able to sense that anything was wrong with Jesse before it was too late, but she wasn't to blame. If anyone was to blame it was Rachel, but that comment remained unspoken.

"Oh Jesse…" She whispered quietly, taking in all of the machines that he was strapped to that beeped methodically. She found that the beeping was one of the best sounds she'd heard in a really long time, because they proved that he was still alive and still with her. She looked him over quickly, compartmentalizing all his injuries. His beautiful curly hair had been shaved off and there were bandages covering his head completely, as well as some minor lacerations on his face and his neck. His arm was in a cast so it was obviously broken and judging from the wrap around his ribs he probably had some bruised rips or cracked ribs. His legs were scraped up but other than that they looked okay, which led her eyes upwards to his arms, which caused her to begin to weep. She hadn't been prepared to see the self-mutilation, even though she had been prepared beforehand by the doctor. She had expected a few shallow and superficial cuts, nothing like the lacerations she was seeing in front of her. It looked like he had tried to play X's and O's on himself and she had to stifle the urge to sob when she saw that he had carved what looked like a star with her name in it on the underside of his arm. Both of his wrists were wrapped up in gauze and she assumed that was how he had tried to kill himself, since the other lacerations on his arms had started to scab over and looked as if they'd been there for a few days. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes but she refused to let them spill over, knowing that she didn't deserve the relief that crying would give her.

She deserved to suffer just as much as the boy sleeping in the bed because it was her fault that he was there…and for that, she refused to let herself cry.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN: **So Rachel finally knows what's going on…and she's trying to be strong for Jesse. I thought about having her freak out and be all crazy and crying and a mess but then I realized that she would probably blame herself for everything, and that guilt would make her hold it all inside and try to be strong. To punish herself.

Tell me what you think, your reviews inspire me.


	8. Left Behind

Chapter 8: Left Behind

_All things he ever lived are left behind  
All the fears that ever flickered through his mind  
All the sadness that he'd come to own._

_And, it whistles through the ghosts still left behind  
It whistles through the ghosts still left behind  
It whistles through the ghosts still __**left behind**_

Left Behind – Jonathan Groff & Company (Spring Awakening)

When Finn woke up early that morning he knew that the day was going to suck before he'd even opened his eyes. The sun was streaming in through his bedroom window and he could hear Kurt getting ready around him, but he couldn't muster the energy to roll out of bed and get going. He slammed the pillow over his head and ignored Kurt's protests of indignation. If Kurt was really worried about being late he would just walk later, or catch a ride with Puck or something. He didn't care if he was late to school, it didn't really matter. It was their first day back at McKinley High, and he, Puck, and Quinn along with Mike, Matt, Brittney, and Santana were going to be seniors. Rachel, Mercedes, Kurt, Artie, and Tina were all a year below them but now that they were in 11th grade they would actually have classes together. Finn still couldn't believe that the summer was actually over, the last month had seemed like it would stretch on and last forever.

He had spent most of the days that he wasn't working at Sheets N Things, to pay back Ms. Corcoran for the tires they'd slashed, at the hospital with Quinn and Rachel who were there almost every day. Quinn never let Rachel be alone for more than five minutes at a time, something about worrying about the other girl's sanity. In all honestly, Finn hated being around when the two of them were together because they were always just so depressing, with their sad faces and tear filled eyes. He wasn't good with emotions, so when the girls got particularly emotional he would "go get them coffee", just to escape for a few moments.

It was times like that when he really hated Jesse St. James, for what he had inadvertently done to the two most important girls in his life. Rachel was about 14 weeks pregnant now, and was going for her ultrasound with Quinn in two weeks. She knew it was going to be difficult for her to go without Jesse, it had been horrific the first time, and he was glad that Quinn was going this time instead of him. He'd thought he would be the perfect candidate to go since he'd gone through a few of them with Quinn, but with Rachel it was completely different…and horrible.

"_Hello, Rachel." The OBGYN said with a smile as the two of them entered the room nervously, Finn pressing his entire body against the wall in an effort to not be seen. They were, of course, going to the same OBGYN that Finn had taken Quinn to back when he'd thought that her baby had been his, and he was freakishly paranoid that she would see him and jump to crazy conclusions. He felt like he should almost speak up and tell her that the baby wasn't his, and that the other baby hadn't been his either, until she looked at him and he panicked. He _knew_ that she recognized him, but he kept his mouth shut for Rachel's sake. _

"_Have you been to see a doctor at all yet?" The doctor asked as she ran through the paperwork while Rachel answered all of her questions. They laid her back on the table and started to squirt the gel on her stomach as the OBGYN asked the question that Finn had hoped she wouldn't ask._

"…_and is this the father?"_

_Finn looked at Rachel quickly and knew right away that the OBGYN's question had caused whatever walls Rachel had been hiding behind to come crashing down as she burst into uncontrollable tears. The OBGYN looked frightened and Finn scowled in her direction before saying that, no, he wasn't the father, and that the father wasn't able to be there. After a few minutes he managed to get Rachel calmed down enough to go through with the rest of the examination before the OBGYN asked her the question that Finn had been hoping she wouldn't ask, because he honestly didn't know what Rachel's answer was going to be._

"_Rachel, you're about ten weeks along now…so it's time to make the decision. I am legally obligated to tell you that if you wish to terminate the pregnancy, you have four weeks to do so. We have pamphlets on termination, adoption, and teenage pregnancy that I'm going to get you to read over so that you can make your decision. We'll also schedule you an appointment for your 16 week check up, and if you will no longer be needed the appointment you can call and cancel at any time." Rachel just nodded her head and took the pamphlets before leaving the Doctor's office, Finn following behind._

_She hadn't discussed the pamphlets after that._

He was desperate to ask Quinn what Rachel had decided to do, but he didn't know if that would be considered overstepping his boundaries, especially since it was really none of his business. He really just wanted to be there for his two favorite girls in the best way he possibly could…but he just didn't know how to do it. He'd been trying to be friendly with the two of them the most he could but it was hard, especially when they were both just devastated and full of guilt. He had tried talking to Quinn about it but she couldn't get past the fact that she'd failed him, that he'd felt like he had no one to talk to (including her), and the guilt was really hard on her…especially when she saw him lying in the hospital bed like that.

His hair was growing back now and most of the smaller lacerations were all healed, but other than that he looked smaller and sadder than before. His muscle was all deteriorating and there were frown lines on the side of his face along with almost no change in brain activity.

He wondered if the dude knew Rachel was there, and was pregnant. But you can't talk to someone who is all unresponsive or whatever, so he'd never know

It just sucked.

He managed to get ready in time to get a ride with Kurt, since his van was totaled, and they made it to school a good ten minutes before the first bell was scheduled to ring. He automatically sought out the two girls he'd spent the remainder of the summer with, brow furrowing when only one of them was there. He approached Quinn from behind and put a hand on her shoulder, wincing when she turned around and smacked him on the chest.

"Ow." He said pathetically, rubbing the spot she'd hit.

"Serves you right. I thought you were Puck, once again trying to convince me how 'awesome' we were together. Blah blah, Puckzilla needs some lovin' blah blah." She said with a roll of her eyes as Quinn found himself laughing too. It hadn't taken him awhile but he finally realized that Quinn really didn't have any feelings for Puck, and he was almost okay with the fact that Beth hadn't been his…especially since he didn't have to like look at her everyday or anything.

"I thought Puck was dating someone new?" Finn could remember Puck showing up at his house at 3am a few days ago, claiming that he'd just started dating someone new and that the identity of who it was would blow his mind, but he hadn't seen the other teen since then he was kind of wondering who it was. He was praying to god that it wasn't Rachel, but even Puck wouldn't go there.

"Apparently so, but I've yet to see…" she trailed off, eyes focused somewhere behind him as her jaw dropped. She looked like she'd just seen a ghost so he turned around to look, and found his own face falling the exact same way. Puck was strolling arm in arm down the hallway with none other than _Kurt Hummel _on his arm, and Finn wondered how the fuck that one had happened. He thought maybe it was a joke until he saw the pair stop at Kurt's locker, where Mercedes was staring at them in shock, and he kissed the smaller boy before heading over towards where his former girlfriend and friend stood.

"Puck-a-saurus can switch teams, and he's still a stud." Puck said defiantly, daring either one of them to contradict his statement as they stood there in complete silence, until Quinn burst out laughing.

"Why couldn't you have gone gay last year?" she said hysterically, nearly choking on her giggles. Puck scowled and his opened his mouth to say something but Kurt lacing his arms around his body stopped him mid sentence. He scowled once more and grabbed his new boyfriend by the hand, pulling him down the hall and towards the choir room. He waggled his eyebrows at the pair down the hall and pulled Kurt into the room, slamming the door behind them. Finn burst into laughter at this and the two of them laughed until they couldn't laugh anymore, and then he remembered why he'd headed over this way in the first place.

"Where's Rachel?"

"She decided that she couldn't face school today, but she said she would be back tomorrow." Quinn looked unsure and hesitant, and he couldn't help but wonder why.

"Is she…?"

"Leave it alone, Finn." Quinn said with a sigh, slamming her locker door and taking off down the hallway. Finn watched her go for a few moments before her words clicked in and he realized what she was saying, or not saying. He looked around to see if anyone was watching before he pulled her into the closest janitor's closet and whirled her around to face him, suddenly all too aware of how close her face was to his.

"Is Rachel getting a…?" He struggled to make the words come out of his mouth but he found himself unable to say them, knowing that he didn't really want to know the answer but that his curiosity would never be satisfied until he knew for sure.

"It's none of your business, Finn." She hissed, trying to push past him and make her way out of the janitor's closet. He grasped her by the arm and blocked the exit, determined to get her to tell him the complete truth.

"I need to know. We can't let her ruin her life!"

"Her life is already ruined, Finn. She's pregnant, 16, she's pretty much going though this alone, and the father of her baby is lying in a hospital bed and he might never wake up. Is that not ruined enough for you?" Even through the dark of the closet he could tell that Quinn was scowling at him. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, trying to think clearly in order to make his thoughts come out in a way that wouldn't make Quinn really mad.

"She's not alone…she has us. We can help her?"

"Finn, if I thought that I could raise a baby I would have kept my own." His heart sunk as she said this with such sadness, and it made him wish that he'd never even brought up the conversation. He grasped her shoulder and squeezed tightly, finally realizing how hard this must be on her…especially after having just given up her daughter a few months ago.

"I'm sorry Quinn, about everything."

"It's not your fault. _You _didn't get me pregnant."

"Thanks for the reminder." He said darkly, thinking back to the beautiful baby girl that he'd believed to be his. He could hear Quinn breathe in sharply but the damage had already been done, all he could think about was the little girl he'd never gotten to really have a chance to care for because it had been snatched right from under him. It wasn't fair that Puck got to father the little girl that he'd come to love so much, it should have been him. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed before saying the one thing that he knew would change their relationship forever.

"I would've helped you, you know. If you'd told me the truth from the beginning."

"No you wouldn't." She scoffed, unable to believe that they were seriously having the conversation at hand. "You would've been so mad at me for sleeping with Puck that you would've wanted nothing to do with me, and things would have played out exactly the same way."

"Nuh uh"

"…seriously Finn? That is _so _immature."

"That doesn't change the fact that it's true." He coughed awkwardly and moved closer to her, so that their faces were only inches apart. "I might not be smart or whatever, but you were like…the best thing in my life, you know? I wouldn't have thrown that away if you'd been honest. I mean, I loved you and stuff…that's pretty legit, you know?"

She stared up into his eyes and bit her lip, feeling tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. She didn't know if she really believed him, but the idea of it even being true filled her with so much sadness that she didn't know what to do about it. She wished that she could go back in time, before the pregnancy and all the lies, and tell him the truth so that none of this would have ever happened. She wondered what would have happened if she'd had the baby and still been dating Finn. Would they have tried to raise Beth on their own?

She didn't know, and it hurt to think about it.

"It's too late." She whispered, not sure if she meant about the pregnancy or about them in general.

"It's never too late." And with that, he leaned in and their lips met.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

When Rachel Berry imagined skipping school she always thought back to episodes of Saved by the Bell that she'd watched while growing up, when the kids would blow off class and go to the beach or the diner or whatever. She never imagined that the first time she'd actually skip school would be spent sitting in a doctor's office, impatiently tapping her toe on the floor to the rhythm of her heartbeat. She could feel her resolve weakening with every single second that went by and more than once she had almost walked out, not able to stand the wait any longer. But she knew that she couldn't just walk out, she owed it to herself and to him.

Jesse.

Even just thinking his name made her insides feel like they were on fire, her love for him was so strong. It seemed like it had only intensified in the time since she'd found out she was having his child, and she honestly didn't know what she was going to do if he didn't wake up soon. She knew that some people did wake up from coma's after being in them for awhile, but after over a month with not even one little reaction…she didn't know how much longer she'd be able to sit there and watch him waste away. It was too hard.

It was harder for her especially because she had all the responsibility and none of the control, which affected her more than she let anyone know. Jesse's parents had finally come home from their vacation and had almost immediately disowned their son when they found out how he'd ended up in the hospital. They signed some kind of legal papers that would make him a legal adult and that would make them unofficially not responsible if anything was to happen. Since Jesse was under the age of 18, someone had to be his next of kin in order to make medical decisions and because Rachel was carrying his child, it seemed like she would be the likely choice. However due to her being underage her parents were to be the executors until she turned 18, and she hoped to god that it wouldn't take him that long to wake up.

She didn't think that she could raise their child without him for two whole years, and that was partly why she sat in front of the office door waiting for it to open and for someone to call her name.

"Rachel Berry?"

She stood up and followed the acne-ridden boy into the doctor's office, ignoring the looks that the boy was sending her way. That was what she hated about doctor's offices; there was usually at least one medical intern that takes it upon themselves to perve on every single patient of their particular persuasion that comes in. He could only assume that this boy was the same, and she honestly wasn't in the mood for it. She slammed the door shut with more force than she'd intended and entered the room, sitting in the chair that she was directed towards.

"My name is Dr. Everett." The doctor said kindly, looking her over with a sympathetic glint in his eye. She knew that he was judging her but she found that she didn't care all that much, she just wanted to get the session over with.

"Rachel Berry." She said politely, not wanting to come across as a rude and unruly teenager. She automatically thought of the teenage girls who went on shows like Maury Pauvich and Jerry Springer, the ones no one was surprised that had gotten pregnant. She was not one of those girls, and she wanted to ensure that the doctor was aware of that fact.

"Hello Rachel." He said kindly, although his smile did not reach his eyes. "According to your chart it says that you are about 14 weeks pregnant, and that you wished to receive a pre-termination counseling session?" She nodded and he frowned slightly before going back through his records, wondering if he was missing something.

"It says here that your parents are both involved with the pregnancy and have expressed interest in keeping the baby or adoption, can I ask why you've decided to terminate the pregnancy?"

"I…" She trailed off, not sure where to start as she felt the tears building in her eyes. She lowered her gaze to her feet and took a few deep breaths to reclaim her sanity and confidence before looking back up.

"I love this baby, and his or her father. However, I just don't think that at my 16 years of age I will be able to properly look after him or her."

"Have you considered looking into adoption?"

"Of course I have." She snapped, brows furrowing in anger. "I'm a vegan, I don't relish in the prospect of terminating an entity. It's just that every time I think about this baby I think about him, and it's getting too hard. I need to be there for him, and the baby will just…it will just make things worse." She refused to cry and she could tell that the Doctor was going to need more information so she took a deep breath and prepared herself; for she knew that she was going to have to tell him everything.

"Well you see," she started, launching into the tale. "It started a few months ago when I met the father, Jesse, at the music store. He and I had this instant musical connection and we started to date, and then when I realized that I wasn't ready to commit to the relationship fully because he was on the opposing team my birth mother—"

"Whoa, Rachel. I think you need to back track a little bit…the opposing team?"

"Oh. Well, as the lead vocalist for our glee club, it was suspicious when the lead vocalist from the opposing glee club expressed interest in me. The other glee club members were very untrusting of the liaison, but when Jesse transferred to our school and joined our glee club they started to slowly come to accept him. I didn't know it at the time but my birth mother who I had never known was working at the school that Jesse went to and she convinced him to help me find out the truth about her because she signed a contract saying that she couldn't find me, and he agreed because he could lose his scholarship to UCLA if he didn't agree. So he went to our school and we were the new power couple of McKinley until the Run Joey Run debacle which caused him to reevaluate our relationship. We eventually got back together until he helped me find my birth mother, told my mother that he really liked me, and was forced to transfer back to Carmel High. He was also forced to do a lot of horrible things in order to have the glee club sort of take him back, and he did some horrible things to me and then they won and it was even worse. I went away to New York to stay with my Aunt but before I left Shelby, that's my mom by the way, called to tell me the entire story and how Jesse wasn't really a bad guy. I knew the truth but I wasn't ready to take him back yet so I hid…and let him think that I was done with him and had moved on." She had to take a couple deep breaths before continuing, because this was where the story got more complicated and emotional.

"…but Jesse thought that I wanted nothing to do with them, and that and a few other personal issues caused him to go into a tail spin that resulted in many negative things that have landed him in the hospital in a coma, where he has been for the past month. You see, when I think of this baby, all I can think about is the pain that I've caused and it can't be good for anyone involved. I'm afraid that when Jesse wakes up and sees that there is a baby he will either want nothing to do with it, or it will cause him to tailspin worse than he already has…and I just can't deal with that."

She was crying quietly at this point and Dr. Everett was looking at her seriously, scribbling things down on his clipboard while she tried to compose herself the best she could.

"I need a few more details if I'm going to be able to help you, Rachel. Why do you think that Jesse will tail spin when he realizes that there is a baby involved?"

"He got it in his head that he had no one that needed him, that wanted him…and that was why he did what he did. I think that if he knew that there had been someone that needed him and depended on him that he would fall apart from the guilt. Or he'd think that the only reason people were around him was because of the baby, and then he'd resent it. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have, and that's why I can't go through with the p-pregnancy."

"Rachel, I'm going to be frank with you because I think you can handle it. Your baby, the life growing inside of you, is more important than any high school drama going on in your life. You're teenagers and I understand that every little problem seems like the end of the world, but you need to give people more credit. You and Jesse will work through your problems and you'll realize how ridiculous it was to ever consider terminating the pregnancy; you'll see. Now once Jesse wakes up you will both apologize and realize how ridiculous you were being and you will raise your baby to the best of your ability. Just don't make a rash decision that you're going to regret, because there is no do-over button if you change your mind."

"You don't even know me." She shouted, feeling the anger rushing through her veins. "You have no idea what kind of problems I have, and don't try to pretend like you do."

"I'd understand if you told me." He said patiently.

"My ex-boyfriend, the father of my _child_, has been drinking himself to death, doing _heroin_, and self-harming in an attempt to forget that we were ever together and that I rejected him. He has serious abandonment issues, and I know when he wakes up he's going to assume that I'm only back because of the baby, and I can't have that. I need him to know that I want him and that I love him, and he will _never_ believe me because his head is so fucked up from all of the shit his parents have fed him his entire life on how he isn't good enough, isn't smart enough, or just isn't _enough_. He believes that, and I can't change that…I don't know how. So don't try to tell me that my problems are immature, because you have no idea the kind of shit that I have to deal with right now." She stormed out of the clinic and barley managed to make it out the doors and into the fresh cool air before bursting out into tears. She dropped onto the bench outside of the clinic and put her head in her hands, crying unrelentlessly.

She cried for the baby inside of her that she loved…but couldn't have.

She cried for Jesse, trapped inside of his own body convinced that he had nothing worth living for.

She cried for the parents who had failed their son.

She cried for anyone who'd ever had to make a decision so difficult…and then she stopped.

She had an appointment to keep.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN: **So that's that! I still haven't decided if I'm going to have Rachel terminate the pregnancy or not…so tell me what you think Rachel would do. I have a loose idea as to where the rest of the story is going to go, but it all comes down to whether or not Rachel decides to keep her baby. Another thing, will Jesse even wake up? Will he be happy to see Rachel if he does? Review and you will find out!


	9. With Arms Wide Open

Chapter 9: With Open Arms

_Will you scream  
When your alone?  
Even the beautiful lose control  
Will you scream  
When your alone?_

Even a miracle happens to slow  
I can't explain my bad behavior  
But baby your my savior  
And I dont wanna end up alone

Will you scream  
When let go?  
Cause even the beautiful  
The beautiful lose control

Quinn wasn't sure what made her do it, but when Finn leaned in and kissed her she found herself kissing him back even though she knew that it couldn't lead to anything good for either one of them. No matter what he said, the fact of the mattter was still going to be that she loved him more than she'd ever loved anyone. She honestly couldn't believe that he'd kissed her, especially after everything that had happened between them in the past few months. With the truth about Beth being revealed, she found it very unlikely that Finn would ever talk to her again let alone ever want to be with her. Before she knew what was happening his hands had ridden up on her and were sliding under his shirt, as he continued to kiss her passionately. She knew that she should push him away, that this was what had gotten her in trouble in the first place, but it felt so good and she didn't want to scare him off so she let it happen. She let out a tiny squeak as his hands ran over her bra as their bodies seemed to get closer and she could feel the heat radiating from his body. She felt her mind starting to glaze over as she let the passion take her over, but she was jolted out of her thoughts when the door to the closet swung open. She and Finn instantly sprung apart as she struggled to right her shirt, as the person in the door way burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"This is quite the spectacle." Kurt Hummel said with a laugh, looking at the two frazzled teenagers in front of him, blushing furiously. "I wish I had a camera. Oh wait, I do." Before either one of them had a chance to move, a flash went off, and Kurt was gone. Finn sprung forwards, probably to go chase him and delete the picture, but she held him back.

"It's Kurt, he'd never do anything with it." Finn nodded at her logic and seemed to calm down, righting himself before taking her hand and leading her out of the closet. When they exited she could feel people staring at them but she found that she didn't care, because his hand was still entwined with hers as they walked down the hallway. It finally felt as if she was right where she belonged, and she hoped that feeling would never go away.

The day seemed to pass by so slowly until finally it was time for glee, and Quinn wondered what it would be like when they went in there. None of the other glee kids knew about the Jesse and Rachel situation, and there was going to be a lot of questions asked about the whereabouts of Rachel because everyone knew that there was no way she would willingly miss the first day of glee in the school year. She was usually up in front of everyone giving a speech about how they needed to be dedicated and what not to place at sectionals, and it was unheard of for her to not go to glee…no matter how sick she was.

Quinn knew that questions would be asked…but she didn't know if it was really any of her business to answer them. It was Rachel's decision whether or not she wanted to tell people about the baby, and it would be wrong of her to tell the glee kids anything without Rachel's permission. She was saved from having to think too much on the subject because when they walked in the choir room Rachel was already there, sitting in the back row by herself. Quinn could feel everyone's eyes on her as she passed by her usual seat next to Mercedes and Kurt and went to sit down next to Rachel, giving the girl a supportive pat on the knee. Rachel turned towards her and gave her a watery smile, and it was everything Quinn could do to not burst into tears. She knew that something was really wrong with Rachel but she knew that she couldn't say anything in glee or they would both break down and everyone would find out. She was saved from having to say anything when Finn raced into the room, a good two seconds before the bell rang, and fell into the chair next to her. Everyone looked really shocked at this, but they were still too preoccupied with Kurt and Puck being some sort of a couple that they overlooked it. Apparently everyone had changed over the summer, and they were all completely different people now.

"Hey guys." Mr. Schue said with a smile as he ran into the room, high fiving all the glee kids in the front row. He was holding a pile of sheet music in his arms and as he started to pass it out, Quinn felt all the blood drain from his face.

"I know that some of the guys wanted to start doing some more 'guy music' so I picked a song by Creed, which I think you're all going to like. It's got a bunch of versus so we'll be able to split it up and do some harmonies, as a sort of a warm up. Rachel, I'm going to get you take the lead with Finn, and Puck I'm going to get you to sing with Quinn on the second verse."

Quinn wondered if Will was physic, or suicidal…cuz he couldn't have picked a worse song for them to sing. As the music started playing, Quinn squared her shoulders and hoped to god that this stupid song wouldn't mess up everything that had just recently been fixed.

___Well I just heard the news today  
It seems my life is going to change  
I closed my eyes, begin to pray  
Then tears of joy stream down my face  
_

Finn sang the words slowly, as he refused to look anywhere but at Rachel, who he was supposed to be singing to. He knew that this song was really cruel for her, but Mr. Schue hadn't known so there was no way it was intentional.

_With arms wide open  
Under the sunlight  
Welcome to this place  
I'll show you everything  
With arms wide open  
With arms wide open _

He felt totally bad for Rachel, who was looking all crushed when they sang the chorus together. She looked like she was barely holding it all together, and he hoped that she wouldn't break into tears in the middle of the song. Crying girls were hard to deal with, and he knew that he would probably have to be the one to comfort her.__

Well I don't know if I'm ready  
To be the man I have to be  
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side  
We stand in awe, we've created life  


As Puck sang the lyrics he couldn't help but feel some kind of kinship with his ex-girlfriend and the baby that they'd left behind. He knew that Quinn still had contact with Beth and even though he'd called Shelby a few times, he hadn't been to see her. He knew it would be impossibly hard and he didn't know if he's be able to look at her, hold her, and be able to walk away. Kurt was making the pain easier, but it was still really hard to even be in the same room with Quinn without thinking about the baby girl they'd had to give up.

_With arms wide open  
Under the sunlight  
Welcome to this place  
I'll show you everything  
With arms wide open  
Now everything has changed  
I'll show you love  
I'll show you everything  
With arms wide open  
With arms wide open  
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah  
With arms wide open..wide open_

While Quinn sang along with Puck she realized that although they would always share a bond because of their daughter, there were no sparks or emotions left between them at all, and she was thankful for that. It gave her more peace of mind while trying to fix things with Finn, that no one would be left behind or hurt because of her love for him. She loved Noah in a non-sexual way, and she would hate for him to be angry with her for going back to Finn. They might have created another being together and they may love each other, but they were not and had never been in love with each other.

_If I had just one wish  
Only one demand  
I hope he's not like me  
I hope he understands  
That he can take this life  
And hold it by the hand  
And he can greet the world  
With arms wide open... _

Rachel belted out her solo and refused to allow the tears welling up in her eyes to fall, because she knew that if she did she would never be able to stop. She had wanted to protest when Mr. Schue had presented the song but she hadn't wanted to draw any attention to herself, and she could tell that Mr. Schue was obviously regretting his decision from the look of horror on his face. She knew that he had probably only picked the song because it was one of Creed's biggest hits and Creed was a guy band, but for once in her life she wished he could have picked a more ambiguous song…because this was just torture.__

With arms wide open  
Under the sunlight  
Welcome to this place  
I'll show you everything  
With arms wide open  
Now everything has changed  
I'll show you love  
I'll show you everything  
With arms wide open  
With arms wide open  
I'll show you everything..oh yeah  
With arms wide open...wide open

The rest of the glee club sang along to the rest of the song as the four soloists swayed together to the music, all four of their minds racing with thoughts. The rest of the glee members got up out of their seats and started to sway with them. Brittney and Santana were together, Mike was with Tina, Artie rolled over to Rachel, Kurt went straight to Puck and launched himself into his arms, Mercedes claimed Matt, and Finn headed straight to Quinn, picking her up in his arms and twirling her around as the music crawled to an end. At the end of the song all the glee members were looking at each other with small smiles on their faces, knowing that the song had helped them all heal from the tribulations of the past year. Everyone was smiling and happy but Rachel, who ran from the choir room before she would have the chance to burst out into tears. Everyone looked at each other in confusion before Quinn volunteered to go after her, pulling Finn along with her. She knew that Rachel wasn't going to be able to go back into the choir room, and that the two of them would have to take her home.

"Rachel?" Quinn called out hesitantly, poking her head into the girls' bathroom. She heard a muffled cry in confirmation so she entered the washroom, opening up the stall to see Rachel Berry curled up on top of the toiler crying into her hands. Quinn pulled the other girl into a hug and held her as she cried, telling her that everything would be okay. She knew that Rachel had made appointments for the consultation and the termination today, and she wondered what Rachel's tears were indications of. Had she terminated the pregnancy and she was crying because of the life that would never get to be? Had she decided to keep the baby and was crying because the song was about children and she was having one with a guy in a coma? She didn't know…and she was afraid to ask. She tried to get the girl to talk but she was starting to shut down, and Quinn knew they had to get her out of there before she cracked. She helped the other girl to her feet and led her out of the bathroom, telling Finn to go back to the choir room and tell Will that they were taking her home. Finn went and did as he was told before meeting them in the parking lot, helping Rachel get into Quinn's care. After Finn slid into the passenger seat Quinn started up the car and pulled out of the parking lot, heading towards her own house instead of the Berry household. She knew that the second they brought Rachel home, her dad's were going to freak out and ask a bunch of questions and she didn't think that Rachel was quite ready for that. She knew that her own mother wouldn't be home because she was never home, so it would be a safe place to take the other girl.

They pulled up outside the house and piled out of the car, almost pushing Rachel inside. Quinn was worried about the unresponsive teenager but she hoped that getting her inside would make her snap out of it, and she was relieved that her theory proved to be true. Rachel sat down on the couch and seemed to be staring at the wall until Finn and Quinn sat down on the couch beside her and she seemed to snap out of it. She was practically hyperventilating and Quinn had to tell her multiple times to calm down before she seemed to understand and calm down.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, not looking up from her shoes. Quinn and Finn exchanged a questioning look before the girl continued on, shocking the two of them into silence.

"I couldn't terminate the pregnancy. It was naïve to even think I could…it's a _life_."

"Oh, Rachel…" Quinn said sadly, enveloping the younger girl in a hug as she started to sob these devastatingly heartbreaking sobs.

"I c-couldn't k-kill the o-only thing I h-had left to r-remind m-me of J-Jesse." She cried out hysterically, sobbing into Quinn's shoulder as the sobs overtook her. "W-what if he d-died? I w-wanted s-something to e-ensure that I al-always have a p-p-part of him…" At this point her sobs became so uncontrollable that Quinn wasn't sure what she was saying, so she rubbed her back and tried to comfort her the best she could until her sobs became slightly less hysterical and it was possible to hear what she was saying.

"I went to the clinic after the consultation. I sat there and waited for them to call my name for an hour, but then when they did I couldn't even move. They called my name three times but it was like I couldn't move, couldn't speak. I could barely breathe! I just sat there and eventually they moved on to someone else. When I went to stand up it felt like my heart was going to burst through my chest, it just felt so _wrong. _Then I t-thought about Jesse and what would happen to him if he ever found out I k-killed his baby…he'd n-never f-forgive m-me."

"He would have understood, Rachel." Finn said, speaking up for the first time. "He would have, because he loves you." Quinn knew that he was trying to console Rachel, but she couldn't help but feel like he was saying it to her too. That he would be there for her no matter what too, no matter what had happened in the past.

"Thank you, your help has been very much appreciated." Rachel said weakly, untangling herself from Quinn's embrace as she wiped her tears away. "It was nice having such good friends."

"…was?" Finn asked in confusion, wondering what she was talking about.

"Well, now that Quinn is no longer pregnant and that the two of you are friendly again, it will be apparent that your cool factors have risen and you will rise back to the top of the McKinley High regime. Being friends with me would jeopardize this and I don't expect you to give up popularity for someone such as myself."

"Don't ever say that, Rachel." Quinn spat, rage flooding through her. "How can you think so little of me, after everything I went through last year? Cheerio Quinn is gone, and I have no desire to have any of those people who claimed they were my friends back. When I needed them they all turned their backs on me, because it would bring them down. I don't need people like that in my life, all I need is people that care about me and want what's best for me. Same with you, so I refuse to let you cast us away. You're stuck with us, Berry." She grasped Rachel's hand tightly with her own and she felt Finn grab the other hand, as they consoled the poor girl whose life was falling apart right in front of them.

**AN:** I know, not as long, but I've been really busy with packing and what not as I'm moving in a less than 2 weeks! Expect longer chapters after this one, because the action is finally starting to unfold. In the next chapter: Sex galore. Someone has sex, Rachel finds out the sex, sex complicates a few lives, and someone's sex life is exposed to the whole school…how does this affect our gleeks?


	10. Whispering

Chapter Ten: Whispering Airplanes

_Can we pretend that airplanes  
In the night sky  
Are like shooting stars  
I could really use a __**wish right now**__  
Wish right now, wish right now  
Can we pretend that airplanes  
In the night sky  
Are like shooting stars  
I could really use a wish right now  
Wish right now, Wish right now_

**AN: **This chapter contains a sex scene, which I've never really written before, so**…yeah. **

After that first disastrous day, Rachel went back to school and tried to act as if nothing had changed…except that it all had. She stopped wearing her sweaters and the skirts with the knee socks and found herself borrowing the maternity wear that Quinn had worn during her pregnancy, thankful that no one in glee was smart enough to remember fashion decisions besides Kurt. She figured that Kurt would have picked it up right away, and she was thankful that Quinn had managed to run damage control for her. Between her and Puck they had been able to convince Kurt to keep his mouth shut, even to Mercedes, and so the secret was safe for the time being. She knew that it was going to be hard to hide soon, especially since she was about four months pregnant and starting to show. She was worried about how the rest of the club, let alone the whole school, was going to think about her when she revealed that she was pregnant. It was going to happen soon, she was sure of it, but for the time being she was content to remain in a contended state of blissful ignorance, hoping that she could act like her normal self for as long as possible. She'd only had a few fat comments thrown her way, most from Karofsky, but she found that she didn't care all that much especially when she saw him walking into school the next day with a split lip and a black eye, probably courtesy of Finn or Puck, who had started to become her protectors. The five of them; Kurt, Puck, Quinn, Finn, and Rachel, had started walking through the halls together as an entity in order to protect themselves from the slushy facials that people wanted to throw in their faces. So far there had only been once slushy thrown in her face and the wrath of Puck had convinced the guys from the hockey team that it probably wouldn't be a wise decision to attempt to do it again.

So life was going as smoothly as possible, well as smoothly as it could possibly go with the man she loved lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. She went to see him in the hospital every day after school but it was starting to get harder and harder, trying to watch him lay there without bursting out into tears. She found it impossible to believe that she was going to be giving birth to a baby in five months, and that Jesse might not be there to witness it. The doctor's seemed to be quite pessimistic when it came to his recovery, suggesting that they pull the plug on him as he was medically considered unresponsive. Rachel had screamed bloody murder when they had suggested it and they had yet to bring it up in front of her again, but whenever she saw her father's talking to the doctor's she couldn't help but worry about what would happen someday when her father's were given a choice and she wasn't there to see what happened. She knew that her father's would never do something that serious without consulting her, but it worried everyday while she went to school that something could be happening to Jesse and that she'd never know about it until it was too late.

She had planned to go to the hospital after school but had completely forgotten that she had a doctor's appointment. She was panicking because she didn't want to go alone, and Quinn had come down with the flu and hadn't been at school for the past three days. She definitely couldn't go with Finn again, after the disaster last time, and she was resolved to go alone until she felt someone come up alongside her.

"I heard you had an appointment…need someone to go with you?" She looked up into the eyes of Noah Puckerman and gave him a strange look. He had been really nice to her lately but something of this magnitude was still very out of character, and she wondered why he was offering. As if reading her mind, he wrung his hands and looked at her sheepishly before admitting that he'd never got to go to any appointments with Quinn when she had been pregnant with Quinn and he wanted to know what it would have been like. Feeling tears pool in her eyes, damn hormones!, Rachel agreed and followed Puck to his truck.

Neither one of them was aware of a pair of eyes following them longingly.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Quinn woke up and cursed when she saw what time it was, hoping that she wasn't too late to get a hold of Rachel before her appointment. She'd been feeling off all week but honestly that wasn't why she wasn't at school, she was just afraid that when she went back Finn would decide that he didn't want to be with her and that their kiss and hand holding from before had been just a fluke. She had been so paranoid about it that she'd literally worried herself sick, a thought that made her giggle a little bit about how ridiculous it really was. She called Rachel's phone and was relieved to hear that she had found someone else to accompany her, even if it was Puck. This made her feel guiltier than she probably should, considering she'd never once asked him to go to any appointments with her, but there was no point dwelling on it. The past was the past, and it couldn't be changed. Her phone vibrated in her hand and she smiled when she saw that she had a new text from Finn. He had been texting her throughout her entire "illness", but with him you never know if a message is intended to be friendly or flirty and she had been afraid to read too much into it.

"I'm coming over"

She jumped out of bed and started to mildly panic, realizing that her room was in complete disarray from the three days she'd been home in bed. She needed a shower, badly, and there were clothes covering pretty much every available surface in her room. She jumped in the shower and had what was quite possibly the quickest shower in the history of the world, and rushed into her room where she threw pretty much everything on the floor under the bed. She was about to change into some clean clothes when she heard the door open and swing closed, causing her to freeze. She was standing in the middle of her room wrapped in a towel and she knew that she didn't have time to even contemplate getting changed because not even a full minute later Finn was standing in her doorway.

"Hey Quinn, I—whoa."

"Hi" She squeaked, clutching the towel against her body as tightly as she could. Even though they had dated before, they'd never gone anywhere close to having him see her practically naked. She'd pretty much always been fully clothed except that time in the hot tub, and that didn't really count since she was wearing a bikini. She could feel his eyes on her body and she instinctively pulled the towel closer, not realizing that it was causing the towel to ride up on her thigh. Finn looked like he was about to pass out as he came in the room and closed the door behind him, walking up to her. He was right in front of her and she wondered what he was doing until he leaned in and kissed her, and she instinctively reciprocated. Before she realized what was happening, their bodies were molded together and she was winding her fingers in his hair as they kissed, completely oblivious to the fact that now that she wasn't holding the towel up with her hands, any sudden movement would cause it to come down. Before she knew what was really happening they had fallen on her bed and her towel had slipped down dangerously to almost reveal her breasts. She looked up at him shyly and slowly inched the towel down, leaving her breasts exposed as he stared at them in fascination. He had seen breasts before, but they had never looked so good.

He lowered his mouth and kissed each one softly before kissing her on the mouth again. He took his shirt off and went to undo his belt button when she reached for his hand and stopped him.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" She asked quietly, knowing that his answer would change everything.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"I mean, with me…after everything. I know I was a horrible girlfriend before but…I want to be different this time. I want us to be different."

"So do I" He said with a smile, kissing her on the lips and removing the towel from her body. He admired her body in fascination, amazed at how well she'd recovered her figure after having the baby, and tried his best to think about the mail man as her hands reached down to his pants and removed them, along with his boxers.

"I love you." He whispered quietly, as he hovered over her, preparing for the moment he'd been waiting so long for.

"I love you too." Her whispered I love you turned into a moan as he started to thrust into her, and she couldn't help but note that, even though inexperienced, having sex with him was so much better than with Noah.

She could get used to this.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Due to the success of New Directions' invitational last year, Will decided that it would be a good idea to have another one, advertising the fact that they'd placed at Sectionals and had gone on to Regional's the year before. Rachel didn't know if they actually would get any new members, but when Mr. Schue asked her to prepare a solo for the invitational she jumped at the chance to show case her voice, giving her something to focus on that didn't revolve around Jesse or her pregnancy. She was still in complete shock from the ultrasound the day before, and she hadn't told anyone what the doctor had told her besides Puck who had been there with her.

The doctor had led her into the room and gone through the standard procedure, telling her that they would be able to hear the heartbeat and determine the gender of the baby.

Imagine her surprise when the doctor had heard three heartbeats.

She was sixteen…and having twins. It was almost like god was laughing at her, because having twins had been one of her lifelong ambitions. She had always wanted to have a twin boy and girl, naming them after the title characters in Spring Awakening. However, she'd always thought that she would be married with multiple Tony's under her belt before that time came. She wanted to fall down and cry when the doctor told her that she was carrying a boy and a girl, but all she could do was smile happily at the picture on the ultrasound. While it was devastating and completely terrifying, she was still proud of her babies.

Puck on the other hand, thought she was insane. He seemed to think that having twins was the worst thing in the world, while Rachel completely disagreed. A good thing about twins was that even if they were alone in life, they would always be able to depend on each other. She knew the instant the doctor told her that they were going to be twins that they were going to be extraordinary, and she was thankful that she had gone with her instant to not abort the babies. She couldn't imagine what would have happened if they'd gone to abort the babies, and revealed after the fact that she'd been carrying twins…or if they'd done the abortion and terminated one baby, leaving the other to remain living without his twin. These thoughts made tears gather in her eyes and she pushed them away, readying herself to perform her selection for the invitational in front of the club. The invitational was in four days and Mr. Schue wanted to review all of the numbers before solidifying on them, to ensure that the "Push it" debacle would not be reoccurring.

"Fellow glee clubbers, I have decided to sing the song "Whispering" from the colossal Broadway musical Spring Awakening. I feel that it shows the emotional depth of my vocal range, and I hope you agree."

She took a deep breath as Brad began to play the opening notes to the song.

_Whispering  
Here the ghosts in the moonlight  
Sorrow doing a new dance  
Through their bone, through their skin_

She figured her song choice would be a safe one, because no one in glee club would know the musical well enough to know that it was bout pregnancy, and uncertainty.

_Listening  
To the souls in the fool's night  
Fumbling mutely with their rude hands  
And there's heartache without end_

She couldn't help but notice how the song made her think about Jesse, and she wished that he could be there to hear her sing the song in front of the school.

_See the father bent in grief  
The mother dressed in mourning  
Sister crumbles, and the neighbors grumble  
The preacher issues warnings_

He would be so proud.  
_  
History  
Little miss didn't do right  
Went and ruined all the true plans  
Such a shame. Such a sin._

She thought of her parents, who did their best to be supportive yet were still disappointed with her. They may not have kicked her out but they still weren't happy about the fact that their daughter, destined for greatness, may have just thrown it all away.

_Mystery  
Home alone on a school night  
Harvest moon over the blue land  
Summer longing on the wind  
_

She still planned on being a star, no matter how difficult it may be.

_Had a sweetheart on his knees  
So faithful and adoring  
And he touched me. And I let him love me.  
So let that be my story_

She felt the tears pooling in her eyes as she thought of Jesse, and the night that they'd consummated her love. She'd known right then that he was the love of her life and that it had been a good thing, and she wished so much that things had turned out differently…that she hadn't been afraid. She wished she would have trusted him, trusted them, more.

_Listening  
For the hope, for the new life  
Something beautiful, a new chance  
Hear its whispering  
There again_

Everyone applauded as the song came to an end, and she could've sworn that she saw Kurt and Puck wipe some tears away from their eyes. Everyone was smiling at her and she felt really good about her selection…until she turned to look at Mr. Schuster who was staring at her in horror. She realized then that she'd underestimated the choir director; he had obviously seen Spring Awakening before. He gave her a look that clearly read "See me after Class" and she nodded in his direction before walking over to the rest of her glee club members who were standing up and getting ready to run through their second number for sectionals. They were doing a mash up of "Love the Way you Lie" by Eminem and Rihanna, and "Airplanes" by B.o.B. The songs generally wouldn't have been ones she would have picked, but she couldn't disagree that they fit well together. They had decided to do a more theatrical version of the song, and had orchestrated a mini story into the number, and Rachel had to admit that it was really clever and she liked it a lot.

_Can we pretend that airplanes  
In the night sky  
Are like shooting stars  
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)  
Can we pretend that airplanes  
In the night sky  
Are like shooting stars  
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)  
_  
Rachel took the solo on the first chorus of Airplanes, with the girls and Kurt singing back up. They were standing in groups opposite each other, gender facing gender, as the song crescendo'd into the BoB rap part.

_Yeah  
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish  
To go back to a place much simpler than this  
Cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and crashin'  
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion_

Finn sang the rap to Quinn, who "acted" like she wasn't into it, and looked away from him while secretly turning around to look at him when he looked away.

_And all the pandemonium and all the madness  
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness  
And when you're staring at that phone in your lap  
And you hoping but them people never call you back_

Puck rapped this part to Rachel, who pretended to be completely engrossed with him. She was supposed to play the role of the girl completely in love with the bad boy who didn't want her, yet she still wanted. He approached her and grabbed her hand in his, spinning her around and pulling her over towards the boy's side. 

_I can't tell you what it really is  
I can only tell you what it feels like  
And right now there's a steel knife  
In my windpipe  
I can't breathe  
But I still fight  
While I can fight  
As long as the wrong feels right_

Artie sang this part to Tina, who was supposed to play the role of someone who's been wronged by love so many times that she doesn't know how to trust. So when he sings "As long as the wrong feels right" she tries to pull away but he holds her there and drags her to the boy's side and into his lap.

_It's like I'm in flight  
High of a love  
Drunk from the hate  
It's like I'm huffing paint  
And I love it the more that I suffer  
I suffocate  
And right before I'm about to drown  
She resuscitates me  
She really hates me  
And I love it  
_  
This part was the more angst-y part of the song, and Mr. Schue had boldly decided to have Santana sing it to Brittney. Brittney was supposed to be the abused woman in the song, and when Santana says "She really hates me" she grabs Brittney by the arms and kind of shakes her as Brittney tries to force her off. The song is definitely really dark but he thinks that the added violence will attract some of the males to the club. Santa and Brittney stay on the girl side and sidle up to each other, interlocking hands. 

_But that's just how the story unfolds  
You get another hand soon after you fold  
And when your plans unravel  
And they sayin' what would you wish for  
If you had one chance  
So airplane airplane sorry I'm late  
I'm on my way so don't close that gate  
If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight  
And I'll be right back at it by the end of the night_

Mike and Matt sang this part to each other, basically looking nonchalant before bursting out into some awesome dance moves that would put Michael Jackson to shame. They dance their way over to the girl's side behind Santana and Brittney, pretending to be interested in watching the two hold hands.

_Just gonna stand there  
And watch me burn  
But that's alright  
Because I like  
The way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there  
And hear me cry  
But that's alright  
Because I love  
The way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
_  
Mercedes took this part as her own, belting out the lyrics to a oblivious Puck, who is trying to get Rachel to kiss him. Rachel is pushing him away as he almost forces himself on her, causing Mercedes to sing about how it hurts. She's in love with Puck, but can't be with him. She watches Puck longingly as he twirls Rachel, and stays where she is.

_Somebody take me back to the days  
Before this was a job, before I got paid  
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank  
Yeah back when I was tryin' to get into the subway  
So can I get a wish to end the politics  
And get back to the music that started this sh-t  
So here I stand and then again I say  
I'm hopin' we can make some wishes outta airplanes_

This was Kurt's solo, and he sang it towards the audience, holding up an empty wallet, and singing about his the business had let him down. He's also holding a gun in his hand, unloaded of course, as if he can't decide whether to end his life or keep trying. He stays on the girl side.

_You ever love somebody so much  
You can barely breathe  
When you're with them  
You meet  
And neither one of you  
Even know what hit 'em  
Got that warm fuzzy feeling  
Yeah them chills  
Used to get 'em  
Now you're getting sick  
Of looking at 'em_

Finn angrily sings this part to Quinn as they meet in the middle, and he drags her as she protests into the boy's section of the group.

_You swore you've never hit 'em  
Never do nothing to hurt 'em  
Now you're in each other's face  
Spewing venom  
And these words  
When you spit 'em  
You push  
Pull each other's hair  
Scratch, claw, bit 'em  
Throw 'em down  
Pin 'em  
So lost in the moments  
When you're in 'em_

Quinn sings this part to Finn as they have a play fight, clawing and fake hits and kicks until she sings the last line, and he knocks her to the ground.

_So they say it's best  
To go your separate ways  
Guess that they don't know ya  
Cause today  
That was yesterday  
Yesterday is over  
It's a different day  
But you promised her  
Next time you'll show restraint  
You don't get another chance  
Life is no Nintendo game  
But you lied again  
Now you get to watch her leave  
Out the window  
Guess that's why they call it window pane_

Rachel sexily stalks around Puck, grabbing him by the face as she sings the last few lines. She looks between Mercedes and Puck, as if she knows what happened and fake punches him and he goes down as she sings the last line.

_Just gonna stand there  
And watch me burn  
But that's alright  
Because I like  
The way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there  
And hear me cry  
But that's alright  
Because I love  
The way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie_

All the girls sing this part, to the boys that wronged them.

_Can we pretend that airplanes  
In the night sky  
Are like shooting stars  
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)  
Can we pretend that airplanes  
In the night sky  
Are like shooting stars  
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now) _

All the boys, and Santana and Brittney, sing this part together until the last line that Brittney sings alone. Santana seems mad and tries to leave, but Brittney grabs her by the arm.

_I'm tired of the games  
I just want her back  
I know I'm a liar  
If she ever tries to leave again  
I'mma tie her to the bed  
And set the house on fire_

Santana tries to get away, and all the girls end up back on their original side, minus Santana.

_Just gonna stand there and watch me burn (can you pretend that airplanes)  
but that's alright because I like the way it hurts (in the night sky)  
just gonna stand there and here me cry (are like shooting stars)  
but that's allright because I love the way you lie (I could really use a)  
love the way you lie (wish right now) _

The girls sing the chorus and the boys echo with the lines from airplanes.

_Can you pretend that airplanes (love the way it hurts)  
in the night sky, are like shooting stars (love the way you lie)  
I could really use a wish right now (hear me cry)_

They switch and the boys sing the original chorus, and the girls echo with the lines from Love The Way You Lie.

_I could really use a wish right now…because I love the way you lie_.

Rachel, Quinn, Kurt, Tina, Brittney, and Mercedes all step away from the group holding hands as they sing the last lines, as the rest of the group come up from behind them and wrap their arms around one of the people in the front row. Mike and Matt stand in the pack, facing away from the group, with scowls on their faces. The girls are supposed to look angry yet relenting, and the boys and Santana look like they've won.

Mr. Schue is clapping enthusiastically at this point and the entire glee club is pumped after their performance, knowing that is really entertaining and fun. Rachel wonders if it will bring in any new recruits, and she decides that even if it doesn't…she's glad that they're going to be performing those numbers. Glee is over much too soon for Rachel's liking, and she tries to escape without having to take to Mr. Schue but he catches her on her way out the door.

"Rachel, can we talk in my office for a minute?" She nods, knowing that there's no way to get out of it, and follows him as he walks into the small room off of the music room. She wrinkles her nose as they enter the room; it was small and smelled faintly of cats and moth balls. He shrugged when he saw her distaste and he motioned for her to sit down, which she did reluctantly. They sat there in silence before he finally spoke up, shocking her into silence.

"Rachel, were you aware that your song was about teenage pregnancy? I find that it was very distasteful, especially given the events of last year."

"Mr. Schue, I didn't pick the song because of Quinn's pregnancy…I just like it, that's all." She said half heartedly, knowing that he would never believe her. She didn't want him to know about the pregnancy just yet, but she didn't want him to think that she was trying to be mean to Quinn by selecting the song.

"Are you sure, Rachel?"

"Yes. I'm sure."

"With that said, I'm sure you can understand why I can't allow you to sing that at the invitational."

"What? Why?" She cried, refusing to believe that this was happening. She had picked that song because of the emotional attachment she had to it, and there was no way she was giving it up! She burst into tears and Mr. Schue seemed shocked before he grabbed a box of tissues and handed it to her as she tried to recompose herself.

"I picked that song because it means something… to _me_, not Quinn Fabray." She said silently, after having mostly recomposed herself. He still looked confused until he noticed how her hand rested slightly on her stomach which, he duly noted, was looking slightly rounder.

It was then that he realized what she was trying to tell him.

"What is it about glee club that makes kids go out and get pregnant?" he says in a deadpan, sighing when Rachel's tears turn into uncontrollable giggles. You had to admit, it was kind of funny that two "loser's" in glee had managed to get pregnant in McKinley High, even if one of them _had_ been a cheerleader.

"Does Finn know?"

"Yes, why?" She furrowed her brown in confusion, until she realized that Mr. Schue assumed that the father was Finn.

"Oh god, no." She blurted out in horror. "He's not the father…it's Jesse's." Mr. Schue seemed to sigh in relief until he registered that she'd said Jesse's name, and he just looked horrified.

"Please tell me that you know another Jesse, one that didn't smash an egg on your forehead."

"Not that it's any of your business…" She said sharply, "but Jesse had his reasons for doing what he did…and I've forgiven him for that. Now he just needs to forgive me…" She said the last part quietly but he still caught it, and he gave her a questioning look when she didn't continue.

"He's in a coma." She said simply, watching in fascination as Will's eyes widened to twice their width and he motioned for her to wait a moment before walking into the hallway. She waited for a few moments before he came back in, dragging a very confused Miss. Pillsbury behind him.

She sighed. It was going to be a long afternoon.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN: **Here's where the story starts picking up! Rachel is 16 weeks pregnant, and everything seems to be going too well…so of course there's going to be some drama coming up soon. Expect part two of this chapter in a few days!


	11. Incomplete

Chapter 11: Incomplete 

0-0

_I tried to go on like I never knew you  
I'm awake but my world is half asleep  
I've prayed for this heart to be unbroken  
But without you all I'm going to be, incomplete_

0-0

**AN: **So this chapter is officially shitty, because I had it written and it was totally awesome and then my computer ate it. It's gone. So this is basically the abridged version of the other one, which was written about a month ago so of course I couldn't remember anything that happened, and it absolutely horrible.

I apologize in advance.

I also just moved into my new apartment so things have been kind of crazy, sorry it took so long!

After an agonizingly awkward conversation with Mr. Schue and Miss. Pillsbury, Rachel was finally able to leave McKinley High School. Like she did every day she went directly to the hospital to see Jesse, but today she felt like something was different. When she got to the hospital she could see her Daddy talking to the doctor, and she couldn't help but wonder what they were talking about. They had been trying to approach the Berry men about taking Jesse off the ventilators and letting him try breathing on his own but neither man had given them permission to do so, as if the test was a failure the other man would die. She came up beside her daddy and smiled at the doctor who looked from her to her baby bump awkwardly before mumbling something about charts and bolting from the room. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she approached the bed and grasped Jesse's hand, a tear rolling down her cheek when she noticed that the physical aspects of the coma were starting to have an effect on him. She heard a knock on the door and she looked up, smiling when she saw Quinn Fabray leaning in the doorway. Quinn hesitated a moment but came in and sat down on the chair next to Rachel, refusing to make eye contact with the boy in the bed before them.

"You actually came in." Rachel said off handedly, surprised. "I thought you'd never make it past the doorway."

"I didn't want to, but…I'm trying." She smiled weakly and Rachel nodded before smoothing down a curl on Jesse's head that seemed to want to go astray. She knew it would kill him if he could see the state that his hair was currently in so when she came to visit she tried to smooth them out the best she could, which really wasn't that good at all.

"I know…you're a good friend, Quinn."

"Not so much." The blonde girl said, laughing darkly. "If I was a good friend we wouldn't be sitting here right now."

"This isn't your fault."

"It isn't yours either."

"Someone needs to take the blame." Rachel said quietly, pretending to be engrossed with Jesse's hair. It was growing back rather quickly, and she knew that it was horrible but it was a relief to her. She knew that if he woke up and found out that his hair was gone, the shock of it would probably send him into a second coma. On the outside she looked calm and collected but on the inside she felt like she was about to break, talking about the situation always made her feel helpless and it was a feeling she hated experiencing.

"That doesn't mean it has to be you, Rach." Rachel nodded and stood up quickly, stating that she'd be right back, before bolting from the room and into the corridor. She stood outside the room and took deep breaths, closing her eyes and counting to ten. Even just talking about the situation made her heart race like crazy, and it was almost too much for even her to bear. She took a few more deep calming breaths and braced herself, knowing that when she went back in the room she'd have to undoubtedly endure more questions. When she opened her eyes she was surprised to see a pair of piercing blue eyes staring back at her, their person dressed in blue attire that looked suspiciously familiar to the outfits Vocal Adrenaline had worn while performing Another One Bites the Dust.

"Are you Rachel Berry?" the stranger asked curiously, taking in her appearance with a questioning glance. She could feel his gaze settling between her face and her baby bump and she snapped her fingers in front of his face, bringing his line of vision back up to her face.

"Does this question have any relevance as to why you're here? I don't believe I know you?"

"I've heard a lot about you."

"Oh? How so?"

"Jesse talked about you nonstop, when he was talking that is. He said you were the most talented female in Ohio, which totally pissed off Giselle."

"Oh…and you are?"

"My name's Aiden. I came to see Jesse; we were on Vocal Adrenaline together." She resisted the urge to roll her eyes or sigh in exasperation as he used his association with Jesse in the past tense, but she was saved from having to do so as he continued to speak.

"The team really misses him; it's a really shitty deal what happened."

"He's not dead you know." She snapped in exasperation. "There's no need to talk about him in the past tense."

"I know he's not dead." Aiden said in frustration, realizing that this girl was just about as dramatic as Jesse and it was probably why they'd been so good together. "He just quit the team before he got in the accident, is what I meant."

"…what?"

"Coach Corcoran and Jesse got into it after she said we were doing drug tests and he had a fit and stormed out, apparently."

"How do you know this?" Rachel asked her voice barely above that of a whisper.

"She told us that Jesse had just quit Vocal Adrenaline right after we took a break and then two hours later she got a call and said he was in the hospital."

Rachel knew that Aiden was still talking but all she could hear was that her mother had known that something was wrong and had continued on with rehearsal like nothing was amiss. She felt the rage bubbling under her skin and she had to close her eyes and count to ten again before she was able to get them into check.

"Can you do me a favor, Aiden?"

"Uh…sure."

"When you go back to Carmel, would you be able to take me back to the high school?"

"Sure, I guess…but I'm just going to go say Hi to Jesse first. Be back in a few." She nodded and sunk down onto the corridor floor, cradling her head in her hands as she let the implication of Aiden's words wash over her. After what felt like an eternity he came out of the room and she followed him outside to his range rover, climbing in as they made their way to Carmel High.

"Do you want me to wait here for you?" He asked when they got to the school, not liking the idea of leaving Jesse's girl to fend for herself in a town where no one really liked her all that much. She shook her head and said that she would get one of her parents to come get her and with that he drove away from the school.

She took a deep breath as she stood outside of the school, wondering how she would confront the mother she'd never got the chance to get to know about her implication in Jesse's ordeal.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Shelby watched her group perform in perfect unison as she half heartedly wondered whether or not they should even bother continuing their rehearsals. After Jesse had left the group their numbers seemed to have gotten worse and worse and no one was even really trying anymore, including herself. She had reassigned Jesse's solos and re-choreographed the numbers but they just seemed off without their lead male vocalist…and no matter how good their new lead vocalist was, he would never compare to the likes of Jesse St. James.

Shelby was about to call the practice to an end when she heard the auditorium doors whip open with a slam, ricocheting off the walls as they slammed into them. She looked up and felt all of the color drain from her face when she realized who the irate person coming through them was, and she instantly called rehearsal to an end. After every single performer had left the theatre, Rachel approached her angrily and looked as if she was about to hit someone.

"Did you know?"

"I'm sorry…did I know what?"

"Don't play coy with me, _Shelby_." Rachel seethed, practically shrieking. Her small frame was shaking and Shelby noticed that she didn't look well at all. "I know that you kicked Jesse out of Vocal Adrenaline when he refused to take the drug test…and I know that you didn't even try to go after him when he stormed out. Aiden told me everything!"

First of all, when the hell had Rachel started talking to one of her performers? And second…oh shit.

"Rachel, it's not what it sounds like…." She started to explain, getting cut off mid-sentence by her irate daughter.

"Really? Because it sounds like your lead vocalist threw an _out of character _fit and stormed out of rehearsal, and you just continued on like nothing happened."

"Baby…"

"Don't baby me; I'm beyond angry with you." Her daughter was crying now and Shelby wanted nothing more than to take her in her arms and hold her until the pain went away, but she knew that she would never be able to do so. That was Leroy and Hiram Berry's job.

"You let this happen. You could've stopped _all_ of this."

"I tried to talk to him…"

"Really? Like you _tried_ to talk to me after you forced him to play espionage for you? You don't try, you expect things to come easy and then when they don't you run scared in the opposite direction."

"I told him that he was like a son to me and—"

"If you really cared about him you would have cared less about your perfect show choir and more about making sure he was okay." Rachel said through her tears, trying to contain herself. "The fact that you knew and did _nothing_…that you kept on with your _rehearsal_…" She was shaking like a leaf now and Shelby was afraid that she was going to collapse at any minute. She tried to wrap the younger girl in a hug but Rachel pushed her off.

"I hate you." She spat, scrambling out of the auditorium doors. As Shelby watched her go she couldn't help but notice how the most important people in her life seemed to be making it a habit to storm out using those particular doors.

Maybe it was a sign.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Rachel didn't make it very far before she collapsed to the ground, sobs overcoming her entire body as she picked up her phone and made a phone call. She didn't want her Daddy and Dad to see her so upset so she called the one person that she knew wouldn't be bothered by her tears to come get her. When his truck pulled into the parking lot she managed to pick herself up off of the ground and thank him for coming before dissolving into tears once more. When they pulled up outside of her house he asked her if she wanted any company but she declined, thanking him for leaving his x-box behind to come and rescue her. She'd never thought a day would come when she'd be thankful for Noah Puckerman, but it had.

She managed to make it upstairs and into her room before fully giving into her emotions, pouring out everything she'd been experiencing and holding in since she'd found out that Jesse was in the hospital. She managed to pull out her cell phone and dial Quinn's number, hoping that the other girl would be able to make sense of the nonsense running through her head.

She didn't know what to think anymore…or who to trust.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN: **Short and Horrible, I know. The other one was SO much better; I'm very disappointed that I lost it. EPICFAIL. Hopefully the next chapter makes up for it!


	12. A House is Not a Home

Chapter Twelve: A House is not a Home

**AN: **Adjusting to college life has been…difficult…and this chapter definitely suffered because of it. However the next one is where the story starts getting better, trust me!

*_*  
_  
A chair is still a chair  
even when there's no one sitting there.  
But a chair is not a house,  
and a house is not a home  
when there's no one there to hold you tight  
and no one there you can kiss goodnight._

A room is still a room  
even when there's nothing there but gloom.  
But a room is not a house  
and a house is not a home  
when the two of us are far apart  
and one of us has a broken heart.

Now and then I call your name,  
and suddenly your face appears.  
But it's just a crazy game  
and when it ends  
it ends in tears.  


When Quinn got the call from Rachel she didn't know what she was supposed to do; what to say to make the other girl feel better. Shelby wasn't really in the wrong, but she wasn't in the right either…and she knew that saying that would not console the younger girl who was currently falling apart on the other end of the phone. Rachel had spent so much time hiding away her emotions and her fears and her tears behind thick walls that when they finally came crashing down she didn't know what to do with herself. Quinn tried to console her as best as she could but really she didn't know how, because she too was just as guilty of not trying harder to help Jesse before it was too late. They had been stranded at his house but they could have called the police, or a taxi…anything but just wait. Their waiting might have cost Jesse his life…and it was too hard to think about that. After the phone conversation she hung up the phone and invited Finn over, telling him that they needed to talk. When he finally arrived, sneaking in the back door, she pulled him into her room before kissing him and promptly bursting into tears.

"Oh no…please tell me you're not pregnant again." She stopped crying almost instantly and shot him the coldest glare she could muster as he grinned sheepishly and muttered something about girls, tears, and hormones. She decided to forgive him for her stupidity and she told him about everything that had gone down between Rachel and Shelby, and about how guilty she felt for not being able to have helped Jesse more than they had.

"There was nothing we could do…he took the van."

"I know…but we could have called someone, like Andrea or even the police?"

"We didn't want him to get in trouble, and we never thought he was that into the drugs…you know that this isn't your fault, right?"

"I should have helped him." She cried out, sobbing into her hands. "He told me that he'd been feeling down since Rachel left but I told him to wait it out and that she'd come around. Then she changed her number, and I wouldn't give it to him so he stopped listening to me. I should have given him the _fucking_ number."

Finn was shocked that she'd actually sworn, but he took the poor girl in his arms and held her as she cried, wondering how on earth they'd manage to survive the year if Jesse didn't hurry up and wake up from his stupid coma.

"You did all that you could." He whispered into her ear reassuringly as her sobs dulled, and she drifted off to sleep in his arms.

Quinn wasn't surprised the next morning when she got a text from Rachel at 8am, inviting them all over to her house for a day of "clean, fun, glee club activities". She knew that Puck would be bringing the alcohol so she got up early and went to the store to get all the ingredients to make a pie, deciding to make blueberry because she knew how much Rachel liked it. When she was finished the pie a few hours later she headed over to Rachel's and noticed that she was the last person to get there, and everyone looked relieved to see her. Rachel was standing in front of everyone in the living room and Quinn shot her a look before sitting down next to Finn, waiting for Rachel to start what was sure to be a pre-rehearsed speech.

"Fellow glee club members, I'm sure you're wondering why I've called you here today." She started, clasping her hands together in front of her. "I just wanted to formally inform you that the rumors going around the 'blogosphere' are true, I am pregnant. However, Jacob got it wrong when he said the father was Noah…Noah is not the father."

"I told you!" Puck shouted, pointing at Kurt who rolled his eyes and looked away from him.

"Anyway." Rachel said pointedly, cutting off the argument that was sure to erupt between the two boys. "The identity of the father is inconsequential, so I'd prefer it if no one asked about it." Mercedes and Kurt looked like they wanted to add something but before they got the chance, Brittney beat them to it.

"Is it Mr. Schue's?"

Everyone gave her a look that mixed between horror, fascination, and repulsion as they all then turned to look at Rachel who gasped and looked horrified.

"No it is _not!" _She said indignantly. "Nevertheless…I thought we could spend this lovely Saturday together as a team in an effort to establish good lines of communication. If we want to be successful this year we need to be a close knit group, and I feel that there is still some tension within the group so I've arranged for a fun day full of team building activities…starting with a rousing game of _Don't Forget the Lyrics!"_

Everyone playfully groaned but agreed to play the game and before long they were all bursting into laughter as Finn tried, and failed horribly, to sing along to "Jizz in my Pants" by the Lonely Island. It was bad enough that he didn't have a raspy enough voice to sing the song but that compared with the fact that he didn't know the words made it that much worse.

"_Last night I saw a film, as I recall it was a_…" he paused and bit his lip, having no idea what the next lyric was. He had to sing something or he'd definitely lose so he sang the first thing that came to mind. "…musical comedy…?"

"No." Kurt said in disgust, scowling at Finn darkly. "The Lonely Island is too disgusting to reference anything as epic as a musical…and there is no such thing as a 'comedic' musical…musicals are not supposed to be comedic!"

"Mamma Mia was funny." Puck said off-handedly, ignoring the look that his boyfriend shot him.

"My point exactly."

"Whatever."

After Finn it was Quinn's turn and she was not impressed to find that it was a rap song by Eminem. She had never listened to an Eminem song, claiming that it wasn't really music but talking that made the angels cry, but she tried her best.

"_I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hear you die but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet_."

"No Quinn…just no." Finn said sadly, embracing his girlfriend casually as she sighed and relinquished her turn, as Kurt stepped up to the plate.

They played the game until finally only one person remained, and it was Brittney! Apparently although her brain didn't retain much information, she was able to retain song lyrics in there. After that they played a game of Dance Dance Revolution which Artie surprisingly kicked all of their asses at, playing with his hands. Puck had tried to take him on using his hands too, claiming that it couldn't be that hard, and didn't even last thirty seconds before failing out. It was harder than it looked. After DDR Puck pulled out the alcohol and everyone but Rachel and Quinn started to play some drinking games like beer pong and something with cards and kissing until the card accidentally slipped and Brittney ended up kissing Santana…and wouldn't stop. They were separated when a slightly intoxicated Kurt suggested that they play never have I ever, and even Rachel and Quinn agreed to play with non alcoholic drinks that Rachel retrieved from her kitchen.

They all sat around in a circle and it was somehow decided that Mercedes would go first.

"Never have I ever…kissed a boy."

Mike, Matt, Mercedes, and Finn all drank as everyone else turned to look at Artie who blushed furiously and mumbled something incoherently about confusion, and everyone burst into laughter. Tina went next and thought carefully about her statement.

"Never have I ever had sex." She said casually. She'd been wondering if Artie had ever had sex after he'd told her that he had full use of his penis, and this seemed like the best way to find out without actually asking.

Puck, Finn, Quinn, Rachel, Mike, Matt, Brittney, Santana and surprisingly Kurt all drank causing Mercedes to whirl around and smack Kurt on the back of the head.

"You and Puck had sex and you never told me?" Mercedes asked incredulously, looking really angry. Quinn noticed that Puck hadn't said anything and she looked over and saw that he was glaring in Kurt's direction and it was then that she came to the confusion that Puck hadn't had sex with Kurt yet…and that Kurt was going to have to do some explaining.

"I can explain." He said to Puck with a sense of urgency as Puck rolled his eyes and dismissed him, downing the rest of his drink before stumbling to his feet and getting another one. They both looked miserable and Quinn couldn't help but wonder if this game had been a bad idea. It was her turn next and she looked over at Finn casually before making a bold statement, which she knew had to be said.

"Never have I ever been completely honest in a relationship."

Everyone drank at this one, surprising no one. The tension from before seemed to trickle out of the room and she hoped that things would go back to normal…except that it was Puck's turn. Unfortunately for Kurt, when Puck got drunk he got irrational and she knew that this question was not going to end well.

"Never have I ever lied about my virginity to someone who claims to love me."

Kurt unsurprisingly drank, as did Quinn, Brittney, and Finn. They knew about Kurt and Quinn's lies…but Brittney and Finn?

"Finn…?" Quinn asked cautiously. She had thought that Finn had been a virgin when they had sex…she hadn't even considered the possibility of him having been with anyone else.

"I took his V card." Santana said smugly, smiling at her ex-best friend from across the circle.

Quinn wasn't sure what happened but before she knew it she had lunged across the circle and had tackled Santana to the ground, clawing at her face as she cried.

"Why did you do it?" She yelled at her ex-best friend as she pinned her to the ground.

"To hurt you" Santana said simply, offering no excuse as to why she did it. She then looked over at Britt in confusion. "What do you mean you lied about your virginity, B?"

"You asked me if I had sex with Kurt and I said no. He was a virgin, and I lied."

"B…" Santana looked like she wanted to say something but she refrained and sighed as everyone else in the room looked wide-eyed between the gob smacked Puck and the red-faced Kurt. No one could really believe that Kurt had actually had sex with a _girl_…it just seemed totally surreal.

"You told me you didn't have sex with her." Rachel said quietly to Finn, who was sitting stoically next her, after the awkward tension from Brittney's statement subsided. She honestly didn't care all that much about the fact that he'd lied about having sex but it was still hard to hear, especially after he'd used the fact that he hadn't had sex against her in order to pursue her. He looked away from her prying gaze and she just sighed as Puck pulled Quinn off of Santana and they all sat in their tense little circle, waiting for someone to go next. Rachel decided to go next and figured that they needed something to get their minds off of everything that was going on, and this way she could kill two birds with one stone.

"Never have I ever put someone in the hospital because of my own shortcomings."

She was the only one to drink, and she felt Quinn wrap an arm around her shoulders in an attempt to comfort her…but she didn't need any comfort.

She had made her bed, and would now have to lie in it for the rest of her life.

"I feel like it's only fair that I tell you this now, since most of you won't remember it tomorrow…" she said hesitantly, wondering if she was making the right decision. "Jesse is the father, and he's not involved because…he's in the hospital."

Everyone started to talk at once and she fought to hear individual questions and was relieved as Finn told everyone to shut up and let her talk.

"There was an accident and some other circumstances. Suffice to say, Jesse is in a coma and has been for almost two months now." She had never said the truth out loud, and saying the words made tears appear in her eyes as she bit her lip and refused to let them fall. Everyone was staring at her and she felt like she was going to fall apart until Puck suggested they play another round of beer pong and everyone reluctantly agreed to play. She managed to sneak away from the action and into the kitchen where she leaned against the counter, taking deep breaths as she tried to get herself under control.

She had to pull herself together! If not for her, then the two bundles of joy in her stomach that she still hadn't told her parents about. She vowed to tell them when they got back from their business trip that they'd reluctantly gone on.

She hoped that the news wouldn't change anything.

**AN: **Seriously lacking some inspiration here…eeps!


	13. Without You Here

Chapter Thirteen: Without You Here

**AN:** The last two chapters have sucked hardcore, and my reviews have been suffering becasue of them. Just so you guys know, the story is now actually COMPLETE. I'm working on the sequel right now and the rest of the chapters from here on in are pointed, so there are no more filler chapters like the HORRIFICNESS of chapter 12!

The drama starts now guys!

0-0

_And I'm trying to believe  
In things that I don't know  
The turning of the world  
The color of your soul  
That love could kill the pain  
Truth is never vain  
It turns strangers into lovers  
And enemies to brothers  
Just say you understand  
I never had this planned_

And now, now that you're near  
There's nothing more without you  
Without you here  
Without you here  
There's nothing more without you  
Without you here

0-0

**AN: **I've been having a really hard time churning out chapters lately, not sure why, and I think it's because there just isn't any creative juice flowing though me…not sure quite why. *sigh*. Anyway, here's chapter thirteen…though I'm not sure if I like it or not.

"Oh god, don't stop" she moaned in ecstasy as he took her nipple in his mouth and started to nip gently, caressing her body lovingly with his hands. She yearned to be closer to him and she grinded her hips into his and took his lip between her teeth and wound her hands in his hair, trying desperately to be as close to him as she possibly could. His hands ran up her thigh and settled on the waistband of her panties, sliding them down slowly as she started to kiss him on the neck. He rolled her over until he was on top of her, kissing his way over her breasts and down her body until he was directly below her entrance. He kissed her belly and then dropped down to her entrance, working it with his tongue so beautifully that she cried out in ecstasy, hips bucking as she begged for more.

He undid his belt and slid his pants down, revealing that he had been commando underneath. She grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to her, kissing him with a feverish passion as she helped him remove his shirt so that they were both naked. As they kissed she thrust upwards and bit back a moan as their bodies collided and sparks flew in front of her eyes. She continued to kiss him as he positioned himself above her entrance, sliding into her with one quick thrust as she wound her legs around his hips and began to writhe on top of him. He thrust into her and pushed her down onto the bed, climbing on top of her and continuing his ministrations. She was moaning and gasping profusely now as she felt her climax approaching. She closed her eyes and gasped before—

"Rachel?"

Rachel's eyes snapped open and she barely had time to register where she was, in her room _without_ Jesse, as her dad's burst into the room with a tray of Belgian waffles and strawberry's. She smiled weakly and thanked them for the breakfast as they told her that they would see her later that night, giving her a kiss on the forehead before they left. As soon as they left the room Rachel let out a frustrated sigh and flopped backwards on the pillow as tears began to gather in her eyes. The dream had been so real that she'd actually thought that Jesse had been in the bed with her, that they'd been _together_, and it seemed almost cruel to be lying in it without him. She curled up in the fetal position and wrapped her arms around her knees as the loneliness overcame her and she succumbed to her tears. It had been so long since she'd gotten to hold Jesse in her arms and she missed him so much that it hurt, and she wished more than anything that he would just wake up and walk through the door as if nothing had ever happened and that life was normal.

She knew it would never happen, but it was a nice thing to think about. It had been over four months since they'd been together, almost longer than they'd even dated, but his was still the face that she thought about it every night before she went to sleep and every morning when she woke up. She knew it seemed unrealistic to find the love of your life at sixteen years old but she just knew that they were meant to be together, even if it had taken her a few months and much heartbreak in order to realize it. She was worried about what would happen when, she refused to consider the 'If' option, he woke up because before the coma he'd been very upset and angry with her…and pretty much everyone. She wondered if he would be the same confident boy he'd been before when they'd dated, the boy who knew that he was spectacularly talented and wouldn't hesitate to let you know. She would never admit it to him, but his confidence was part of the reason she'd initially been so enthralled with him.

After awhile she managed to still her tears and was able to get up and prepare for the day, dreading the criticism that she was inevitably going to receive when she got to school. There really hadn't been much time for anyone's reactions so she knew that she was going to have a hard day before her and she hoped that she was ready for it. She rummaged through her closet and pulled out her sweater with the owl on it, the same she'd worn on the day that Jesse had gotten angry with her after the Run Joey Run debacle, and a skirt with knee socks and flats. She figured that she wouldn't be able to wear her own clothes for very much longer and since everyone pretty much knew about the baby now, it made no sense to even attempt to hide it. Unlike Quinn, she wasn't ashamed of the fact that she was pregnant. She harbored no resentment towards the beings in her stomach because they'd been born from love, the love she'd had with Jesse, and there was no way she would ever give that up for any kind of popularity. Her only concern about going to school was the people who would torment her because of the baby, and whether or not it would increase or stop due to her fragile condition. She wondered if the jocks would leave her alone like they had with Quinn when they'd found out she was pregnant, not wanting to be responsible for the death of a baby or anything. She hoped that they would feel the same way about her baby but she figured that wouldn't be the case due to the fact that she had never been popular and they hated her more than they hated Quinn, and that the father of her baby was from a rival school that pretty much kicked their asses at every single thing.

She had a feeling that it was going to be a really long day.

Leroy Berry was sitting in his office at the law firm when he got the call from the hospital, asking him to come down as soon as he possibly could. The woman on the other end said that she couldn't divulge any information over the phone but that it was important he came sooner rather than later, so he cancelled all his meetings and appointments and headed over to the hospital as quickly as was humanly possible. He had called his husband on the way over and they made it to the hospital at the same time, heading towards the reception desk together. Leroy had a sinking feeling in his stomach as they signed the visitors log and headed down the familiar hallway, coming to stand outside of Jesse's hotel room. He looked the same as he had every day, and Leroy couldn't help but wonder why they had been called down to the hospital.

Until he heard the alarms start to go off.

Before either Berry knew what was going on, they were gently shoved out of the way as medical personnel rushed into the room and started to work on the sick teenager. They couldn't hear anything through the thick plexi glass but he felt like he was going to be sick when he saw them drag the crash cart out of the corner and charge it up, zapping the boy with it as they fought to revive him. Leroy gripped his husband's hand tightly and they both only looked away from the room when they heard someone run up beside them. When he turned and saw Shelby Corcoran standing beside him he wasn't sure what to think. He had known that Jesse had helped Rachel and Shelby reunite but he'd never actually had much of an interaction with her since the day she'd given Rachel to them and signed the papers. Time had done her well and she hardly looked older than the 19 year old woman who'd been determined to make it big on Broadway and needed a little cash flow in order to do so. He found it surprising that she'd ended back in Lima since she'd been so talented, but those were thoughts for another time. All that mattered at the present was the boy in the hospital room fighting for his life, and all the people around him that depended on his survival. He saw that Shelby's hands had started to shake and he gripped her hand in his tightly as they all watched the doctor's working on Jesse.

After what felt like an eternity, which was actually only a few minutes, the doctor's all stepped away from Jesse and Leroy noticed in relief that the heart monitor was back in what was considered a normal margin and that the boy was breathing on his own. He hadn't even noticed that the machines had been gone when they'd looked through originally but he assumed that must have been why they'd called him.

Jesse must have woken up, even if for a few moments.

His questions were answered a few minutes later when the doctor came out of the room and stood before the three adults, smiling at their worried and panicked faces.

"I never thought I'd get to say this, but I have good news for you folks." He said brightly, his smile practically lighting up the room. "This morning Jesse opened his eyes and started breathing on his own, so we removed him from the machines. He's had a few slight breathing problems from the damage to his lungs in the accident, so we're monitoring him carefully just to make sure that there aren't any serious complications. Due to the length of his coma, Jesse has suffered through the worst of the drug withdraw and will most likely not be as tempted to relapse as he would have if he had never slipped into the coma. However, once Jesse is fully conscious and able to pass our brain stability tests he will be placed on a mandatory 72 hour suicide watch before being checked into the rehab facility here at the hospital."

The Berry's and Shelby nodded as the doctor talked and they thanked him for his time before turning away from him and towards the room of the boy they all had come to love in different ways, thankful that it seemed like he was going to be okay.

It was going to be a long hard rode though…that was for sure.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Shelby had been in the middle of Vocal Adrenalin practice when she got the call, and she had left the auditorium mid number without saying a word to her performers. Ever since the day Jesse had left the team, Vocal Adrenalin had been spiraling downward without their fearless leader. Even if he hadn't always been nice or even amicable to them, they all knew that he was the only one of them that was irreplaceable and his unexplained departure had rocked the entire group. They had managed to full themselves together with Lane Ellis taking over as the lead vocalist but things weren't the same …Lane was no Jesse St. James and even he knew it. Shelby had cancelled practice for the first week after Jesse's departure, and by that time they had all heard about what had happened. Jesse had been in a car accident and was in a coma at Akron Regional Hospital, and was still there. When they'd found out the news everyone in Vocal Adrenalin had fallen into a deep funk until, surprisingly, Andrea Cohen was the one to pull them out of it. She had confronted all of the members about their previous behavior and about how none of them had noticed that something was wrong with Jesse until he wasn't performing well, and that wasn't how friendship was supposed to work. Aiden seemed to be the only one that was truly remorseful for his actions and he and Andrea had started going to see Jesse in the hospital at least once a week, usually going during the times that they knew Rachel and her parents weren't going to be there.

It was just easier on everyone involved that way.

Nevertheless, Shelby had been very disheartened about going to National's without Jesse and she had tried to step down from her job as coach, but the principal wouldn't allow her to do so. She even tried to play the new mother card but he refused to budge as she had signed a contract that bound her to the school for at least another year and a half whether she wanted to be there or not. She couldn't even walk into the auditorium without having a mental replay on the last conversation she'd had with Jesse so Vocal Adrenalin practices had been moved to the gym and they struggled to come up with numbers to perform at National's. She was honestly embarrassed at the songs that they'd picked, more out of desperation than inspiration, and had not been surprised that when the day came to go to National's none of the kids looked excited at all and they didn't even place. She could remember the year before when they'd been going to National's… when they'd all been happy and excited…when Jesse had been with them…

He'd been somewhat distant with her that weekend but he'd preformed phenomenally and a scout from UCLA had come up to her after the competition to congratulate her on teaching such a gifted young man. When she'd gone to congratulate him on his performance and being scouted he brushed her off and took off, and she couldn't help but wonder even to this day what had happened to make the normally so secure boy look frazzled.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**National's 2009 – One Year Ago.**

"_Okay guys, I want absolute silence on the way to New York…do you hear me? If I hear even a peep you will lose any solo you might have—and that includes you too, St. James. I saw that smirk."_

_Jesse just shot her another smirk before shaking his head and putting his ear buds in, shutting out the world around him. He had no problem with keeping quiet on the way to National's, there wasn't really anyone he wanted to talk to, and he would have a much better time on the ride there with his music and the latest Stephen Sondheim biography he'd picked up at the library. Just as he was getting into the book he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out, a small smile gathering on his face when he saw that it was from Andrea. The two of them had started a bizarre kind of love affair three weeks ago, and he found that he was almost enjoying her company. What they had was basically a friends with benefits situations, as neither one of them really had any legit feelings for the other, but he found that she was somewhat hilarious and quite the candidate for best friend status. Jesse had never really had any friends before Andrea, but he hoped that she would continue to be his friend even when he inevitably called off their little fling._

"_I'm late."_

_He read the text and his brow furrowed as he flipped out the keyboard and typed out a response, wondering what the fuck she was talking about._

"_How so? I can see you sitting up front."_

"_I mean I'm late…as in _late._"_

_He felt his blood run cold as his eyes raked over the messages so many times that the words started to blur together as his fear started to overcome him. This was quite possibly the worst thing that could have ever happened to him, especially now. They were on their way to a competition where there would be many university scouts coming to see him perform. He couldn't let himself get distracted now, not when his future was looming so closely ahead of him. _

"_Mine?"_

_He knew his text was short and cold, but he couldn't let himself get emotionally attached to the idea of this pregnancy. He couldn't let anything deter him from become the star that he was destined to be, especially not a baby that may or may not be his. He knew that Andrea had been dating Aiden and Lane before him, so he hoped to go that one of them was the father._

"_Don't know."_

"_Talk to me when you find out."_

_They didn't talk about it the rest of the time they were in New York for the competition but when they did their solo together, As Long As You're Mine from Wicked, he couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty about how mean he'd been to her before. He also knew that their solo wasn't as strong as it could have been because they weren't in love with each other, but because he was such a great actor he knew that to the audience it probably seemed like they were two lovers professing their feelings through song. By the time they got to their two group numbers, Don't Stop me Now by Queen and I Got A Feeling/Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas, he was practically sizzling on stage and he knew that they had the competition in the bag. There was something about the thrill of performing that made him come alive no matter what was going on in his personal life. As they stood on stage and awaited the results of the competition he felt Andrea lace her fingers through his and he slowly detached his hand and folded them together in front of his body. When their names were called as the 2009 National Show Choir Winners he let out a whoop of joy and embraced several of his fellow performers, making sure to stay clear of Andrea so that she wouldn't get the wrong idea._

_That night the performers of Vocal Adrenalin partied in their hotel rooms to celebrate the win…everyone but Andrea and Jesse. They were reluctantly sitting side by side on the side of the bath tub as she stared at the stick in her hand, crying when the pregnancy test turned pink and revealed that she was pregnant. Jesse cursed out loud and ran a hand through his curls, wondering how his life had gone from being so phenomenal to horrifying in a matter of minutes. Through her tears, Andrea managed to tell him that she wasn't 100% sure if he was the father but that it was either his or Aiden's. Jesse was not a mean guy, not very often, so when he asked Andrea to get a paternity test done he felt very confident in his decision to blow up when she out right refused._

"_Why not?" He asked angrily, pacing the length of the small bathroom they were holed up in._

"_I don't want to know who the father is because then I won't be able to give it away." She said angrily, wiping the tears from her eyes that had started to fall. "I'm a performer, Jesse. I don't want to have a fucking baby. I'm going to do the right thing and carry it for however many months and then give it to someone who will love it, not resent its very existence."_

_He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding as he sat back down on the edge of the tub, watching her curiously as she stopped crying and started to re-apply her make up in the mirror._

"_What are we going to do now?" He asked curiously, wondering how life was going to change now that she was pregnant with a baby that may or may not be his._

"_We aren't going to do anything." She snapped at him, whirling around to face him with her mascara brush pointed towards his eyes. "If you tell anyone about this I will make your life a living hell, do you hear me? This is never going to get out. No one is ever going to find out, and then it will be over and life will continue on as if it never happened."_

"_You're going to have to tell Shelby, she's going to notice." He pointed out._

"_I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." She said stubbornly, tugging her shirt down over her belly, as if expecting it to suddenly grow to twice its normal size. "As for you and me, that's over."_

_He nodded and stood up before giving her an unreadable look as he walked out the door._

_They never said a word to each other after that until after she lost the baby._

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**Present Day**

When Shelby got to the hospital she was unsurprised to see the Berry men there and she was thankful that she'd decided to leave Beth at home with the baby sitter for rehearsal that day. She couldn't begin to even imagine the amount of awkwardness that would occur if they saw Shelby walk into the hospital with a baby girl. She could feel her hands start to shake as she saw the doctor's working on Jesse and she was touched when Leroy Berry gripped her hand tightly in his own, comforting her in the only way he could. She, like the two of them, knew how devastating a loss it would be if anything were to happen to Jesse…and she just couldn't let that happen. She would give her own life if it would mean that Rachel would never have to go through the heartache of losing someone she loved. She hadn't seen Rachel since they'd had their argument in the theatre and she wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to her again. She couldn't even begin to comprehend how devastated Rachel was about the entire situation, but she felt like there was a missing piece of the puzzle that would help her piece everything together.

"What happens now?" She asked the Berry men as they all stood together outside of the window to Jesse's room, debating whether or not they should enter. She didn't know why the other men were hesitating, but she knew why she was. Her last conversation with Jesse kept echoing throughout her mind and she wondered if he would even want to see her when he woke up. She knew that she would be devastated if he refused to let her see him because even if he didn't want to admit it, she did see him like a son and she felt like a failure that she hadn't noticed how bad things had gotten with him because she'd been so preoccupied with Beth. She had practically watched Jesse grow up his entire life as she'd been close friends with his mother, Gertrude St. James, when they had lived in New York together. Shelby loved Gertrude with all her heart but she knew that she didn't love her child, neither did her husband William, and that was when Shelby had started to love the little boy whose parents didn't and couldn't love him. She had taken him to his first day of kindergarten, taken him to soccer practices and vocal lessons, and convinced his parents to move to Lima with her so that she could get their son into the best performing choir this side of the world. His parents had agreed to let him move, they even bought a house for all of them to "live in together". The set up lasted a week before his parents took off and he basically lived alone except for the days when he would stay with Shelby and they'd stay up all night discussing dance routines and songs that they could do with Vocal Adrenalin. But then Jesse had gotten older and the sleep over's had gotten less and less frequent until she only ever saw him at practice, which was probably more appropriate considering she was his teacher and he her student.

…and then he'd confided in her that he'd met a girl who made him feel things, things he hadn't even thought existed, and she'd convinced him to jeopardize it all to help her reunite with the daughter she'd thought she lost forever.

She wondered now if her relationship with Rachel, fragile as it was, was worth all the devastation that she'd brought into their lives.

"Dad, Daddy?" As if on cue, Rachel came racing around the corner and skidded to a stop in front of the hospital room that housed Jesse. She completely ignored her mother and raced to her fathers, embracing them quickly as she waited for an update.

"Baby, Jesse woke up." Her dad said with a smile on her face as Rachel grinned happily and looked in through the window, the smile on her face intensifying.

"But…they don't know what he's going to be like when he regains consciousness." Leroy said in a more firm voice than his husband. "He's been really hurt Rachel…things might not be like they were before, it's going to be a long road." Rachel nodded and continued to stare through the glass, her eyes glazed over as Shelby noticed her hand was resting on her stomach.

Her stomach that was looking slightly rounder than it had a few months ago...

"Are you kidding me?" She asked incredulously, looking between Rachel and her dad's in disbelief. "She's pregnant?"

"Yes, _mother_." She said in a cool voice, eyes not budging from the figure lying in the bed. "…and if you don't like it you can just leave."

"Rachel…" her dad said warningly, not liking the tone that his daughter was using.

"I'm sorry Dad." She said angrily, not sounding overly sorry at all. "However I am not sorry about the fact that I am carrying Jesse's baby so if you can't accept that I suggest you leave."

All Shelby could do was stare at the daughter she had abandoned and wonder how the girl had turned out so much like her without her influence.

"_Mom, I have something I need to tell you…" 19 year old Shelby said to her mother as she wrung her hands anxiously in front of her, waiting as her mother finished drying the dishes and turned to face her. Her mother was a very religious woman who had been raised in the church and believed fully in waiting until marriage to have sex and children. She knew that her mother was already ashamed of her because of her decisions to have extramarital sex and she knew that this news was going to be maker her mother even more ashamed of her but she wanted to give her mother a rational reason as to why she was leaving to go move in with two strange men, and she couldn't think of any other way to say it._

"_I'm pregnant."_

"_You're what?" The heartbreak on her mother's face was devastating and Shelby had to look away, deciding to focus on the design of her shoes instead of the disapproving and disappointed look on Wilma Corcoran's face._

"_I'm having a baby."_

"_Shelby…I am very displeased with this. Who is the father? Does he go to the church?"_

"_No Mom, he doesn't go to the church. He isn't Christian." She could tell from the horrified look on her mother's face that she'd made a mistake in revealing that the Berry's weren't Christian, and she hoped that her mother wouldn't ask the question that she knew would be asked._

"_He's not one of those Atheists is he? Oh Shelby, please tell me he believes in god."_

"_He's Jewish, mom. He goes to temple…with his husband."_

_The silence in the room was so tense that you could have cut through it with a knife, and when her mom opened her mouth Shelby instantly wished that she'd kept silent and just moved out without saying a word._

"_What on earth are you talking about?"_

"_I'm not keeping the baby. Mr. and Mr. Berry are paying me to have their baby, and when I give birth to him or her in 9 months I'll never see any of them every again."_

"_No."_

"_What?"_

"_No. You aren't doing that, I forbid it."_

"_Mother, you don't really have a choice…I already agreed and the child is going to be the Berry's."_

"_No daughter of mine is going to give her baby to a bunch of faggots." Her mother spit out, grabbing Shelby by the arm and practically shaking her. "You are going to keep this baby and you are going to tell your father that the baby is a good Christian man's son. Do you hear me?"_

"_No!" She shouted, wrenching her arm from her mother's tight grasp, noting absently that she would probably have a bruise the next day. "I'm having this baby and I'm giving it to Leroy and Hiram. You need to accept that."_

_Her mom had refused to accept it, and they'd never spoken again._

"I'm sorry" Shelby whispered softly, looking at her daughter with pain in her eyes. "I was just…surprised, that's all. I know you might not believe me, but I love you…you and Jesse. I would never do anything to lose either of you…not again. I know I've made some mistakes, so many mistakes, but I want to try to make it better…if you'll let me."

"I don't know." Rachel whispered, her eyes glazed over with tears as she continued to stare in the hospital room.

"I just need some time.

Shelby nodded and thanked both of the Berry men for calling her before excusing herself, saying that she needed to leave but that she'd be back the next morning bright and early. As she walked out of the hospital she couldn't help but think about what Leroy had said to his daughter about the road being a long one and she hoped that they were all prepared for it.

It was going to be hard, but they would manage to pull through it somehow.

As long as they had each other, she was confident they would be able to right all the wrongs that seemed to have sprung up in their lives.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

'**AN: **Wow I think that this is the longest chapter yet! I really enjoyed writing about Jesse and old school Vocal Adrenalin, so I'm wondering if you guys would want to read more about what Jesse was like before Rachel came into the picture. Or should I just stick with the present day? I'm also wondering if I should have Finn/Quinn be together or have Quinn/Puck.

I'm open to suggestions!


	14. Prodigal

Chapter Fourteen: Prodigal

**AN: **I've been suffering from some Jesse withdrawal, so this is all Jesse with a little bit of Quinn and Rachel and a lot of Shelby, Andrea, Aiden, Lane and a few other Vocal Adrenalin members. This chapter just basically serves as an insight into his past, and why he reacts the way he does to things that happen to him. It basically just explains some of the things that Jesse does in the future chapters and in the sequels, to understand why he is like he is.

_I'm on the road  
To who knows where?  
Look ahead, not behind  
I keep saying  
There's no place to go  
Where you're not there  
On your rope, I hold tight  
But it's freeing_

And I take everything from you  
But you'll take anything  
Won't you?

**Freshman Year – 2007**

When Jesse St. James had walked into the auditorium at Carmel High School he hadn't been sure what exactly to expect. He'd heard that Vocal Adrenalin had been an award winning performing choir up until the previous year when they'd lost their coach and had to settle with a cheap replacement, and they had then recruited Shelby after losing badly. With Shelby came Jesse, and while he knew that he was pretty much guaranteed a spot in the club he wondered how the other people in the club would react to his presence. He knew he was talented; he would be lying if he said that he didn't, but he didn't want to put a huge target on his back the second he walked out on the stage. He'd never really had many friends in his lifetime and he found himself actually wondering what it would be like.

And then he met Andrea Cohen.

She was unlike any girl he'd seen in a really long time, with a dark complexion and raven dark hair that cascaded down her back. She was a freshman like he was and she looked nervous in the large auditorium, as if she was waiting for it to swallow her up. She told him that she'd auditioned the day before for Ms. Corcoran in her office and had surprisingly made it, making the two of them the only freshman in the club. There had never been any freshman in Vocal Adrenalin, so for two to have gotten in they must have been pretty damn good…and Shelby wanted them to prove it to the rest of the club members who were sending scathing looks in the directions of the new members.

"Cohen, St. James…I want you to sing this. Show your new teammates what you're made of." She handed them the sheet music and they headed to center stage, doing a quick vocal warm up before launching into the song as the piano started to play the opening notes of "(I've Had) The Time of my Life" from Dirty Dancing.

_Now I've had the time of my life  
No I never felt like this before  
Yes I swear it's the truth  
and I owe it all to you_

When Jesse opened his mouth to sing he knew that everyone would be captivated with his strong, powerful voice. He had spent years perfecting it so it was no surprise that he could sing the song well without any practice, it was in his nature.

_'Cause I've had the time of my life  
and I owe it all to you_

Andrea's vocals were strong and smooth but she lacked the emotion and star quality that he knew he possessed. She was good, that was obvious, but she needed some work if she wanted to become great.He could see everyone hanging onto his every word as he preformed the song with his heart and soul, crooning the lyrics of the love song to the freshman girl singing opposite him who was practically bursting with energy. Her energy spurned his and the song seemed to swell with power as they stepped it up.  
_  
We saw the writing on the wall  
As we felt this magical fantasy__**This could be love because**_

I've been waiting for so long  
Now I've finally found someone  
To stand by me

Now with passion in our eyes  
There's no way we could disguise it secretly  
So we take each other's hand  
'Cause we seem to understand the urgency

just remember

You're the one thing

I can't get enough of

So I'll tell you something

They sang the lines back and forth before hitting the last line, singing together, as they hurtled into the chorus.

_I've had the time of my life  
No I never felt this way before  
Yes I swear it's the truth  
And I owe it all to you_

Shelby stopped them at this point, her point clearly made, as she sent them into choreography drills that made him wonder if that was what it would be like to be in the army. He didn't complain though because he knew that anything that happened to him over the next four years were just going to be a stepping stone in order to get to where he wanted to be: on Broadway.

He performed as the male lead for Vocal Adrenalin, despite the fact that there were many senior boys in the club, and they promptly won their Sectional's and Regional's easily. The competition at National's was slightly more difficult but Vocal Adrenalin still triumphed and came home with first prize, as they had thought they would. Jesse wasn't sure what it was about performing with VA that made him feel so energized and alive, but he loved it so much that he actually considered pulling a Stephen and failing on purpose over and over again so that he'd never have to leave. He actually went as far as to suggest the idea to Shelby who shot it down, not wanting him to lose any options just because of a show choir. She loved him too much to see him put all his eggs in one basket because she had learned the hard way that sometimes things just don't work out, and it's better to have a contingency plan then to end up cold, alone, and broke in a city that just wants to pull you in and spit you out. She didn't want what had happened to her to happen to Jesse so she taught him everything she knew and then some, hoping that he would be able to achieve the fame that she'd so desperately wished to accomplish.

**Sophomore Year – 2008**

After an agonizingly long summer after from Vocal Adrenalin Jesse was more than overjoyed to be able to go back to the group that he'd once considered his family. Unfortunately for him, his family was no longer intact as one of the show choir directors from another school had found out about several of the ages of the members, and it had been revealed that previous show choir directors at Carmel had been failing students on purpose in order to keep them in the club. Regrettably that cut down the members in the club to almost half and Shelby needed to get more people fast or they wouldn't even qualify for Sectional's, so she got desperate and enlisted the dance club to join forces with the show choir. That was when their numbers started becoming more dance based than vocals, but with Andrea and Jesse belting out the vocals with the dancing routines going on expertly in the background they became an unstoppable force that no one even stood a chance of competing against.

It was at Sectional's that year, right after he sang his solo "Left Behind" from the musical Spring Awakening, that Jesse met _her. _She was the daughter of the show choir director for Aural Intensity and he found her captivating with her long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and curvaceous body. At 16 years old Jesse was starting to be more and more interested in girls, especially this one, and he pursued her constantly until she finally agreed to go out on a date with him. They went to dinner and a movie and he found that he really enjoyed her company so they started to date exclusively, until Regional's when she revealed that she'd been dating him just to distract him during Regional's and steal their set list. He was devastated by this but they had won in the end when his powerful rendition of "One Song Glory" won them Regional's and the title at National's. After the Shawna debacle they decided to "borrow" her underhanded tactics to use on the other show choirs in future years, in order to fully establish the show choir hierarchy that had been established after the defeat of Aural Intensity.

Jesse learned his lesson after the debacle with Shawna. He wasn't going to let someone in that easily ever again, he would learn from his mistakes and come out stronger for it. He would become a soulless automaton, and they would be a powerful, and if necessary; robotic, force to be reckoned with. He proposed the idea to Shelby and she thought it was a good idea to keep them in shape and she pushed them twice as hard as she did before, causing many kids to quit or just pass out from the exhaustion of it all. Jesse liked being pushed so he never once complained, even when they had the seven hour rehearsal on Christmas day.

He didn't date anyone else the remainder of the year, never even looked at another girl. He focused solely on music and performing, because it would never let him down. Instead he focused on competition and hard work, striking up an odd sort of friendship with a fellow sophomore named Lane who was talented, but not as talented as himself. They started to hang out and he finally felt like he'd made a new friend.

…Until Lane tried to kiss him one day after rehearsal. Jesse was very confident in his sexuality, and had nothing wrong with anyone who was interested in the same sex, but it just wasn't for him. However Lane wasn't very happy with that news and their friendship pretty much dissolved.

**Junior Year – 2009**

Junior year started out the same way sophomore year ended with intense VA practices, no love life, and all work no play. He was still the male lead and Andrea was still the female lead but she didn't seem as focused as she usually was, probably because she and Aiden had started dating. Jesse had lectured her on what dating a fellow performer would do to her and she had refused to listen to him, and now they were all paying the consequences. He refused to allow their performances to suffer due to her relationship issues so he suggested that they turn the usual duet into a solo, and that was when Vocal Adrenalin pretty much became "Jesse St. James featuring Vocal Adrenalin". For their group numbers no one was given a solo besides him and occasionally Andrea when there was a part in the song that needed to be sung opposite Jesse, and everyone in the club pretty much accepted it for what it was. They knew that he was a star and that he needed to shine, and they tolerated it because they wanted to win. That was when he sort of fell apart from all of his friends; they weren't going to get him anywhere in life. He focused his on learning the piano and rehearsing, determined to successfully obtain a scholarship to either UCLA or Julliard, whichever one he decided he'd rather go to.

He originally decides on UCLA, because he likes the warm weather and wants to get as far away from Ohio as he possibly can.

Jesse has pushed pretty much everyone in his life away at this point besides Shelby and occasionally Andrea, so he's surprised when she shows up at his house and throws her arms around him as sobs wrack her small body. He holds her cautiously, almost as if she'll break if he touches her, and leads her inside to sit on the couch. They talk for what feels like hours and he remembers what it was like to have a real friend and he vows not to let her get away from again, so when she kisses him he reluctantly kisses her back.

They're officially together three days later.

He has no real emotional attachment to Andrea besides their friendship and their growing sexual intimacy, so he has no reason not to go all the way with her when she suggests it on their second date. They do it and it's good, he doesn't tell her she's his first, and he finds that he almost starts to enjoy her company.

Until she tells him she might be pregnant…and then he can't even stand to look her in the eye. They compete at National's once again and win, but the win doesn't feel as good as it usually does. It feels like he's lost, but he's not sure what game he was playing.

Summer comes and he tells Andrea that he doesn't want to see her again, and if she's smart she'll quit VA.

She doesn't.

**Senior Year – 2010**

When school resumed in September Jesse really thought that Andrea had taken his advice and had chosen not to return to Vocal Adrenalin until he saw her sneak in the back of the auditorium, sidling up next to Aiden who she had apparently reconciled with. He found that he didn't really care all that much about the situation and he pushed himself to the max in their rehearsals, still dissatisfied with the level of enthusiasm that his fellow performers were putting in. That was why he suggested they hire Dakota Stanley to help choreograph their moves. He found the short man to be an inspiration of sorts, and it was partly why he was so insulted when the icon told him that his leg had wobbled during a run through of "Rehab". He scowled and pushed himself harder to prove that he hadn't wobbled and in turn Dakota pushed all of them harder, which caused many cases of dehydration and exhaustion to fall upon the performers. Jesse truly believed that no matter what happened, no matter how many members of Vocal Adrenalin continued to fall down during the numbers because they were too tired to remain standing, he would let Dakota keep pushing them because he wanted to be the best, wanted his last year at Carmel High School to be the best year of show choir that ever existed.

That is, until Andrea miscarried in the middle of one of their practices.

The day had started out as normal as it could have. They had been rehearsing their Mercy number and he had picked her up, finding it hard to do now that she was several months pregnant, and spun her around in the air before dipping her down and twirling them around as they danced to the intricate routine. He could hear her gasping for breath but he didn't have time to think about it as his solo was coming up. He opened his mouth to start to sing but was distracted by something red on the tips of his fingers…it looked like blood. He looked from his fingers to Andrea and then back again before her eyes rolled back in her head and she fell to the ground. He yelled for someone to call 911 and he held her in his arms as she continued to bleed profusely. He knew from the amount of blood all over him and the floor that there was no way the baby could have survived, and he was not surprised the next day when he heard that Andrea Cohen was no longer a member of Vocal Adrenalin.

The death of a baby that may or may not have been his was on his mind almost constantly, haunting him as he wondered how much of it was his fault. Had he spun her too fast? Dipped her too low? However he didn't have time to focus on any of the drama going on in his personal life…it was time for Sectional's and he was ready to perform his victory lap before going off to UCLA in the fall, who had offered him a full scholarship. They did well at Sectional's and after hearing who their competition would be, decided to check out the competition at the other schools. Jesse was blown away by what he saw the performance New Directions, a glee club from Lima, did at their Sectional's. The group in itself was mediocre at best; half their dancers couldn't even dance and there were really only one or two strong vocalists in the entire group. However their female lead was the most spectacular being he'd ever laid eyes on in his entire life. Not only was she beautiful, but her rendition of "Don't Rain on my Parade" was quite possibly the best version of it he'd ever heard sung by someone else who wasn't Barbara Streisand. Her voice sent chills down his spine and he was surprised a few weeks later when he ran into her at the music store, perusing through stacks of sheet music until she found the one she was looking for.

After singing with her in the music store he realized that the walls he'd worked so hard on building over the past four years had started crumbling down…all because of Rachel Berry.

The same Rachel Berry who, apparently, was Shelby's daughter. The girl that he'd started to fall for was his mentor's daughter, and when Shelby asked him to get closer to her so that he could help the two reunite he knew hw couldn't say no because of how much Shelby had helped him his whole life. So he had lied to Rachel and transferred to McKinley, knowing that whatever happened couldn't end well. Not for him anyway.

They hadn't even been dating for very long and he was already crazy about her, so crazy that he'd actually considered giving up Vocal Adrenalin and his solo in Bohemian Rhapsody for her. He'd admitted as such to Shelby who'd promptly threatened to take away everything he'd ever worked for if he didn't come back to Carmel so he did as he was told, reluctantly, and broke the heart of the one girl he'd ever truly loved.

…breaking his own heart, which he hadn't known he'd had, in the process.

**AN: **Just a little insight into Jesse's mind frame, and what he was like in high school. I loved writing Jesse in high school, I even thought about maybe having Jesse and Lane have a small thing but I don't know…what do you think? Actually no, that would be weird. Also, i've been awarded the best overall story in MissEllie's St Berry writing contest, so as a special treat the next chapter will be up tomorrow morning before I go to class!


	15. Taking Chances

Chapter Fifteen: Taking Chances

0-0

_I just want to start again,  
And maybe you could show me how to try,  
And maybe you could take me in,  
Somewhere underneath your skin?_

What do you say to taking chances,  
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below  
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,  
What do you say,  
What do you say?

0-0

Rachel had been anticipating this day more than she'd anticipated anything before. She'd been hoping and praying every single day that Jesse would come back to her and that he'd wake up and everything would be perfectly okay and they would make it through. She was standing outside the window of his hospital room lost in her thoughts when she heard footsteps approaching from behind her. She was unsurprised when she saw that it was Quinn and she smiled hesitantly before falling into the other girl's embrace. She didn't cry this time but she held on to the blonde teenager for a few moments as they stood before the entrance to Jesse's hospital room. He was either sleeping or unconscious again, she wasn't sure, but she was still hesitant to go inside. She knew that when he woke up and saw her there that he probably was going to be either really angry or really happy, and she wasn't sure which. She didn't know what she would do if he rejected her and their children, it would be painful beyond belief.

…even though she deserved it.

After a few moments both girls worked up the courage to enter the room as Rachel took the chair and Quinn sat on the edge of the bed, both of them watching the steady rise and fall of Jesse's chest as he took breaths on his own. Rachel had never realized how mesmerizing it was to simply watch someone breathe until that moment, and she was so thankful that she'd gotten the chance to experience it. She sat there for what felt like hours, just holding his hand and singing lightly under her breath, before Quinn excused herself and said that she was going to go get coffee. Now alone with him, Rachel desperately wished that he would wake up and she expressed as such out loud, not surprised when her words did nothing to effect the boy in front of her. Before she knew it her heavy eyed were closing and she was slumping forwards in her chair into a restless state of slumber.

_She sat by the side of his bed and held his hand as he continued to breathe, every single move he made causing her to have a mini panic attack. She was so afraid that at any moment he'd slip away before she got to tell him everything, before they got to really have their chance, so she was very much on edge. She kissed his hand lightly before starting to sing their song, Hello by Lionel Ritchie, and was almost completely through with the song when her hand was wrenched away from his. She turned to look at him in astonishment as she nursed her hand, which had been twisted a strange way when he'd separated them. His eyes were cool and lifeless and he looked as if he hadn't slept in a hundred years, which was pretty much the opposite since he'd been in a coma. His face was twisted into a disgusted sneer and he looked like he wanted to hit something, and she wondered what it was that was making him feel such disdain._

"_What the fuck is she doing here?" He spat out, looking towards the door. She followed his gaze and saw that he was focused on Quinn who had returned with the coffee._

"_Quinn has been—"_

"_Shut up." He snapped at her, silencing her with a cool gaze. "I meant why are you here."_

"_I'm h-here because I love you. Where else would I be?" Her mouth started to tremble as his harsh words burnt her ears._

"_Some love…you left me here to die." He whispered raggedly, turning away from her before looking back towards her with hate radiating from her eyes. "You took away everything and you left me with nothing. I don't want you anymore…I want you to leave."_

"_B-but Jesse…please, let me ex—"_

"_I don't want to hear your explanations!" He shouted hoarsely, voice still not as strong as it had been since it hadn't been used in so long. "Get out of my life!"_

"_I c-cant." She said with a sob, practically falling onto the bed as she pleaded with him to reconsider. "I'm pregnant."_

"_So? I don't care. I don't want you Rachel, so I sure as hell don't want your children." Then he pushed her away from the bed and she felt herself falling…and falling…and falling into a pit of despair._

She awoke with a start and could feel the hysteria overcoming her as she closed her eyes and counted to twenty, attempting to regain her composure. When she opened her eyes she felt her heart stop as she looked into the brilliant eyes of Jesse St. James, who was looking back at her like he was seeing a ghost. She opened her mouth to say something but he beat her to it, gasping as he struggled to form words. Before she knew what was happening alarms were going off and she had been pushed out of the way as the doctor rushed towards Jesse, muttering something about a panic attack. Rachel pressed her body into the wall as she saw the doctors trying to calm down Jesse who was starting to resemble more like a deer in the headlights than the confident man she'd fallen for before. She was escorted out of the room by a nurse and almost instantly after she left the room Jesse had calmed down and the monitors returned to normal.

"What happened?" Rachel asked the doctor when he came out of the room, looking tired and pained. The doctor gave her a pitying look and ran a hand through his hair before answering her question.

"Seeing you triggered a panic attack in Jesse, which was what just happened back there. While he's in the early process of recuperation we feel that it's best for you to stay your distance, at least for now. His health and safety is our main concern right now and we don't want anything to jeopardize that." She managed to nod as the doctor walked away towards the nurses' station and she slumped to the floor, arms encircling her knees as she brought them up to her chin.

Jesse had freaked out so badly, had been so scared…because of _her_.

He was afraid of her very presence!

She could feel her tears threatening to overcome her as she struggled to maintain her composure, nearly crumbling when she saw Quinn come around the corner with the cups of coffee. Quinn gave a cup to Rachel and listened as she explained everything before saying that she was going to go try to see Jesse. Rachel thanked her weakly and cradled the warm beverage in her hand, hoping that Quinn would have better look getting through to Jesse than she had.

It couldn't be that hard, considering Quinn hadn't been the one to obliterate his heart into a thousand pieces. Nope, that had been all her…and she had no idea how she was going to start to fix it.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

__The moment Jesse opened his eyes he knew everything was wrong. The fact that he was still alive was inclination enough, but seeing Rachel Berry sitting by his bed side pretty much reinforced it. He honestly wasn't even surprised that he'd managed to fail at ending his life considering that he'd pretty much failed at everything as of late. He'd never imagined what he would do if he managed to endure the ordeal; this was out of his element. He could feel his chest tightening as Rachel opened her eyes and looked deep into his and he knew instantly that he needed her to leave. He couldn't have her in the room with him because he knew that she would be disappointed in him, maybe even repulsed, and he couldn't handle seeing the disappointment on her beautiful face. When she finally left the room and he managed to calm down he told the doctor to keep her out, and when she didn't come back in after ten minutes he figured she was actually going to listen for once in her life. He had finally managed to calm himself down to a slow breathing pattern and was almost asleep again when he heard someone come in and sit down in the chair next to his bed. His eyes opened wide and he opened his mouth to tell them to get out until he saw who it was, and he visibly sunk down into the bed.

"Quinn." He said softly, pain seeping into his voice. He could tell from the look on her face that she was going to have it, probably scream at him or hit him, but when she burst into tears instead he had no idea what to do.

"You are a_ fucking_ asshole." She managed to get out past her sobs, smacking him on the arm. "What were you thinking?"

"You don't understand." He said weakly, knowing that he had no valid excuse for doing the things that he'd done. He could almost see now where he'd deviated from the path of his life and he could practically see the forbidden fruit, aka Rachel Berry, temping Adam and Eve, aka him. He knew it was a weak metaphor but he couldn't think of any other way to explain it that would make sense to anyone else but him.

"Then make me understand." He realized at that point that she was not going to let him bullshit around his answers, and he cleared his throat and got her to pass him the glass of water on the bedside table before attempting to explain.

"I met my soul mate." He said quietly, voice trailing off as he got caught up in the memories. Thinking about Rachel always made him feel nostalgic and it wasn't long before his mind was enraptured with the past, the present falling behind as the memory engulfed him.

_Jesse had met Rachel in the music store three days ago, and already she plagued every single waking thought of his mind. All he could think about was the way her voice had melded perfectly with his, and how her emotional range singing with him seemed two thousand times more passionate than when she'd sang her duet with Frankenteen at their Sectional's a few months back. He could remember the way her sweater had clung in just the right places, and how her hair had been loose and smelled like some kind of Berry that he couldn't put a name to. He'd spent the entire duration of their parting planning what he would do and say next time he saw her, and when Friday night finally came around he found that, for the first time in what felt like forever, he actually felt nervous. It was at times like that he actually wished that his parents were around more, because he would have actually liked to hear their input on what he planned to do with Rachel. He'd never had a real girlfriend, he didn't count any of the Vocal Adrenaline girls he'd "dated" girlfriends, and he almost wanted to do the juvenile "meet the parents" ordeal at some point. _

_He pictured introducing Rachel to Shelby, who was pretty much the only parent he'd ever known, and it brought a smile to his face as he pictured Shelby trying to recruit the brunette for Vocal Adrenalin. He could only imagine how spectacular Vocal Adrenalin would be if they replaced their current female lead with Rachel; they would be unstoppable when it came to the competitions. After rehearsal on Friday he left the auditorium and hopped into his range rover, hoping that the number he'd texted had been the right one. It had taken a lot of persuasion and activities, some that weren't exactly above board, to procure her phone number and he hoped that the stupid imbecile he'd had to associate with had given him the right number. He was satisfied and content to see that she'd texted him back her address and he sped over to her house and picked her up. When he knocked on the door and she opened it wide, he knew instantly that she had not been the one to pick her outfit out. He gave her a curious look as he took in her outfit, thinking to himself that she should consider dressing as such more often. She was wearing an aqua colored dress with a boat neck and short chiffon draped sleeves. There were crystal embellished epaulets with a triangle cut out on the back with a bubble hem and it was shirred along the sides. It fit her like a glove and he could feel his mouth getting dry as he took her in, wondering where she'd been hiding that body all of her life. She blushed furiously and asked if he wanted to come in but he told her he had other plans for them, and he took her by the hand and led her to the range rover. He helped her in and then climbed into the driver's side before hitting the highway._

_They bantered on their way to their destination and he couldn't help but notice how much they had in common. They both agreed that Spring Awakening was quite possibly the best musical ever written and had been shut down way before its time, and that such musical's like Spamalot and Shrek the Musical were just commercializing the world of theatre. He found that he enjoyed her complete dissection of every single Barbara Streisand song in existence, and for once in his life he was more interested in hearing her talk than hearing himself. When they reached their destination he was almost hesitant to end their conversation but they he had planned a pretty spectacular evening that he was determined to see through. He led her into the restaurant and he gave his name at the front door as the maitr'd led them to their table. The restaurant was gloriously decorated and it looked like it would be a really fancy and expensive restaurant with food items that have unpronounceable names, but it really wasn't. Although some items of the menu were vastly overpriced, the majority of the food were common things like burgers and etc, and there was another reason that he enjoyed going there so much._

_It was open mic, but a more talented and upscale version. The people that preformed at the restaurant had to be talented and before they were even allowed to get near the microphone they had to pass a series of vocal tests to ensure that their "talent" was not going to make any ears bleed. He tried to go there at least once a week, considering half the wait staff to be friendlier towards him than any of his family, and every week he would perform a mini concert for all the patrons of the restaurant. They had tried to pay him many times for his concerts but he always refused, claiming that it was his way of giving back to the community. In turn they refused to let him pay for his meals, and he was okay with that. As they ordered their meals he was surprised to see that Rachel was a vegan, and he was also surprised to his reaction to it. He had been a vegetarian for as long as he could remember, having once watched a documentary on TV at the tender age of four about chicken farms and had been unable to eat anything meat ever since. He had never considered being Vegan, partly because he enjoyed milk products a little too much, but he found it very alluring that she was that dedicated to her well being. The conversation continued well into the dinner and when they were finished their food he found that he knew almost as much about her life as he did about his own, and her life was just as exciting as his was. They had both been in pageants and competitions at young ages, and they both understand just how important winning truly was. Anyone who said that it was just about playing was obviously a loser, because winning was essential to survival. He often felt that if he didn't have the approval of everyone around him he would just shrivel up and die, and he was intrigued to find that Rachel felt pretty much the same way that he did. He surprisingly found himself opening up to her and before he knew it his name was called, and he pulled her to her feet. She looked surprised but she smiled and followed him up the piano, smiling brilliantly when she saw the song that he had selected for them to sing._

"_Hello Twelve."_

"_Hello Thirteen."_

"_Hello, Love."_

_They sang the song together and had a blast doing it. When the song came to an end everyone clapped and they sang along to a few popular songs that were on the request list, and before he knew it 10 o'clock had appeared and he had to take her home. The drive back to her house was spent in comfortable silence and when they arrived he walked her to her door and she, surprisingly, kissed him quickly on the lips. Never once had a girl made the first move when he'd been with them and he found it refreshing, so refreshing that he pulled her into his arms and gave her a deep and passionate kiss as her arms snaked around his neck and her fingers tangled up in his hair. After a few seconds he pulled away from the kiss and bade her goodnight before walking back to the range rover. He gave her one last look before smiling and driving away, already texting her to figure out when their next date would be._

"…and?"

He was jolted out of the memory by Quinn's probing question, and he realized that he'd completely dazed out in the middle of their conversation. Generally he would have been apologetic but he honestly didn't feel like apologizing, so he didn't.

"It was like finding someone who was the other half of me, the Wendla to my Melchior if you will. I honestly loved her Quinn, even if no one believes me. It was like—"he struggled to find the words to express his inner melancholia but came up with nothing, so he abandoned that train of thought. "Imagine being granted the one thing that you ever wanted in your entire life, the one thing that made everything else okay, and then having it ripped away from you. Imagine the pain, the anguish, the agony…and then ask me why I did it."

"I don't understand…?"

"Have you ever loved somebody so much that even just being with them makes it hard to breathe? That was what it was like every single day I was at McKinley. She was the sunlight in my otherwise dark world, and I wasn't her knight in shining armor. She didn't even give me a chance to explain myself, explain why I'd done it, even after she knew the entire truth about Vocal Adrenalin, Shelby, and everything. She just left town without a word and moved on with her life. It was as if I'd never existed…and that pain is irrefutable. I've endured it so many times that I thought I could do it again, but when it all came down to it she was really all I had left."

"You had Shelby." She said quietly, grasping his hand in hers. He moved to remove it from her grasp but she just tightened his hold, refusing to allow him to do so. "And you had me."

"My relationship with Shelby is...complex. While she may have practically raised me, the truth of the matter is that I am not her son. She has no reason to be there for me so it wasn't unexpected when she took Rachel's side of things…but it hurt nonetheless. I may seem like a robotic person but I have feelings just like everyone else, even though people don't seem to realize that. When Shelby adopted Beth I could see the love radiating from her eyes and I realized that I'd never had that, no one had ever looked at me that way…" He trailed off and looked away as a tear trickled down his cheek. He cursed himself for being weak and allowing the clever façade he'd spent a lifetime trying to construct to fall apart and he wondered why exactly he was explaining himself to someone who really wasn't even his friend.

"And you, you aren't really my friend Quinn…we both know that."

"You didn't give me the chance. You just…went away."

"It was for the best."

"Obviously not, considering it landed you here." She said sharply, not liking the direction that this conversation was heading.

"I think you should go." He said quietly, refusing to meet her eyes. She gave him a defiant look before standing up slowly, walking towards the door. When she got there she turned around and he reluctantly met her eyes, seeing a foreign emotion that he didn't recognize looking back at him.

"You and I are a lot alike." She said softly, looking at him straight in the eye. "But you know what? None of this matters, no matter how hard you try to fight against it, because no matter where you run, you always end up running into yourself. Don't try to escape your feelings Jesse, embrace them. People care about you…_I_ care about you…but you just can't see it. Open your eyes, and you'll see that the feelings you've been looking for, that sense of belonging…it's been here all along."

He stared at the doorway long after she was gone and he couldn't help but wonder if what she was saying was true. Had he been so blinded by his own misery that he'd missed out on relationships that could have genuine? Had he lost all semblances of contact because he'd been so absorbed in his own melancholia?

He wasn't sure…and he was more perplexed now than ever before.


	16. Circle the Drain

Chapter Sixteen: Circle the Drain

**AN: **This chapter is dedicated to every single person who has reviewed this story, because I have…120 reviews! I am so excited by the response that this story has received, and I hope you guys like this chapter!

0-0

_Had the world in the palm of your hands,  
But you fucking choked _

0-0

Rachel managed to stay away from the hospital for three days before her resolve cracked and she had to return, even if it was just to sit in the hallway outside of his room. It pained her that he still refused to see her but while he was still recovering from the internal injuries he'd sustained in the accident, they couldn't take the risk of letting her in there to see him. Both her fathers had been in to see him as well as Quinn and even Finn, but she and Shelby were the only two so far that had been black listed. When Shelby had gone in to see him they'd gotten into a heated yelling match and the doctor's had needed to sedate Jesse in order to get him calmed down. Rachel didn't know what had happened but she could only assume that it hadn't gone well. Rachel had thought that Jesse being in a coma would be the most trying period of her life but now that he was awake and unwilling to even see her, she couldn't help but think that comparatively, comatose Jesse had been easier to deal with. At least comatose Jesse hadn't been able to send her away like this Jesse had. She hated the fact that she could sometimes see him through the window, conversing with her parents or Finn and Quinn, laughing and smiling like nothing was wrong. At almost five months pregnant Rachel was learning that her patience was ever worse than it had been before, and she was about ready to either throttle him or rush in there and demand that he talk to her because what he was doing was just immature.

She stood up and headed towards the room, determined to make him see her, when Finn burst through the door and grabbed her by the arm. He started pulling her down the hallway and she tried to put up a fight but was unable to combat against his gangly limbs and determined pace. He dragged her down to the communal lounge and pulled her down onto the love seat, holding her there when she tried to get away.

"Let me go, Finn." She practically growled, swatting at his arm pathetically. He tried his best not to laugh at her because they needed to have a serious conversation, whether she wanted to or not.

"Rach, I'm sorry but…you need to stop doing this." He ran a hand through his hair awkwardly and watched as the smaller brunette's face crumpled and she burst out into tears. He couldn't help but feel that every time he talked to her she ended up crying, but he decided to blame it on the pregnancy hormones because back when Quinn had been pregnant she'd been like totally crazy and whatever.

"I can't!" She cried out, getting more theatrical by the second. "I love him, and if you've temporarily forgotten…we're having babies together." She frowned at him when he sighed and rolled his eyes, and for a second he wondered if she was going to hit him.

"He doesn't want to see you, and I know you're pregnant and whatever…but he almost died. Can't you just respect his wishes for like a few days? Give him some time to get over it?"

"How do you suppose he's going to get over trying to _kill himself_?" Rachel asked darkly, scowling at Finn. She knew he was dumb…but seriously? "People don't just randomly do it, Finn. It takes a lot of sadness and depression to get to the point where you want to end your life…I read about it online. He obviously has had these feelings building up inside of him for awhile and he needs to talk it out, find out why he did it and how we can stop it from happening again."

"He is talking about it." Finn said uneasily, not wanting to hurt Rachel's feelings. "Just um…not with you?"

Rachel burst out into tears again at this, and Finn started to wonder if maybe he should just never speak, because all he ever seemed to do was make girl's cry.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"When do I get to leave?" Jesse asked the doctor in annoyance as the idiotic intern tried, unsuccessfully, to draw blood for the fifth time. He was so close to screaming and storming out of the hospital that he didn't know what he would do if anyone even dared to say anything remotely condescending and pitying to him at the moment. The nurses had started out being all nice to him and he'd flirted with them out of habit, but even they were starting to irk him now. He was ready to go home and get back to life, no matter how shitty it may or may not be, because at least it would be better than being at the hospital where Rachel Berry was lurking around the corner somewhere. He wanted to see her more than he'd wanted to see anyone, but he knew that the second he saw her again all of the feelings he'd felt before she left would resurface, and it would make the inevitable separation that much more painful and he knew that he would never survive it a second time.

He had barely survived it the first time.

He had to admit that the thought of relapsing into his Rachel Berry addiction was so tempting, he wanted to get her in the room and tell her was wrong and that he loved her and then they would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. He knew that the second he did that he would lose all control of his emotions and everything he'd felt before the accident, all the anger, fear, loathing, and hatred, would resurface and it would slowly rip her apart. She was full of happiness and joy, the light to his dark, and there was no way he could ever bring someone as perfect as her into his depressive sham of a life. That was why he had to somehow find the strength and resolve to forget about her, at least until he got out of the hospital and fell back into his old habits. He was no saint, he knew that things weren't going to change just because he'd had a near death experience. If there was anything he'd learned from this little experiment it was just that he would have to be more secretive and cautious about being caught if he wanted to continue slowly self destructing.

…and if he didn't have Rachel in his life, what other choice was there?

"Today is the last day of your suicide watch." The doctor said casually, almost as if he was telling Jesse what was on the menu for lunch. "Then you will have to voluntarily check yourself into the rehabilitation clinic here at the hospital where you'll be staying for the next three months."

"…And if I chose not to check myself in 'voluntarily'?" He asked snarkily, casting a dark look in the direction of the doctor.

"Then you go to jail, since you're over 18 and you would be tried and convicted for drug possession, reckless endangerment and…need I continue?" The doctor said firmly, meeting Jesse's dark look with a serious look of his own. Jesse gulped and shook his head before taking the paper work for the rehab and signing it with a flourish, feeling slightly dejected. As if the doctor could sense his change in disposition he suggested they send in his visitors and he reluctantly agreed to see them, expecting either Samuel and David or Quinn and Finn. He was floored when the person that came in was quite possibly the last person he ever expected to see in his hospital room.

"Mom?" He asked incredulously, surprised that she'd actually come to see him.

"Jesse." She said coolly, giving him a once over as he lay in the big bed. He felt like she was judging him and he looked away when she looked at the bandages around his wrist, scoffing.

"All of this over a girl?"

"Mom…this wasn't all about Rach—"

"I don't care." She snapped crossly, glaring at her son. "Do you know how this makes your father and I look? A drug addict son who tries to kill himself? It's mortifying. I had to cancel my Parisian full body scrub to come back and deal with your shenanigans."

"I'm sorry I interrupted your busy schedule." He said, trying not to let the hurt sink into his voice. He had been idiotic to assume that his mother had actually cared about his well being. She had never given a shit about him before, why would she suddenly start now?

"As you should be." She sighed and smoothed out a crease in her skirt, refusing to meet his eyes. "However this is a very…_difficult_ situation, and your father and I feel it would be best if were _uninvolved _with all aspects of your life from now on out."

"Mom…what are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that your father and I want nothing to do with you, Jesse. You are an embarrassment to the St. James legacy, and now that you're not going to UCLA…"

"So that's it. One mistake and I'm not your son anymore?"

"Don't make this harder than it already is." He could barely look her in the eye and he could fear heat rising up in his cheeks as he bit back all of the angry responses that were floating around in his mind. There was no point uttering any of them because she was so fixated on herself that they wouldn't go anywhere, they would just make things worse for him. As he watched her walk out of his hospital room with her held high he wondered how someone like her could've ever given birth to a baby. A mother was supposed to hold their baby in their arms and fall in love with it instantly, vowing to never let anything happen to it. His mother was the complete opposite of that, and he could feel the tears that were gathering in his eyes but he refused to let them fall because that would mean that she would've won, and that she would've taken the last thing he owned in this life with her when she left.

His dignity.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Quinn wasn't trying to eavesdrop but when a strange woman she'd never seen before had gone into Jesse's room without saying a word to anyone around, she had been slightly worried. From what she could hear from the other room, she'd been right to be worried. Fury was rising up inside of her as she heard the hurtles and untrue words that the bitch of a woman was saying to her son. She wanted nothing more than to wrench the door open and strangle the life out of the woman who dared lay claim to Jesse, but she knew that it would only make things worse so she waited until the woman was walking out of the room before cornering her.

"How can you say such things?" She asked angrily, shoving the woman backwards when she tried to pass her. Gertrude St. James scowled and straightened her clothes before regarding the teenager before her with disgust, like she didn't deserve to breathe the same air as her.

"I don't know who you are." The bitch said with a sneer as she tried to get past Quinn. "…but my relationship with Jesse is none of your business. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a plane to catch."

"Your son is lying in a hospital bed…what is wrong with you?" Quinn gasped out in confusion, not understanding how any kind of mother could leave while their son was in such a state of turmoil.

"I don't know what you're talking about." The woman replied stoically, walking past Quinn and down the hallway. "I don't have a son."

Quinn had never wanted to hit any one more than she wanted to hit Mrs. St. James at that moment but she was saved from having to experience it by something more terrifying than the idea of going to jail for battery and assault.

Rachel was standing at the end of the hallway, and had presumably heard their entire conversation.

This could not end well.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Rachel could remember anger very well, for she'd experienced it many times in her life. She had been furious when she'd realized that Finn had kissed her while still dating, and she had even been angry when she'd realized that her birth mother would never be able to fully step into the role of doting mother that she'd always wanted her to. Those moments in her life had been unbearable and she thought she'd never get over the anger, that it would always be the angriest moments in her life…but she had been wrong.

She had never been as angry as she was in the moment, and she seriously wondered if she had it in her to slap someone older than her.

"How dare you." She managed to growl out, approaching the older woman slowly. She took in the woman before her from a critical stand point, noticing instantly that Jesse had inherited his eyes from the woman in front of him. However she noted two critical differences between the two sets of eyes as Jesse's were full of compassion and love and the woman in front of him had eyes that looked like clumps of coal, cold and unfeeling. Her hair was a platinum blond color and her clothes were as pristine as the white walls of the hospital. Immaturely, Rachel couldn't help but wonder what Jesse's mother would look like dripping wet from a slushy attack.

"Little girl, you don't know who you're talking to. So I suggest you get out of my way." Rachel's mouth dropped open in shock as the older woman pushed her out of the way. She whirled around and grabbed Jesse's mom by the wrist, not knowing how forcefully she'd done it until the other woman was practically in her face.

"I want to know how you can do it. How you can look your own flesh and blood in the face and say that you don't love them." She was faintly crying as her hand was hovering on her stomach, thinking of her own children, and she noticed within a few seconds that she'd made a mistake. Jesse's mom's eyes had widened dramatically and her frown had slid into an even more pronounced grimace as she started to laugh dramatically.

"When Jesse fucks up, he really fucks up." She said sardonically, eyeing Rachel's stomach with distaste. "First a suicide attempt and now a bastard child? Jesus. And you wonder why we don't want him anymore?"

"I'll have you know th—"

"Listen up, little girl. Just because you're carrying his bastard child, that doesn't give you a right to talk to me. If I were you I'd head to the clinic and get rid of…it, because carrying a St. James baby never did anyone any good. I should've taken my own advice 18 years ago, but I ran out of time. Don't make my mistake." Rachel could barely stand to look at the woman in front of her as she walked away and out the doors. Rachel turned to look at Quinn and they exchanged glances that said the exact same thing.

How had Jesse managed to become the loving, kind, friendly, charismatic guy he was with demons for parents?

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN:** Yep, Jesse's parents suck. This chapter was slow rolling, but it's almost four in the morning and I'm tired so it's going to be a short one. XD the next one should be longer!


	17. Love The Way You Lie

Chapter Seventeen: Love the Way you Lie

**AN: **Ignore that crazy authors note, stress related insanity is my plea. I re-watched the first season episodes with Groff & Spring Awakening and suffice to say, my inspiration has returned and this story is well on its way to the finish and there's actually a SEQUEL being planned!

I also want to thank the reader who noticed some continuity errors in chapter thirteen, it's all fixed now!

0-0

_Now I know we said things  
Did things  
That we didn't mean  
And we fall back  
Into the same patterns  
Same routine  
But your temper's just as bad  
As mine is  
__**You're the same as me**__  
But when it comes to love  
You're just as blinded  
Baby please come back  
It wasn't you  
Baby it was me  
Maybe our relationship  
Isn't as crazy as it seems  
Maybe that's what happens  
__**When a tornado meets a volcano  
**__All I know is  
I love you too much  
To walk away though_

0-0

Jesse had always thought that the first time he'd have to move all of his belongings would be to a dorm room in California as he prepared for the start of his career. He never would've found himself writing down all the things in his room that he would want to have with him and giving it in a list to Quinn Fabray, as he wasn't allowed anywhere near his house for the next 90 days. Not that it was really his house anymore, considering his parents had probably gone home and changed the locks before heading out on their next cruise or vacation or wherever it was that they were always disappearing. He could lie and say that he didn't care about the fact that they didn't want to acknowledge his existence but he didn't have the energy to even try, it was all just so…_ghastly. _He knew that they had always been below average parents but he hadn't expected them to actually go so far as to remove him from their lives completely, they'd always been a constant he'd thought he'd have due to obligation. He refused to let it hover on his mind for too long because, really, what could he do about it? He was going to be immersed in a 24/7 rehabilitation facility with his only contact to the outside world being Quinn and Finn, and maybe the Berry men, so what good would it really do to spend his last free moments thinking about people who obviously weren't thinking about him?

He sighed and reclined on the bed, wincing when one of the cuts on his arms brushed against the side of the bed. On good days he could almost completely forget that the cuts were even there, that he was in the hospital for a reason, but then he would remember and all the pain would come whirling back and slap him in the face. He still hadn't made any attempts to make amends with the people he'd hurt by doing what he did. He knew that he at least owed Quinn an apology, because she really did make the effort to help him, and maybe Finn but he just didn't feel like doing it at the moment. All he really felt like doing, in all honestly, was hitting up the closest party and scoring some of the best drugs money could buy. He wasn't sure when it had happened, but somewhere along the way he'd become almost dependant on the drugs for daily survival, and he was slightly apprehensive about what would happen when they weaned him off the pain medication and he had to go cold turkey. He could do it of course, that certainly wasn't an issue, it was just a matter of whether he really wanted to do. He could feel the ache in his body that practically screamed in agony, craving the drugs that had brought it to peace. It was lurking under the surface and he was afraid what would happen when he finally gave in to it.

A knock on his door drug him out of his thoughts and when he looked up he felt his heart wrench in his chest.

Rachel Berry was standing in his doorway.

Thankfully for his heart, it had been almost two weeks since he'd first woken up and seeing her didn't present the same gripping panic attack it had before, although he did feel his breathing become slightly more difficult when he took her in. She was wearing what was quite possibly the bulkiest over coat he'd ever seen in his entire life, a strange feat in itself considering it was summer, with what could only be described as _yoga pants_. The fact that she was wearing anything besides a sweater, short skirt, and knee socks was strange enough…let alone the random outfit that she seemed to have decided to wear. He knew that he was staring but he found that he couldn't stop as she came in and stood at the end of the bed, as if she didn't know whether or not it was okay for her to be in there or not.

He hoped that she didn't ask, because he honestly wasn't sure what his answer would be.

Yes, he loved her…but that didn't change the fact that whenever he looked at her all he could think about was everything that had happened between them, and what had happened in the months they were separated. She hadn't wanted anything to do with him before but now that he was in the hospital she suddenly cared about him? No. Jesse St. James didn't do pity, especially not from Rachel Berry.

"Aren't you supposed to be in New York?" He said tightly, not even blinking when she seemed to cringe under his scrutiny. Normally he would feel guilty about acting so cold towards her but he just couldn't help it, there was something about her that was driving him crazy. Her very presence practically made his blood burn, in a good way, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her in his arms and kiss her.

"Jesse—"

He held up his hand, motioning for her to be silent, and closed his eyes tightly. He counted to ten before reopening them and swiveled his head to look at her, taking a good look at the woman in front of him. She looked exhausted, like she hadn't slept in a week, and it didn't look as if New York had done any good for her. From a critical standpoint it looked like she had been drug through hell and back, and had picked up a box of Krispy Kreme donuts on the way back. She wasn't overweight or anything but he couldn't help but notice that her chest, which had always been slightly smaller than average, seemed to have expanded and that her waist looked slightly larger than it had before she left. Her mere presence still made his heart flutter and he couldn't help but notice how the air seemed to crackle before them, their chemistry too undeniable for even the laws of science to overcome.

"It doesn't matter." He said heavily, turning away from her and towards the window. He couldn't do this while looking her in the eye, he just couldn't. It was going to be devastating enough just saying the words out loud but he knew that he would have to do it if he wanted to make it out of the situation alive. His heart couldn't take any more abuse.

"But—"

"_Rachel_."

He could feel her stare on him but he refused to meet her eyes, instead looking past her face and towards the door where he could see the silhouette of a person leaning against the door. Normally this would have caused him to say something smart and sarcastic about voyeurism, but he needed to get the past off of his chest.

"I need you to leave."

"Is this a bad time? I can come back later and—"

"No. I don't want you to come back. I don't want you here at all."

She seemed to not know what to say to this as her mouth opened and closed a few times before she shut it firmly, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Jesse, we have to talk about this."

"Rachel, please…"

"…or we could sing about it?"

He almost laughed in desperation as she threw his own line back at him, pleading with her eyes for him to hear her out. He knew that he couldn't do that because if he did, if he let her back in again, he would never be able to get past the betrayal that would inevitably come. Loving someone like Rachel Berry was a lot of work and he wasn't sure he was up to the battle anymore; he would leave it to someone else who wouldn't hurt and be hurt by her.

"I don't want to see you." He said bluntly, pretending to be completely unaware of the tears that had welled up in her eyes as he spoke. "I don't want to talk to you, and I definitely don't want to sing with you. I think it would be better for both of us if you just bowed out graciously, don't make it harder than it has to be."

"I'm s-sorry." She blurted out as the tears started to spill over her cheeks, dripping down her face as her lip quivered. "I don't—"

"It's over. Just…walk awa_y_" His voice broke at the end of the word and he mentally cursed himself when she seemed to pick up on it, approaching the bed with caution.

"Please, Jesse." She pleaded, grasping his hand in hers. He tried to wrench it away from her but her grasp was stronger than he'd expected and he found himself unable to do so. "_Please. _I lov—"

"Don't say it." He yelped, recoiling from her touch as if she was a poison. "Don't say it, don't lie to me…I won't be played for a fool. Get out!"

"I'm not lying." She practically screeched. "I l-love you so much th—"

"Bullshit!" He shouted, getting right up in her face as she seemed to recoil from him ever so slightly. He knew that he was probably scaring her but he was getting worked up and emotional and he couldn't stop the words that were falling from his lips. "If you loved me you wouldn't have _left me_ when I needed you the most…when I loved you, more than I've ever loved anything!" He knew that there were tears running down his cheeks but he couldn't wipe them away, he needed to get everything off of his chest. "You were everything, Rachel. _Everything! _And you wouldn't even give me the time of day, after everything we'd been through!"

"Did you forget that you egged me?" She cried out harshly, wiping away the tears with the side of her hand. "I didn't, and you didn't even try to explain it to me."

"…because I couldn't! I couldn't do anything until after graduation because Shelby made me sign a contract. You know this, and I know you know this because she told me that she told you, so don't play me like a fiddle Rachel…it isn't very becoming of you."

"She said—"

"That I said I liked you, that I hadn't expected it to happen, and that I _didn't want to go back to Carmel_?" He was shouting now, and he could tell that they were going to draw an audience but he didn't care. "I didn't have a choice, placing at National's was my guarantee for UCLA, and you and I both know I couldn't just give that up! You wouldn't have done it for me and I wouldn't have expected you to. I would have given you the chance to explain yourself, to tell me that you were sorry and that you regretted it and that you had your _fucking_ reasons. I wouldn't have run off to New York like some scared little child who wanted to run away from all her problems."

"You don't—"

"I don't what, Rachel? I don't understand? I think I understand better than anyone else could…considering it's my life. You got scared and you ran away, and then you decided that I wasn't worth taking a chance on. That what we had wasn't worth fighting for…and you know what? Maybe it wasn't."

She was staring at him with her mouth agape and he wondered instantly if he'd gone too far.

"You don't know the first thing about me." She said as her voice rose in octaves. "You're sitting there judging me, but at least I'm not the one who decided to pick up a drug habit because a girl wouldn't return my phone calls!"

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

She knew she'd gone too far with the last sentence as his features seemed to glaze over with an icy sheen, cold and unfeeling. She knew that the conversation was over now and that no matter what else she said, or what she'd already said, all he would remember about the encounter was the last thing she'd said. It rang throughout her head as she sputtered and tried to take it back.

"I-I'm s-sorry I d-idn't m-mean it." She tried to get near the bed but he backed away from her.

"Get out of my room."

"Jesse, w-wait…I—"

"Get. Out."

His voice was so cold and unfeeling, like she was a complete stranger to him. She looked at him one last time before racing out of the room and into the hallway where she didn't hesitate even once before running out through the doors and into the parking lot. She fell out the doors, crying heavily, as she faltered mid step and fell to the ground with a crash. She lay on the ground in the middle of the parking lot, clutching her middle as the tears cascaded down her cheeks. She cried so hard that she found herself throwing up violently, praying and wishing that the ground would just open up and swallow her whole.

"Are you okay?"

She looked up through her swollen eyelids and saw Noah Puckerman standing before her looking very awkward and uncomfortable.

"What?" she snapped.

"I just wanted to know if you wanted a ride home…" He looked around as if he was waiting for someone else to come out and offer the poor girl a ride, but he somehow got the feeling that he was going to be the only one.

"Yes, thank you Noah." She managed to calm down relatively quickly as he helped her to his feet and guided her to his car with his arm around her waist to steady her. He helped her into his truck and climbed into the driver's side, glancing at her out of the side of his eye every few minutes.

"What are you staring at?"

"Sorry you just…you have some, well, vomit in your hair. And it's totally disgusting."

"What a perfect way to end such a picture perfect day."

"So your chat with St. Douche…I mean Jesse, didn't go well?"

"Understatement." She sighed and folded her hands in her lap absently, noticing that she'd apparently spilled some ketchup on her pants at some point. "Remember how Finn reacted to the news about Beth not being his?"

"Yeah, that was pretty shitty."

"Times that by two, minus the punching."

"Oh. Shit."

"Yeah." She said darkly, turning to stare out the window. "Shit indeed."

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"Bravo."

She saw him look up at her and scowl darkly before returning to the papers in front of them, ripping them into shreds piece by piece. She could see the letter head at the top and she knew almost instantly that it was from UCLA, and they had revoked his scholarship to their music program.

"Get out."

"Unlike my daughter, I'm not going to let you push me away."

"I don't want to talk to you." She knew almost instantly that he really didn't want to talk to her, even look at her, but she knew that she would never be able to live with herself if she didn't try to fix the mess that she'd made in the lives of everyone around her. She had to do her best to try to fix things, if not for herself, than for the child that her baby girl was going to be having with the boy before her.

"Then don't talk, just listen." She approached the bed and took the seat next to the bed. "We need to talk about what happened in the auditorium Jesse, what was said. I don't know what…" She trailed off, not knowing what to say, as all of her thoughts raced. She wanted to tell him that she considered him to be one of the most talented young performers she'd ever seen her lifetime and that his potential was being wasted. She wanted to tell him how proud she'd been of him when they'd preformed at Regional's and he'd nailed all 6 minutes of Bohemian Rhapsody after having less than a month to learn it. She wanted to tell him how he was the son she'd always wanted and never had, but yet he'd felt like her son because she'd been there all of his life for him. She wanted to say all these things and more…but she just didn't know how to. She'd never been good with words.

So she decided to sing it.

_If I could  
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes  
Give you courage in a world of compromise  
Yes, I would  
If I could_

He looked away from her but she took a risk and grabbed his face, turning him to look straight at her. She needed to get her message across.  
_  
I would teach you all the things I've never learned  
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned  
Yes, I would  
If I could_

I would try to shield your innocence from time  
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine  
I've watched you grow  
So I could let you go  
If I could

She finished the song with tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to fall, as she looked into the eyes of the young man before her. She noticed for the first time that he looked like he'd aged twenty years, and she wondered if he would still be the same confident and lovable Jesse he had been before. She looked at him with pleading eyes and he seemed to visibly relax in the slightest, motioning for her to continue.

"I was wrong to ever get you involved with any of my…family issues and I'm _so_ sorry…but I want you to know that this isn't Rachel's fault, even if she thinks it is. I want to know that you don't blame her for this, because it isn't her—"

"I know it isn't her fault." He said calmly, barely batting an eyelash. "It's yours."


	18. I Miss You

Chapter 18: I Miss You

**AN: **Ignore that crazy authors note, stress related insanity is my plea. I re-watched the first season episodes with Groff & Spring Awakening and suffice to say, my inspiration has returned and this story is well on its way to the finish and there's actually a SEQUEL being planned!

I also want to thank the reader who noticed some continuity errors in chapter thirteen, it's all fixed now!

0-0

_Where are you and I'm so sorry  
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight  
I need somebody and always  
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime  
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders  
catching things and eating their insides  
Like indecision to call you  
And hear your voice of treason  
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight  
stop this pain tonight_

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head

I miss you.

0-0

It had been almost a week to the day that Jesse had thrown Rachel out of his hospital room, and she was honestly at the point of breaking. She had tried everything she could think of to try to get him to see her but he'd blacklisted her at the rehabilitation wing and she couldn't go in to see him until he took her name off…which she knew he would never do. She knew that he deserved to know about the baby but she couldn't let Quinn or Finn tell him because it was her right as the mother and he deserved to hear it from her. She knew it was petty but she decided that she wouldn't tell him about the baby until he agreed to see her, even if it took twelve years. Going back to school wasn't as unbearable as she'd thought it would be with Quinn, Finn, Noah, and even Kurt looking after her. It was strange but somehow the hierarchy had shifted, and glee club was almost an acceptable thing. They'd gotten four new members after the invitational and Rachel was excited to see how they would all work together. She was still really upset and demoralized about Jesse but until he decided to take a chance on her again, to give her a chance to speak, there wasn't anything she could do. She'd even tried to sneak into his room but had gotten caught by security and they threatened her with a restraining order if she didn't stop.

She hadn't been back since.

So for the time being she was going to throw herself into school and glee club; preparation for her future career on Broadway. Pregnancy aside, she still intended on completing her schooling and going to Julliard and this chapter in her life would just make her memoirs that much more interesting when they were written later on in life.

After the success at the Invitational's everyone in glee club was really excited about Sectionals, and they seemed to have an argument every practice about what they would do for their group numbers and as to who would do the ballad. The ballad was usually a solo but Mr. Schue had debated the idea of a duet because it seemed that, unlike last year, everyone seemed determined to become the vocal leads. While Rachel was undoubtedly the female lead of the group, the role of male lead seemed to have not been filled and all the guys seemed to be vying for it. Finn had a good look but his dancing and singing were not as spectacular as Rachel's and it showed, which was why Mr. Schue had decided to look outside the box for a new male lead. He'd considered Puck but knew that he didn't really have the drive to excel, which was when he decided to look at their newest members. Of the four new recruits only one of them was male, and he was new to the school. His name was Zack Hedley, and there was something about the kid that made Mr. Schue feel like he'd seen him before…like a sense of familiarity. He had no idea what it was, and he didn't know if the kid was talented at all since he'd hardly heard him sing at all. He'd had the four new recruits sing together as a group in order to cut down auditions and they'd all been on tune so they'd all gotten in. He decided them to have try outs for lead male, and he was excited when Zack decided to try out. He always loved seeing potential in kids that they weren't able to see, so he hoped that he would be able to do the same for Zack.

So to say that Rachel was surprised when she entered the choir room and saw all the boys lined up against the wall with their arms crossed was an exaggeration. She took her seat as the rest of the girls rolled in one by one and took seats, staring at the boys in front of them. Mr. Schue announced that ultimately it would be up to the girls to decide who would be the male lead, and with that he let the boys start.

Kurt went first and sang Roses Turn, which was remarkably brilliant but not masculine enough for Rachel to even consider voting him male lead. Finn went next and sang a slightly horrific version of It's all Coming back to me Now by Meatloaf, and she knew that there was no way she could handle singing opposite him anymore. He was proficient enough but his vocals needed a lot of work and maintenance, and someone singing with her needed to be flawless. Mike and Matt went next and neither one of them were overly spectacular; however she found that they were both fairly talented. She realized that she'd never actually heard them sing before and that they should have the opportunity to do more often. Artie's song was okay but it was nothing brilliant and then after him was Puck, who Rachel actually figured would end up becoming the next male lead. He sang a song that she didn't recognize but it was really good, and she could tell from the expressions on the other members of the club that they had enjoyed it as well. She started to write Puck's name down on her ballot but she was stopped in her tracks by another voice. His voice was so fluid. He was singing a song from Phantom of the Opera, she recognized that it was The Music of the Night after a few moments, and his voice sounded so flawless and clear that she found herself getting lost in it. She had never heard anyone as talented as him before, excluding herself and Jesse, and she found it to be refreshing compared to the other mediocre voices around her. She knew that she was staring but she couldn't tear her eyes away as he channeled his inner Phantom and drew the song to a close, ending on a perfect and eerie note. Everyone clapped enthusiastically when he finished and she could tell that even the other guys knew that he would be the perfect male lead.

"You're very talented." She said to him after rehearsal, catching up with him as he was leaving the room. He smiled at her and extended his hand.

"Thanks. I'm Zack."

"I know who you are." She said casually, not wanting to come off like a crazy stalker. "When you sang your song I realized who you were. You were in the Broadway production of Phantom last year, weren't you?" He seemed to blush under her stare as he nodded, muttering something about figuring that no one in Lima would ever know.

"I like to consider myself a Broadway connoisseur." She said with a smile. "I'm pretty sure I have the audio recording, your voice is more suited to the role of the Phantom than Gerard Butler ever was. However I am surprised that they chose someone so young to play the Phantom, which has never happened before. I would know, I do my research."

"I look older under the bright lights." Zack said with a shrug. "But enough about me…tell me about Rachel Berry. I've heard a lot about you; apparently you're a good singer."

"Not to brag, but I am an excellent singer." She said with a smile. "As the female lead of New Directions, I have to have a certain level of excellence under my belt. I intend to be on Broadway myself someday. I auditioned for a role in Spring Awakening a few years ago but they decided to go with a different girl, Lea Michele or something, and I decided to go forward with high school instead. The theatre will always be waiting for me, that I know for sure." He was giving her the weirdest look and it almost made her feel uncomfortable except that it was such a…safe look.

"You're really something." He said with a laugh, smiling brilliantly at her. He truly was a beautiful specimen of a man, and if she wasn't completely and irrevocably in love with Jesse she knew that she would have fallen for him instantly. As it was she was picturing how amazing their voices would sound together, not as well as hers and Jesse's did, and how they would be sure to win at Regional's with him on their side.

"Since we're going to be singing a lot together…do you want to get together and run through some song ideas some time?"

"Sure." She said enthusiastically, excited at the idea of getting to sing with someone whose talent and experience were almost as refine as her own. They decided to meet in the auditorium after school the next day to run through some song ideas and she found that she was really eager for the next day to arrive. She could envision the two of them singing Learn to be Lonely together, and she decided that she would propose they sing it together for the duet at Sectional's, providing it could be adapted into a duet. If not, she would definitely be okay with singing it alone…it was in her vocal repertoire and would be a good selection to wow the judges. With a smile on her face she practically skipped out of the choir room, running smack dab into an angry looking Finn Hudson.

"Oh, sorry, Finn." She said awkwardly, smoothing her clothes out as she righted herself. "I didn't see you there."

"How could you not see me?" He asked in confusion, not getting what she was trying to say. "I'm kind of huge."

"…never mind." She said with a sigh. "I didn't mean to run into you, but if you don't mind…" she tried to step past him but he blocked her way, folding his arms over his chest.

"What were you doing with him?" Finn asked with an unreadable expression on her face, one that made Rachel hesitant to answer his question.

"We were just talking about songs for Sectionals…not that it's really any of your business." She moved to walk away from him but he wasn't finished.

"It looked like more than that to me. It looked like you were like falling for him, or for his voice or something. And you can't do that!"

"Not that this is even relevant, but if I did like Zack there's no good reason that I couldn't go after him."

"You're pregnant."

"Really?" She snapped. "I hadn't noticed."

"With Jesse's baby."

"So I've heard."

"So you can't date anyone else."

"Why? It's not like he wants anything to do with me." She said harshly, regretting her words the instant that they flew out of her mouth. She knew that Finn would assume she had a thing for Zack and she wasn't surprised when his mouth flew open in shock.

"You like him."

"I do not."

"I can totally see it. You love St James, but you totally have a weird talent crush on this guy."

"Shut up." She knew she was blushing and she looked away, refusing to allow Finn to see the shame in her eyes.

"I don't like it."

She rolled her eyes and pushed past him, ignoring his lingering stare as she made her way down the hallway. No matter what Finn Hudson seemed to think, her get together with Zack was not personal…it was about the club! It made her angry to even think that Finn would consider her so heartless to throw herself at the next available guy after being rejected by Jesse. She loved Jesse more than she'd loved anything in her entire life but at the moment he wanted nothing to do with her, so if she wanted to be friends (just friends!) with another guy…she would!

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"Welcome to group, everyone. My name is Ian and I'm going to be in charge of this little evening get together."

Jesse scowled and crossed his arms over his chest, surly glaring at anyone who dared to look at him. He knew that he didn't look like anyone else in the room, whom were either heavily tattooed and pierced, skinny and sick looking, or blonde and overly fabricated. He felt like the odd one out and he hoped to god that the little "evening get together" wouldn't turn into a care and share about your feelings and experiences type deal, because he had no desire to sit through countless hours of people whining about their lives. When the first woman stood up and started talking about her addiction to shopping and purchasing things she could never hope to pay off in her entire lifetime, he decided then and there that this exercise was entirely pointless. Was he supposed to have some grand revelation that, shocker!, everyone had problems? He knew that…and he honestly didn't really care. He decided that he would take his opportunity to speak and instead hone his acting skills, putting on a performance that would put everyone to shame. There would be some truths, sure, but he would lay it on thick to make it ever more interesting.

After an alcoholic, a bulimia survivor, and two cutting addicts, it was Jesse's turn. He stood up and looked at everyone before him before clearing his throat and starting his performance.

"Hello, my name is Jesse…and I am a drug addict."

They all said a chorus of hello's before he resumed his story, putting on his best poignant face.

"I was a senior in high school with a full ride to the University of California Los Angeles. It's in Los Angeles." He knew that he was acting slightly patronizing and pretentious so he tried to dial it back while still remaining his confident self.

"I was dating this girl who was…_perfection…_" He trailed off and faltered for a moment, not sure where to go from there. He'd planned out an elaborate tale in his head about broken hearts, empty promises, and drugs a la carte but now that it came time to share it…he found that he actually wanted to tell the truth. To get it all out there into the world so that it would stop eating at his heart every time he even thought her name. The woman sitting beside him gave him an encouraging smile and he swallowed thickly before continuing.

"I…hurt her, in the worst way. You see, she's a vegan and…" He ended up spilling everything. He talked about the egging; his journey from Carmel to McKinley and then back to Carmel again. He talked about Regional's and how he'd fucked up the number because of her, and how he'd tried to talk to her but she'd shot him down and ran away to New York. He told them that she found out the truth, but still refused to even give him the chance to explain. He explained the loneliness, the emptiness, the realization that nothing mattered. He explained the women, the drugs, and the descent into the bottom before he'd hit it. When he got to the end he found that he was breathing erratically and he sat down quickly, refusing to make eye contact with anyone in the circle. People around him continued to share their stories but he found that he was unable to listen, he was still so shocked that he'd actually confessed everything that had been writhing inside of him since the day that he'd woken up from his coma. It had been almost 2 weeks since he'd checked himself into the rehabilitation and even though he hadn't seen Rachel since the day he'd kicked her out of his room, she was still on his mind every single minute of the day. Every time that Quinn came to visit him she would always tell him about Rachel and how was she doing, even though he never asked, and she would always hint that the brunette wanted to see him. He had managed to avoid it so far but he found that his resolve was weakening as the days went on, he missed her so much. When she'd first come back into his life he'd wanted to push her away so badly in order to avoid running away, but all he could think about was the way her smile lit up a room and how she'd been the one woman able to see past his hard façade into the man he was on the inside.

She made him want to be a better person, and that was why he had fallen so deeply for her.

He felt someone clasp his shoulder and he whirled around, surprised to come face to face to Ian, their group leader. Ian had a smile on his face and it looked as if there were tears in his eyes, and Jesse was taken completely by surprise when the older man grasped him by the shoulder and pulled him into an awkward embrace. After agonizingly awkward embrace was over Jesse gave the man a questioning glare, wondering what the hell had prompted that.

"You've been here for two weeks, Jesse, and not once have you ever told anyone anything about yourself. You may not realize it, but this is a huge step towards your recovery." Jesse shrugged and politely thanked the older man before heading back to his room, being unsurprised when he saw a haggard looking Quinn Fabray sitting on his bed. He walked in and shot her a smirk before throwing himself down on the bed next to her, angling his head so that he could remain comfortable while still being able to see her. She smiled weakly at him and he knew instantly that something was wrong.

"Are you okay?" he asked questioningly, looking her straight in the eye so that she wouldn't be able to lie to him. She sighed and played with her hands in her lap, as if she wasn't sure whether or not to tell him what was obviously plaguing her mind.

"Is it Finn? Am I going to have to rough him up a bit when I get out of here?" he said lightly, poking her in the side as she gave him another feeble smile. His own smile faded a little as his joke refused to lighten the mood and he readied himself for whatever bad news she was sure to dish out.

"No…it's Rachel."

His heart plummeted as a million different scenarios ran through his head. Had there been an accident? Had she lost her voice? Was she dating that imbecile with the Mohawk again? Did she make a sequel to the Run Joey Run video starring and those two kids who never talked?

"What about her? Quinn, tell me!" When she seemed to hesitate he said it more forcefully, snapping her out of whatever reverie she had found herself in.

"She went on a date Friday night."

Out of all the scenarios he'd imagined, this one was quite possibly the worst. Quinn was doling out all the details about the guy and the date and what had transpired between the two of them, but Jesse couldn't focus on her words…all he could think about was some _other guy_ holding Rachel's hand, watching Funny Girl with her, talking about musicals with her, kissing her, making _love_ to her…

He slowly got up from the bed and approached his dresser, sweeping everything off of it with a motion of his hand. He was breathing hard and he could hear Quinn breathing heavily on the bed behind him as he looked into the mirror above his dresser, scared of the person staring back at him. Gone was the confident and somewhat pretentious Jesse St. James, the man staring back at him looked dreadfully precarious and he honestly wondered what he would do to this _Zack _character if he wasn't trapped inside of the rehabilitation center.

He didn't even recognize himself anymore.

"I want to see her."

"Jesse…"

"Quinn."

Quinn looked as if she wanted to say something else but she refrained, getting up off of the bed and shooting him a worried look before leaving the room. He watched her go before flopping onto the bed with a sigh, eyes gravitating towards the ceiling as his brain raced. He couldn't believe that she'd moved on so fast, and with someone completely new at that. How dare she try to replace him with a less talented version of himself? From what he could tell, this new guy sounded like a slightly gay version of himself with half the talent and none of the curls.

He wasn't impressed with this new revelation, and he was determined to get to the bottom of it. He may not want to see Rachel at the moment because she'd hurt him badly and he didn't completely trust her, but he sure as hell didn't want her seeing anyone else either.


	19. What Hurts The Most

Chapter Nineteen: What Hurts the Most 

0-0

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
(Much to say)  
And watchin' you walk away

0-0

Rachel slammed her bedroom door shut and threw herself down on the bed angrily. She could hear shouting voices downstairs and she did her best to shut them out, burying her face in the pillow. She found it impossible to believe that a night which had started out so wonderful could have gone so awry, it seemed unfathomable. She felt like her entire world was falling apart as rolled over to lie on her bed, staring up at the ceiling above her head. She closed her eyes and did her best to block out all of the noise around her. She felt the tears prickling at the back of her eyelids but she refused to let them fall, knowing that if she started there was no way that she'd ever be able to stop.

The night had been going so well…until it hadn't been. 

_**3 hours earlier**_

_Rachel still couldn't believe that she'd actually agreed to go on a date with Zack, even though they'd been spending a lot of time together over the past two weeks. She was now almost 20 weeks pregnant and it was getting harder and hider to hide, especially since she was having twins. While everyone at school knew that she was pregnant, it was unspoken and she figured that everyone knew except Zack. She'd asked the fellow glee clubbers to find out if he knew right after he'd asked her out the first time, which she'd said no to, and she was shocked when they came to the conclusion that he didn't. It wasn't that she didn't want him to know, it wasn't that big of a deal, but she was afraid that when he found out he would think differently of her…and she didn't want that to happen. While Quinn and Finn were great people and had invested a lot of their time into spending time with her, whenever she was around the two of them together she always felt somewhat like a third wheel. With Jesse still in the rehabilitation center and everyone else focused on their own lives, she sometimes felt that she got forgotten about. With Zack it was the complete opposite, it seemed like he was always around when she needed someone most. He walked her to class, helped carry her books when he saw her struggling, and he even threatened to beat up Karofsky the day threw a slushy in her face by accident. He'd been aiming for Kurt but had missed, because even Karofsky wouldn't target a pregnant girl, and Zack had gotten up in his face before Puck and Finn had managed to pull him off. Karofsky and the other jocks hadn't come near her, or anyone else in glee for that matter, ever since. _

_So when he'd asked her out the second time she hadn't had the heart to deny him after all the things that he'd done for her. He knew the gist of the Jesse situation, that they'd dated and it had ended badly, and he was always trying to convince her to go back and see him again. He said that perseverance would always pay off in the end but she couldn't risk the hurt, so she lied and said she was over Jesse completely. It was then that Zack had asked her out. She used the usual excuses about the team and not being emotionally ready, but he was one step ahead of her. He'd gone out and gotten the signature from everyone on the team to sign off on his asking her out on a date, and even Mr. Schue had signed. She had found it harder to argue with that logic so she had smiled and accepted._

_He'd arrived promptly at 8 like he'd said he would, and he'd smiled and had presented her with a bouquet of flowers when she'd opened the door to greet him. After putting them in some water he escorted her to his car and they'd headed out to Breadsticks for some dinner, which had been delicious. She'd ordered a vegan pasta dish and he'd had the same, sharing that he had been a vegan since the fifth grade when their school had organized a field trip to a slaughterhouse. She was horrified by this and was glad, for once in her life, that she had gone to Lima Elementary School. The meal had been delectable and the conversation was even better, so she was glad when he suggested they forgo the movie and go for a walk instead. They walked through the park that was on the out skirts of town and for the first time in the past five months, Rachel didn't feel like she was about to break down and cry. She found that she was actually having a good time with Zack, and she was glad that she'd agreed to go on the date with him. The walk ended much too soon for her liking and soon they were back at his car._

"_Do you want to go get some coffee?" He'd asked, staring deeply into her eyes. She had nodded and he had driven them to the best coffee place in Lima, pulling up into the parking lot and parking next to a range rover that looked overly familiar. She pushed her thoughts from her mind and followed Zack into the coffee shop, ordering some tea and a biscuit before following him to a table towards the corner. They sat down and just stared at each other, sitting in an uncomfortable silence. She wasn't sure if it was the lighting or if it was the ambience, but for a moment she wondered what it would have been like if she'd met Zack before Jesse…because he really was a nice guy. Everything was simple with him, where as with Jesse every single encounter had been dangerous and risky, but with safety came complacency. She knew that if anything ever happened with Zack, it would be because Jesse was unavailable to her. Regardless of how nice Zack may be, she knew that she would always be in love with Jesse…and their children would bind them together. Just as she was thinking this she heard someone approach their table, and when she looked up she wished that she had never agreed to go get coffee._

"_Well, well, well." The girl said with a laugh, flipping her hair as she looked between Rachel and Zack. "Look what the cat dragged in."_

"_Haley." Rachel said coolly, resisting the urge to strangle the girl before him. Quinn had told her everything that Andrea had told her about Haley, and to say that she hated the girl before her would be an exaggeration. She resisted the urge to scream and tackle the girl to the floor as she plastered on a fake smile. "How can I help you?"_

"_Just wondering how you were doing." The girl said with a wicked smile on her face, causing Rachel's to falter ever so slightly. "Word around the street is that you and St. James are done. What's the matter, Diva? You don't like the damaged ones? You dated that Finn guy…and he's pretty damaged, if you know what I mean. In the head."_

"_Your wit astounds me." Rachel deadpanned, refusing to answer to the other girl's attempts to anger her. Haley sneered at her and seemed to take a really good look before her eyes widened in shock._

"_Well, shit." Haley said in surprise, eyeing Rachel's abdomen in surprise. "I heard you were up the duff, but I never thought it was true."_

_Rachel felt all the blood drain from her face as the implications of Haley's words sunk in and she slowly turned to look at Zack who was looking like someone had just told him he was dying from a terminal disease. His face was twisted into a distorted expression and he looked like he was in pain. Rachel could feel the tears welling in her eyes and she opened her mouth to say something but…_

_What could she really say?_

_I'm sorry I was pregnant when you met me?_

_It wasn't really anything she could change, and there was no way that she was going to be ashamed of the babies growing in her stomach._

"_Not that it's really any of your business," Rachel said coolly, examining her nails. "…but yes, I am pregnant."_

"_You're _pregnant_?"_

_Zack's voice was quiet and shaky, and when Rachel looked up she was surprised to see so much anger and sadness reflected in her eyes. She nodded once and he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, running his hands over his face as he let out a sigh. He looked absolutely destroyed and she felt horrible for not having told him herself, and she wondered if he would ever forgive her. She was shocked out of her thoughts when he suddenly leaned across the table and kissed her, making her forget about everything. While his kisses didn't electrify her senses like Jesse's had, there was still something there, even if it was a faint echo of the kind of passion she'd experienced with Jesse. When they pulled apart they just stared at each other awkwardly before he said he had to be getting home and that they needed to go. They rode to her house in silence and when they got there he walked her to her door and they stood their awkwardly for a few moments before he leaned in and kissed her again. Once again, the kiss wasn't overly passionate, but she was saved from having to think too much about it when the door swung open and her Dad was standing in front of her with his arms on his hips. And man did he look angry._

"_Young man, I suggest you leave." Leroy Berry said angrily, arms practically shaking. Zack weakly mustered up a goodbye before practically sprinting to his truck in his hurry to get out of there. When he was gone Rachel turned towards her father with an exasperated look, but his look of fury shocked her._

"_Rachel Barbara Berry, who the hell was that?"_

"_Dad that was Zack, he's in glee club with me." She said cautiously, not understanding why he was getting so angry at her._

"_Let me rephrase that. Why was that boy standing on my porch practically molesting my daughter?"_

"_Dad it was just a kiss!"_

"_You shouldn't be kissing anybody unless it's the father of your baby. Or did you forget about him already?"_

"_Dad, I didn't forget about Jesse." She said as she choked on a sob, refusing to cry in front of him. "He won't talk to me and Zack's been really nice to me and—"_

"_I don't want to hear it Rachel." He said in exasperation, running a hand over his face. "Your father and I weren't happy about this pregnancy, but the fact that you and Jesse seemed to have strong feelings for each other made it almost bearable. But now that you're off gallivanting with other men while pregnant with someone else's baby…we don't feel that it's a satisfactory environment to bring a child into."_

"_What are you saying, Dad?" Rachel said slowly, not comprehending what they were trying to tell her._

"_Your father and I talked it over and we think that you should give the baby up for adoption." Her other daddy, Hiram, said quietly, coming up from behind his partner. "We don't think that you're emotionally mature enough to handle this…and tonight just proves how right we were."_

"_I won't give my babies away!" Rachel cried, hand coming up to cover her mouth when she realized that she'd blurted out the one thing that she hadn't planned on telling her parents for at least a little while longer. They both looked stunned for a few moments before her Dad frowned, forehead creased as he looked sadly in her direction._

"_You can't keep them Rachel, especially now."_

"_My babies aren't some kind of pet you can throw outside into the cold." She said angrily, facing down her fathers. "I refuse to give them up."_

"_Rachel, if you can't see reason…"_

"_Then what? You'll kick me out?"_

_Their silence answered her question, and her mouth opened in shock. Were they seriously going to kick their pregnant daughter out of the house?_

"_You've got to be kidding me…" she said slowly, trailing off as she noticed the tears welling up in her daddy's eyes. "Daddy?" she said pleadingly, looking him in the eye. "Please don't do this!"_

"_Leroy…"_

"_No, Hiram. We talked about this; Rachel isn't ready for this kind of responsibility. We can't let her do this."_

"_If you're going to act like this…" Rachel said as she swallowed dryly, resisting the urge to burst into uncontrollable sobs. "Then I can't live here anymore." With that she turned around on her heel and dashed into her bedroom, ignoring the heated argument between her dads's that she could hear occurring in the living room._

She grabbed her bags out of the closet and started to pack up everything she would need before she gripped her cell phone off the stand next to her bed. Cell phone in hand, she called the first person who came to mind, thankful when the girl answered on the first ring.

"Hi Quinn." She said tentatively, not sure exactly what to say. "It's Rachel…I have a question."

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

It was Saturday night and he knew that Rachel would be going on her first date with Zack tonight. He knew that he didn't have a right to be angry considering he had pushed her away but his blood boiled when he thought about what could be happening between the two of them. Would Zack take her to a nice restaurant? Get the tab? Pull out her chair before she sat down? Would he know that she refused to eat anything that started with the letter L because she felt that it was a bad luck omen? Would he know that she dislike hand holding in public because it felt too personal to share with the world? Would he kiss her? Would she tell him all her secrets? Would she love him like she had loved him?

"Fuck." He whispered, cradling his head in his hands. He'd really fucked things up this time.

Ever since the accident and the incident he had been trying to place all the blame on Rachel and Shelby, refusing to accept any for himself…and for the first time he wondered if maybe it had been more him than them after all. He had been furious that Rachel had refused to let him explain himself after the egging but…could he really blame her? It was the ultimate slap in the face for her and he knew that if she had done it to him he wouldn't have been so willing to converse with her. He felt like such an idiot, that he hadn't even thought of these things before, and he hoped that it wasn't too late to salvage any semblance with a relationship with her before she got together with someone else. He found it slightly entertaining that it had taken the idea of her with someone else to snap him out of the funk he'd been in, and when he expressed this to his counselor a few hours later the man had laughed and congratulated him on seeing what everyone else had already known.

He knew that after how he'd treated her, she had no reason to even want to speak to him again. He knew Rachel and he knew that there was no way she approved of drugs and alcohol and that would be the primary reason to not want to talk to him ever again. If he'd come back to Lima and found out that she'd done that to herself he would have beyond furious. It was crazy, but since the ordeal had occurred he hadn't really even once thought about how Rachel must be feeling about all of this. Sure they were broken up, but there would always be something between them even if he didn't know exactly what it was. Something always drew her to him and it was probably why he'd been so upset when she left, because once again someone he'd cared about had left him without a word. His parents were always leaving him and so were his friends, but it hurt even worse when the girl he loved more than life itself chose to leave him without any kind of contact whatsoever. He hated even thinking about it because it sent him right back to the mind frame he'd been in before the overdose, depression. His doctor's had given him a prescription to take after he'd told them everything about his feelings regarding Rachel and his family but he hadn't even considered taking them. He was Jesse St. James, he shouldn't need anything in order to fully manage and be successful and healthy. The fact that the pills were pretty much an indication of the contrary made him refuse to take them, even if it hindered his recovery process.

_Knock Knock._

He looked up and froze when he saw that Rachel Berry was standing in his doorway, eyes puffy and red, with two security guards behind her.

"She wouldn't take no for an answer sir, so we thought we'd bring her to you personally."

"I…" He didn't even know what to say, he'd never seen Rachel look so unkempt and disoriented than she was in that moment.

"Jesse…"

He wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms so in order to prevent that from happening he waved the security men away and they left, leaving the two of them together for the first time in two weeks. He didn't know what to say so he just motioned towards the bed and she walked slowly into the room, like she wished she was anywhere but there. He gave her a weak smile that she struggled to return before bursting out into tears, the sobs wracking her body as she buried her head in her hands. He looked at her in alarm, not sure as to what he should be doing, when she suddenly stopped and looked him dead in the eye.

"_Dreaming  
I was only dreaming  
Of another place in time"_

She sang softly, looking him in the eyes as the tears trickled silently down her cheeks. He froze when he realized the song she was singing and it made _him _want to start crying. The day the American Idiot Broadway Cast Recording had come out on iTunes he'd forced her to listen to the entire thing with her, memorizing all the lines and refrains so that they could sing them at impromptu times. One of his favorites had been Before the Lobotomy, and he was surprised that she even remembered…it had been so long ago.

"_Singing  
I can hear them singing.  
When the rain had washed away  
All these scattered dreams"_

He sang quietly, reaching out tentatively and grasping her hand with his own. He'd forgot how soft her hands had been and it was at that moment that he realized that he was never going to let anything tear them apart every again. No matter what happened between them, it would always come down to the fact that he loved her…and really, wasn't that the only thing that mattered?

"I'm p-pregnant."

Okay…maybe their love wasn't the _only_ thing that mattered.


	20. Extraordinary Girl

Chapter Twenty: Extraordinary Girl

0-0

_she's all alone again,  
wiping the tears from her eyes.  
Some days he feels like dying.  
She gets so sick of crying.  
_  
0-0

**AN: **So I've been listening to the American Idiot soundtrack on repeat lately and I am so in love with these songs, especially Jonathan Gallagher Jr. His voice is so talented, and his voice in AI and SA are so different…it's amazing. These green day chapters are dedicated to a lovely girl named Queen Nee whose story I have been beta-ing, because she is awesome and she kind of inspired me to keep on writing when I had just about to give up.

So without further ado, here is chapter twenty!

0-0

The first thought that crossed her mind was whether the news was going to send him into another coma, because he looked like he was about to pass out. She knew that it had to be some pretty crazy news to receive, especially since it's from the ex-girlfriend that you kind of sort of tried to kill yourself over. She looked away uncomfortably after a few moments, completely unnerved by his staring, and started to giggle a little bit when a really morbid thought flew into her head.

"What on earth could be comical about this?" He asked in bewilderment, seeming to snap out of the daze he'd been in.

"I was just picturing in my head coming in here and singing 'You're Having My Baby' to you, like Finn did to Quinn's parents when they decided to tell them about the baby. It would have been hilarious…and I wish I would've thought of it earlier." She said with a bit of disappointment, trying to alleviate the awkward tension floating around in the room. She knew that Jesse probably had a thousand questions but she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear them, especially considering how horrific her own day had been.

After her parents basically kicked her out of her house she had called Quinn to see if she could stay with the blond girl and she hadn't been surprised when Quinn's mother had forbid it. The woman had been improving on her views of the modern world but she wasn't still completely comfortable having a pregnant girl in her house, especially when it wasn't even her own daughter. After calling Quinn she'd reluctantly called Finn, who was out of the question because their house was already crowded enough after the combining of the Hummel and Hudson household. She hadn't even considered calling Mercedes, Santana and Brittney because none of them really like her all that much, and living with any of the boys wasn't really an option. She had called Tina as a last resort, knowing that her parents were also very into religious customs, and she hadn't been surprised when they'd refused to board a pregnant teenager. Quinn had told her to consider asking Zack if she could stay with him but she knew that she couldn't do that to him, especially after the awkwardness on the night of their date. So with no other options she'd done the last thing she'd honestly wanted to do…she'd gone to see Jesse.

The security officers at the reception area hadn't wanted to let her in but when she'd played the pregnant girl card they'd warmed up a bit and had at least taken her to Jesse's room. She had expected him to put up more of a fight and she'd been honestly surprised when he'd grasped her hand. She was so thankful that he didn't appear to want her out of his sight anymore, and she hoped that the news of the pregnancy would be taken well rather than horrifically. She wasn't sure if she could take any more rejection in one night.

"How long have you known?" He asked quietly, eyes seemingly fixated on her abdomen. She let out a breath she hadn't realized that she'd been holding, glad that he hadn't started yelling or screaming at her.

"About four months."

"…and you didn't tell me?" This seemed to make him angry, but Rachel sighed and explained that it wasn't really her fault since he'd been in a coma for most of those months and had refused to talk to her the only other time she'd come to talk to him. He seemed to accept this and he leaned back on his bed looking like his mind was worlds away.

"Do you know what it is?"

"They're babies, Jesse." She said sarcastically, smiling when she saw a hint of a smile gloss over his face. His hand had moved from her hand to her stomach and was hovering over the bump, tracing small circles on her stomach.

"Ha ha h—wait, babies?" His face has gone white and she wondered if this was going to be too much for him as she nodded slowly. He seemed to be in complete shock, swearing quietly as his gaze moved from her stomach to her face.

"I suppose I should be angry…but I really can't be. This is pretty much the only positive news I've heard since I woke up, and I'm definitely not unhappy about that." He grasped her hand tightly in his again and she smiled through her tears as she remembered why exactly it was that she'd come to see him.

"Well, I'm glad that you're happy." She said weakly, trying to put on her best fake happy face. He saw right through it though, and she knew that she would have to work better at perfecting it if she wanted to keep him happy.

"What's wrong?"

"My dad's…they want me to give the babies up." She said softly, refusing to meet his eyes.

"You can't give them up, Rachel. They are _our_ babies…can you imagine just how talented they're going to be? It would practically be blasphemous to give them to someone who would be unable to raise them to become the stars they are so clearly destined to be." He said passionately. She smiled and she could have sworn she saw a foreign emotion flicker through his eyes when she lifted her own up to meet his. She liked to think that the emotion she was seeing was faith, faith in her and conviction in the fact that they could raise the babies together…

And then she remembered where he was, and why he was there…and her smile faltered. Could they really handle the stress of raising _two children_ and overcoming a drug addiction?

"Jesse…"

"I heard you went on a date." He said suddenly, interrupting her train of thought. She looked up at him in surprise and wondered where this had come from, when he'd seemed so happy and content just moments ago. Now he just looked pained and annoyed, and she honestly no idea how to explain herself.

"Yes, I did."

"You went on a date with another guy…while you were pregnant with my child? Seriously?" he looked almost disgusted and she wanted to hit him for sounding like her father. It wasn't like she had cheated on him…they weren't even really together and he refused to talk to her or see her, which she pointed out to him.

"It's just not right." He said in annoyance, running a hand through his hair. "You shouldn't be seeing anyone but me, especially when you're having my children. I don't want you to see him again."

"I don't see how that's any of your business, Jesse St. James." She said angrily, wrenching her hand from his as she stood up from her chair. "He has been nothing but nice to me since we met, and you don't get to tell me who I can and can't be friends with…I'm not your possession."

"Rach—"

"No, Jesse. You don't get to lecture me for making friends when you refused to see me, or let me explain anything. You got mad at me when I did the same thing, yet you turned around and did it to me so you don't get to do this. I'll come back later, when I'm ready to talk to you." And with that she walked out of the room with her head held high, resolving not to let him see her cry in front of him again.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE* 

"Okay guys. Your assignment for the week was to find a song that expresses what you're feeling…does anyone want to go first?"

When no one volunteered to go first, Mr. Schue turned to look at Rachel who just shrugged, obviously not having prepared anything. Zack was surprised at this because for as long as he'd known Rachel, she was usually one of the most dedicated people in the club. The fact that she hadn't prepared anything just reinforced the fact that she was obviously still really upset about what had happened over the weekend. She'd called him the night after their date and had told him everything, about her dad, Jesse, and even where she was living. He still found it kind of insane that she was living with their glee director, but she really hadn't had any other options and she'd refused to come live with him. He hadn't been too offended by it though because he knew that it would have been awkward, especially since they didn't have a guest room at his house so she would've had to either share his room with him or he'd have to take up permanent residence on the couch. He was still unsure as to how to act around her now that she and her…

What even was Jesse to her?

They weren't dating anymore, but he seemed like much more than an ex-boyfriend. Zack wasn't sure exactly how he felt about Rachel now that Jesse was back in the picture, and if he was smart he would back off and let the two of them work out their issues.

However, there was just something about her that he couldn't get out of his head…and that was when he found himself volunteering to go first.

He stood before the group and met Rachel's eyes hesitantly before starting to sing.

_She's an extraordinary girl,  
In an ordinary world,  
And she can't seem to get away_

He looked back at her and he gulped when he realized that she was actually looking kind of upset. He'd heard that people used their glee assignments to tell people things and he'd thought that it would be a good idea to sing his feelings to her but now he wasn't so sure.

_He lacks the courage in his mind,  
Like a child left behind,  
Like a pet left in the rain_

She's all alone again,  
Wiping the tears from her eyes

At this point he knew that this had probably been a bad idea, but he couldn't stop in the middle of the song…that would be way too obvious.

_Somedays he feels like dying,  
She gets so sick of crying_

She sees the mirror of herself,  
An image she wants to sell,  
To anyone willing to buy

He steals the image in her kiss,  
From her hearts apocalypse,  
From the one called whatsername

It was then that he realized that the love song he was singing wasn't about him, and that it never could be about him. She seemed to realize it too because her eyes were glazed over, like she was caught in some kind of trance. He swallowed thickly and continued on with the song, refusing to let his emotions get to him. Rachel was a great girl and he really liked her but he knew that nothing would ever really happen between them, not now anyway.__

She's all alone again,  
Wiping the tears from her eyes

Somedays he feels like dying  
She gets so sick of crying

She's all alone again,  
Wiping the tears from her eyes

Somedays he feels like dying  
Somedays it's not worth trying,  
Now that they both are finding,  
She gets so sick of crying__

When the song ended everyone clapped and he took his seat, avoiding eye contact with Rachel, as a few other members of the glee club sang their songs. Finally rehearsal was over and he rushed to the door, hoping to escape before she caught up with him, but he found that he wasn't that lucky.

"Was that song about me?" She asked, blocking his exit out of the room. He sighed and waited until everyone left the room before turning around and taking a seat in one of the chairs in the front row. He waited until she was seated before he turned towards her, and found that he was unable to speak. He hated that she made him forget what he wanted to say when he looked into her eyes, because he knew that he needed to get it off of his chest. It was painful to look into the eyes of the seemingly perfect girl and realize that she would never be _your_ perfect girl, but he knew it had to be done.

"The song might have been about you…" he said slowly, wanting to make sure that his point got across. "…but it wasn't about _us_." She bit her lip and nodded slowly, and he knew at that moment that he'd never really had a chance.

"It's just so unfair." She said softly, tears glistening in her eyes but refusing to fall. He nodded and shot her a shy grin before leaning in and kissing her on the cheek softly, tasting salt on her cheek as a lone tear fell against his lips. He pushed a few strands of hair out of her face and turned to look into her eyes once more, determined to remember how they'd looked in those final moments, and was shocked when she leaned in and pressed her lips against his. He found that he couldn't muster up the strength or courage to push her away and he deepened the kiss, pulling her body flush against his. They kissed for a few moments before she pulled away and gave him a sad smile, folding her hands in her lap.

"Why couldn't I have met you before?" She said sadly, taking her hand and reaching out to wrap it around his. "You're such a nice guy."

"I'm not that nice." He said with a laugh, rubbing his thumb along the side of her hand. He schooled his features and resisted the urge to frown when she pulled her hand out of his and stood up, smoothing her skirt with her hands.

"You really are…and that's why I have to go." She was biting her lip and she looked nervous, and he couldn't help but notice how she'd never looked more beautiful than in that moment. He had only known her for a short while but already he couldn't imagine what life would be like without her by his side. He nodded and let his head fall as she headed towards the door.

"Rach?"

"Yes?" She turned around, looking towards him expectantly. He knew that she was expecting a grand declaration of love, anything that would stop her from going back to _him_ be he couldn't do that. Even he knew that they were meant to be together, even if she hadn't quite realized it.

"Make sure he's good to you." She smiled weakly before leaving the room, and he sighed and closed his eyes when he realized that she wouldn't be coming back.

He knew he'd done the right thing…but why did it feel so wrong?

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

**AN: **So do you guys like Zack? Should he stick around and a) pine for Rachel, b) try to get her back, c) move on, or d) get out of town! Let me know in a REVIEW :'D


	21. Shiver

Chapter Twenty One: Shiver

0-0

_Just having you here lying next to me  
It's the little things that __**cause a storm inside of me**___

And everytime you're close I shiver.. shiver.. shiver  
Everytime we kiss I shiver.. shiver.. shiver  
_**I gotta catch my breath.**__. breath  
So caught up that I forget.. forget  
Everytime you're close I shiver.. shiver.. shiver_

0-0

Jesse felt like he was living in a fish bowl, or one of those reality TV shows like Laguna Beach, because it seemed like every move he made was being watched. He hated the open door policy that they had in the rehabilitation wing, open door meaning that there actually was no door, and every time he even got up out of his bed he swore he saw the woman at the receptionist turn and look in his direction before returning to her computer screen. It had been the longest month of his entire life and he had no idea how people could get out and then relapse and have to come back, the mere memory of the three month isolation period would be reason enough to never, ever, try drugs again. The first two weeks had gone by fairly quickly as he adjusted to the environment, all the meetings, sessions, and activities that were organized; but after he learned where everything was and how it worked…the ennui started to kick in. He wasn't allowed any access to a phone, a computer, or anything else of the sorts so he had no way to have any communication with anyone outside of the four walls he was enclosed in, and he wasn't allowed to have any visitors at the moment either. At the rehabilitation center they believed that it was something you had to do more for yourself than for others, so for a bulk of the treatment they forbid any fraternizing with people who aren't enrolled in the program. It had been two weeks since he'd seen a familiar face and he was starting to feel trapped and claustrophobic in the facility he couldn't leave. He had another two weeks to endure before they would let him see people again, but he wasn't sure if he would still be sane by that time.

"Hey, partner."

Jesse resisted the urge to groan as he turned around slowly, plastering on his best show face as he turned to face the bane of his existence. If there was one person he couldn't stand in the entire building, it was the guy standing in front of him. He wasn't sure if it was the leather pants, the bright green striped polo shirt, or the freakishly blonde hair underneath what was quite possibly the ugliest cowboy hat on earth, but something about that guy just drove him insane.

"How you doing, boy?"

Or maybe it was just everything about him that drove him wild, in a bad way. Whenever he was around the guy for more than a minute he wanted to either strangle him or strangle himself, maybe both if necessary. It wasn't just the accent he had that drilled into his mind like a nail gun but the things that he said that made him want to light himself on fire.

"I'm fine, Landon." He said tightly, resisting the urge to grimace. The other guy walked in his room and sat down on the bed, patting it awkwardly as he motioned for Jesse to come forward and sit on with him. It drove him crazy that the guy would always walk right in and make himself at home and then act like the room belonged to him and Jesse was just the guest, it didn't even make sense. It was at times like those that he really wished there was a door, and it made him curse whoever had come up with the open door policy.

"Isn't that funny? I am too!" Jesse faked a grin and pretended to be interested while listing all of the states in his mind…in alphabetical order.

"Did you hear about that talent contest?" At this Jesse looked up from his internal counting to look Landon in the eye, finally hearing something worth listening to.

"What talent contest?"

"Every session they have a big end show case for everyone, just to give us something to celebrate at the end of it." Landon said with a toothy grin, eyes focused on Jesse's bicep. "I've been practicing my moves…wanna see em?"

"Uh…not right now." Jesse said dismissively, going back to the topic at hand. "Is it a competition?"

"Oh for realz. Winner gets to spend their last night here in the Alpine Room." Landon said with a huge grin on his face, seemingly proud that he had information Jesse didn't. "No one's ever been in it, not that I know anyways, so it's a pretty big deal! But it does have a closed door with a lock"

Jesse honestly didn't care about the prize, but the idea of a competition and winning…

It made the idea of living in isolation for the next two weeks ultimately bearable to think about.

"Thank you for the information." He said politely, gesturing for Landon to get out. Landon said goodbye and that he'd be by later and Jesse honestly hoped that he would forget, because that tended to happen a lot. The second Landon was out the door he started to pace as possible selections began to run through his head. This would be the most difficult performance of his life due to the fact that it would be almost impossible to prepare without proper accompaniment and sheet music…not to mention that the pianist would certainly be substandard and there would be no backing band. The horrifying nature of it almost caused him to stop his pacing but a challenge was a challenge, and he would embrace it head on.

He would have to sing the most faultless song…there was no other option. If he was lucky, which he generally was, he hoped that the spectacle would be open to the public and he'd be able to showcase his evidently superior talent. He wondered if Rachel would come if he invited her, and he knew instantly that there was no way she would be able to _not_ attend. He decided then and there that he would choose a song that would speak to her, that would make her realize how much he loved her and how much she meant to him. He wasn't great with words, but communication through song was something he was much more comfortable with.

The only problem was…how to pick a song? Normally he would just pull something out of his repertoire but this performance…it had to be extravagant.

…and then it hit him, and he knew exactly what he had to perform.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"Are you sure this is it?"

Rachel was standing before the full length mirror in Quinn's bathroom, scowling at her reflection. Quinn was leaning against the sink looking aghast as she looked on, completely astonished at what she was seeing. Rachel was only about 22 weeks pregnant, but no matter how much they tried…the clothes that Quinn had worn when she was _9 months_ pregnant wouldn't even fit Rachel. She had grown so much in the past two weeks that Quinn couldn't help but wonder if maybe Rachel was having Quintuplets, not just twins. She had debated saying this aloud but she knew how badly she would have reacted if someone had said so to her, so she kept her mouth shut. The pants that Rachel was wearing barely fit, they were tight around the middle and that wasn't good for the baby, and the shirt fit everywhere except for her boobs which were practically popping out of it.

"Yeah, Rach…sorry."

Rachel sighed and turned away from the mirror, sighing in frustration when she realized that she was going to have to actually go out and buy a new wardrobe. Since she'd been kicked out of her house she'd done her best to stay away from her parents until the bills had started to pour in and she hadn't had any other choices. They were currently paying her hospital bills and putting money into her bank account every so often but she hated taking their money, especially when they didn't support her decision. She knew that once the babies were born they would probably come around, but for the time being she was irate and upset that they would even hesitate for a second on embracing their grand children. For two people who had been treated so horribly by their own families, she was surprised that they would do the same to their own daughter.

"We're going to have to go shopping, aren't we?"

"At least Kurt will be happy; he said that he wanted to go to the mall." Quinn said, trying her best to be positive. She knew that the pregnancy was getting more and more difficult for Rachel, and her friendship with Zack was also getting more and more difficult. Quinn didn't know all of the details but for a few days Rachel and Zack avoided each other completely and then after that they were really close again, almost as close as Kurt and Mercedes were. They had even started finishing each others sentences, and Quinn was afraid to ask the other girl what was going on there. She knew that it was really none of her business, but she couldn't help but feel involved because of her friendships with both Rachel and Jesse. Having Jesse on isolation lockdown in the clinic was also really hard for Rachel, even if she'd never admit it, because Quinn knew how much it sucked to have to go it alone without the father being involved. Even though Puck had tried his best he'd still missed out on a bunch of things, and Quinn had to make most of the serious decisions on her own without him. Rachel was now in the same boat except for her it was worse because she couldn't communicate with Jesse at all, at least Puck had been a phone call away. Quinn pushed these thoughts out of her head and smiled weakly before pulling out her cell phone and calling their resident fashion expert, organizing an emergency shopping trip.

When Quinn fell into her bed later that night she felt completely exhausted, more than she'd ever been in her entire life (and that included after giving birth to Beth). She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket but she let it go to voice mail as she groaned, her whole body aching. Kurt had drug both she and Rachel around every single store in Lima, looking for the most "fashionable" maternity wear in town. They had searched for hours, everything being either too ugly or too small, until they had finally found a little boutique about twenty minutes out of town. Once there they'd finally managed to convince Rachel to start trying things on and they'd found her some cute tops and pants, even a few of the skirts that she loved so much. They'd had some difficulty finding her some dresses, which she loved to wear most because they weren't so tight on her stomach, but after an extensive search they found some cute ones. It was also nearing November and the Semi-Formal, so they had taken a slight detour to look at formal dresses in some of the department stores. Rachel had been almost impossible to deal with at that point, claiming that they would never find anything to cover her "ridiculously huge stomach" and they had decided to avoid looking for a dress for her and instead had focused on Quinn, which had made her slightly uneasy and nervous. She hadn't even officially been asked to the dance and she didn't know where she stood with Finn at the moment, he'd been kind of distant lately. After they'd slept together he'd been slowly pulling away and she didn't know if it was something that she'd done or if it was just him. She'd tried talking to him about it but he'd pulled away and had made up a bullshit excuse about going to football practice…on a Sunday!

She'd let Kurt drag her into 12 different stores and try on about four hundred dresses…but only three had really stood out in her mind…and they had all been completely unattainable. Kurt had taken them to some kind of designer boutique and the cheapest dress in the whole store, which had been hideous, had been close to 800 dollars! She could possibly understand spending that kind of money on a prom dress, but not for semi-formal…it seemed ridiculous. So they'd just tried the dresses on for fun, not wanting to go home so soon. It had been a fun day all in all and she was glad that they'd gone out to have some girl time because she felt like with glee and school they didn't always have so much time to spend together, especially when Kurt and Puck seemed attached at the lips half the time. They were totally adorable together but sometimes Quinn just wanted to pull them apart and remind them that they needed to breathe on occasion.

Maybe it was because she was having problems with Finn, but she couldn't help but feel envious that Puck was so obviously happy with Kurt when they'd been so miserable together. She sighed and closed her eyes, letting dreams overtake her as she wondered if she'd made the right decision in picking Finn over Puck time and time again.

Finn was great…but was he the one?

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE* 

Rachel had almost managed to fall asleep when she heard her phone ring from across the room. She sighed and slowly slid out of bed before crossing the room and picking it up, shocked when she saw that the phone call was from Zack. They had gotten much closer since their failed attempt at dating but he'd never called her on the phone before especially not at, she turned and looked at the clock, three in the morning.

"Zack?" She asked curiously, trying not to sound as worry as she really felt. "What's going on?"

"Can I come over?" His voice sounded shaky and her sixth sense was telling her that there was something seriously wrong so she reluctantly agreed and told him the address of Mr. Schue's apartment. Luckily they were on the ground floor so it wouldn't be difficult to sneak him in through the window. She sat on the edge of her bed and waited impatiently, practically springing up off of the bed when she heard footsteps crunching outside of her open window. She helped him in the room and was surprised to see how horrible he looked. When she'd seen him on Friday he'd been excited for the weekend as it was his 18th birthday and his parents were taking him back to his home town to see some relatives. It was only about an hour away but she was surprised to see that he was back, especially since he'd only left at lunch time on Friday.

"Are you okay?" She asked tentatively, looking at him curiously. His normally immaculate hair looked to be in complete disarray, and the clothes he was wearing were very out of character. He was wearing the baggiest sweat pants she'd ever seen in her entire life and he was wearing a camouflage button down shirt with a parka over top…definitely not clothes she'd expect to see him in.

"So far from it." He said emotionally, cradling his head in his hands as he flopped down on her bed and moaned. "I think I may have just ruined my life."

"Statistically, the chances of your life being ruined are about—"

"Rachel, please." She stopped talking and grimaced, not liking being cut off like that, but motioned for him to continue.

"I don't even know what I'm doing." He said, voice muffled from behind his hands. "I shouldn't even be here, but I didn't know where else to go."

"Don't worry." She said, she said jokingly. "Mr. Schue's house is kind of like a halfway house for troubled teens."

He smiled wryly and sat up straight, cracking his back as she settled in beside him. He grasped her hand in his and they sat there together in silence for a few minutes before he finally found the resolve to speak, his voice cracking when he spoke.

"I'm…god, this doesn't even make _sense_." He looked about to cry and she wrapped him into an embrace, holding him as he started to cry softly into the crook of her shoulder.

"Back when I l-lived there…there was this girl. She was…I don't know what she was, but there was something between us that was just so _real_. I was a sophomore and she was a senior and we dated for awhile but nothing ever really happened between us because she was…" he paused and seemed to take a deep breath and calm himself before continuing. "…she was raped, by her step dad, when she was younger. She had a really hard time trusting people and…well; we slept together on her prom night, before I left for New York. We kind of lost touch after that and I never really knew why…until now…"

She waited for him to continue, and she was shocked when he finally answered.

"She never kept in contact because…she almost died." He said quietly, voice barely a whisper. "She tried to kill herself two weeks after I left…."

Rachel felt her heart drop in her chest as the realized how guilty this news must have made him feel.

"That's horrible." She said softly, grasping his hand in hers. He looked as if he had more to say so she sat in silence and waited, giving him the time he needed to collect his thoughts.

"She has really severe depression, Rach…I need you to understand that." He looked so desperate for her to follow along that she just nodded and remained silent. "So when she saw me…it was like I'd never left, her life was just so much…brighter. Her mom said she'd never smiled so much as she had in the day I was there, so I knew I had to do something."

"Zack, what did you do?" She asked warily, afraid of what his answer would be.

"I…might have married her?"

"You…what?"

"We got married. It was just so sudden! One minute she was crying and begging me not to go and then before I knew it we were promising each other forever. I'm eighteen years old…how in the hell can I be married? I'm supposed to become somebody, supposed to do something with my life…but now it's like…I can see it. I can see it in front of me but it's like I can't grasp it, can't touch it…it's out of my reach now."

She felt her heart start to pound incessantly as his words circulated around her brain. His thoughts were similar to the ones she'd had towards the beginning of her pregnancy but she'd tried to remain optimistic…but really, how much hope could there really be? Teenagers had babies all of the time and it was statistically proven that most of those teenagers had another baby before two years were up. She was determined to make a career for herself on Broadway, and Jesse was as well, so were these babies just going to hinder them from accomplishing their dreams like Zack's new wife would for him? He would have to care for her like they would care for the babies…so how was the situation any different? If possibly, there's was even worse because they would be raising two people instead of one. Since she'd heard the news of the twins she hadn't really stopped to think about how difficult things were going to be with two babies instead of one, but now she wondered if maybe her fathers had been right…maybe they weren't ready for this new responsibility.

While Rachel's inner monologue was flowing, Zack sighed and laid down on the bed, crossing his arms behind his head as he did his best to quell the tears running down his cheek. She managed to snap herself out of her thoughts and lay down next to him, wrapping him in her arms. She found it somewhat bizarre that this time she was comforting _him_ and not the other way around. She wasn't sure what was going to happen from there, but for the time being she knew that all she could really do for him was be there.

So she would.

She would worry about her own problems later, because her friend needed her right now.


	22. Learn to be Lonely

Chapter22: Learn to be Lonely

0-0

_Child of the wilderness  
Born into emptiness  
Learn to be lonely  
Learn to find your way in darkness_

Who will be there for you  
Comfort and care for you  
Learn to be lonely  
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world  
There are arms to hold you  
You_'__ve always known your heart was on its own_

0-0

"I'm fat."

"No you're not, you're pregnant. There's a difference."

Rachel rolled her eyes and smacked Zack on the shoulder as they roamed the crowded aisle of Target, searching for the double stroller that Mr. Schue had seen on sale the day before when he'd been there. They'd gone through practically every aisle in the store and had yet to find it, however Rachel had found many other things that she'd wanted to purchase. She had found the most perfect dress, white with gold stars, and had been tragically depressed when it hadn't come in her new pregnant size. She knew that there was a possibility that she wouldn't return to her pre-baby weight and be exactly the same size as before so she couldn't even pick it up in her regular size. She had been distant and moody ever since then and she knew that it was hard on Zack, who was already feeling the strain from his own personal life. His wife, it was still even weird to think that he actually had a wife, was going to be coming to Lima in a few days and they were getting an apartment together, which was another reason why they were at Target. It had been Zack's job to furnish the apartment and Anna's, which was his wife's name, parents had given him a gold card in order to make the purchases. So far he hadn't picked up much besides a lamp so he had enlisted Rachel to go with him, hoping that she would know more about furnishing then he would.

She did, but she refused to pick a color scheme without consulting Anna. She was actually excited to meet Anna, even though Zack was reluctant to introduce her to anyone in the town. Apparently she was generally a very happy and bubbly person but she had times when she would just completely lose it and be inconsolable and insane. As a high strung person herself, Rachel was excited to meet someone else who may have as many mood swings as she herself did…it would be nice not being the only over emotional teenager in town, even If Anna technically wasn't a teenager anymore.

"Nevertheless, I really wanted that dress." Rachel said with a sigh, pushing a few strands of hair out of her face and behind her ear. They neared the baby section of the store and Rachel abruptly turned away from it, pretending to be completely engrossed in the cook book aisle across from it. She hadn't said anything to Zack, or anyone else for that matter, but since Zack had told her about his wife and his fear about missing out on stardom because of it…she'd wondered if she should give up her babies for adoption. The idea had been floating around in the back of her head all along but it had only popped up seriously over the past week, especially when Zack had gotten a call from his agent who had gotten him an audition for a new musical opening up off-Broadway in New York. The play was an avant-garde re-adaptation of a musical from the 30's and it was poised to head on Broadway but he'd turned it down because he would be very busy if he had to do workshops and eight shows a week, and with Anna…it just wasn't an option at the moment. Maybe once she'd had more time to adapt to a smaller community he could breach the idea of moving to New York but at the present time there was no way she would be able to handle a move to a huge rushing city, especially when she would be alone for the bulk of the time they were there. Zack's decision had weighed heavily on Rachel's mind when he'd told her about it and she wondered, if she were in the same position, if she would have made the same decision.

She had always promised herself that her career in the stage would always be her number one priority, because it was practically her _destiny_…and the idea of giving it up, giving up everything, for another being made her physically ill. She had worked for the past sixteen years to groom herself for her future and it was an impossible thought to imagine that it would have been all for naught. When she closed her eyes and thought of her future she didn't see a minivan full of children and supper on the table at 8…she saw bright lights, applause, and a shiny Tony sitting on her mantle. Her life was spiraling out of control and in her mind's eye she could see where everything had gotten turned around…and she didn't know how to correct it.

"Since when is Rachel Berry interested in cook books?" Zack asked dryly, having noticed her abrupt mood change. She pretended not to hear him and leafed through the book in front of her until he snatched it out of her hands and threw it back on the shelf.

"What?" She asked, trying to remain completely expressionless.

"I know you too well, Rachel Berry." He said with a sly smile, crossing his arms over his chest. "So spill it. I saw you look over at that table of baby clothes and cringe…what's going on in that brain of yours?" She refused to meet his eyesight and she could tell that he was starting to pick up on the severity of the issue at hand when his brow furrowed.

"It's nothing." She said hurriedly, trying to distract him from the topic at hand. "So when did you say Anna's plane was getting here?"

"I didn't. She isn't even taking a plane; you knew they were driving…seriously, what's going on?"

"I need to be a star!" She blurted out loudly. He just stared at her until it dawned on him, and his look of confusion turned into a frown.

"Rachel…you aren't me. Just because you're…"

"Just because I'm what, having twins in high school? Don't be naïve Zackary, that's pretty much career suicide. By the time I graduate they will be two years old and those are supposedly the worst years. If I go to New York not only will I be going to school during the day, but I'll be rehearsing for shows and performing at night and on weekends. It would have been difficult without children, and your career on Broadway in lead roles only lasts so long…you and I both know that. I'm already at a disadvantage for not having started in my early teens…if I put it off until I'm out of school I'll be in my mid twenties…and the window of opportunity doesn't last long after that. It just isn't plausible, so you know what's going to happen? I'm going to graduate high school and have to go to community college and then I'm going to wind up with a degree and a full time job with the twins and then sooner or later I'll have more kids…and guess what will never happen? I can't be that girl, I _won't_ be that girl." She knew that she was getting hysterical and although some of it was the hormones talking, a lot of the things she was saying were things she'd been thinking of in the back of her mind since she'd found out the news. She loved Jesse with all of her heart, and she loved the lives that they had created, but could she really give up her career for them? Give up the one thing that she'd spent her whole life working towards?

"Rach…it's possible to have it all. You're not in it alone, you have your friends, your mom, Jesse—"

"Jesse will be occupied with his own career." Rachel said darkly, trying not to let the jealousy seep into her voice. "He gets to leave as soon as he gets out of the clinic, and then he's going to go make a name for himself while I'm here, raising our family."

"You don't really think that, Rachel." Zack said patiently, trying not to further upset the diva. "He would never leave you by yourself."

"He's done it before!" She said in exasperation, resisting the urge to pull her hair out and scream. "He picked his career over me before, and I know he'd do it again in a heartbeat…because I'd do it too."

Zack just stared at her in shock because, really, what else was there to say?

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"Good morning, Mr. St. James."

Jesse sat up slowly and blinked rapidly as his eyes adjusted to the light, cursing when he saw that the time on the clock read seven in the morning. If he had learning anything from staying at the rehabilitation center, it was that you stay asleep as long as you possibly can if you want to survive. The days were so repetitive that you actually found yourself looking forward to slumber at the end of the day because at least it was moments of the day that you wouldn't have to remember. He had started sleeping for upwards of twelve hours a night because it meant that he had less time to deal with the idiocy of everyone around him so the fact that the Doctor had woke him up a good four hours before he normally would have gotten up made him slightly annoyed.

"I disagree wholeheartedly." He said with bite, smoothing down his unruly locks. Another thing about the clinic that he hated was that there were no hair products. His hair hadn't been properly gelled in over three months and it was definitely suffering for it.

"Nevertheless, it is morning and as of today you are no longer on isolation. I just thought you would appreciate the information." The Doctor seemed like he was in a bad mood so Jesse decided not to bait him and just nodded, smiling enthusiastically the second the doctor walked out of the room and Quinn Fabray walked in. He wasn't sure what made him do it but he jumped out of the bed and ran at her, picking her up in his arms and swing her around as she giggled hysterically. He attempted to do the same with Finn, who'd followed Quinn in, but he swatted the other boy on the arm. Jesse figured that was probably a good thing, because he'd never be able to lift Finn up in a thousand years.

"You have no idea how thrilled I am to see the two of you." He said happily, smiling for what felt like the first time in forever. "I thought this isolated eternity would never cease to exist."

"It's only been a month." Finn said in confusion. "Isn't an eternity like…forever?"

"Finn, he was kidding." Quinn said with a snort, her boyfriend's innocent amusing her. Jesse noticed that Finn barley acknowledged Quinn and he wondered if something was amiss with the two of them. He resolved to ask later but for the moment he needed to know about Rachel, and of her new found _friendship_ with this Zack character.

"How is Rachel?" He asked, waiting for an answer expectantly. The two teenagers in front of him looking almost ashamed and guilty and he knew instantly that something had gone horribly awry. "What? What is it that you aren't telling me?"

"It's been a long month…" Finn said awkwardly, scratching the back of neck nervously.

"Long story short, Rachel is living with Schue and her dads refuse to talk to her until she agrees to give up the babies. She's also gotten really friendly with Zack, so we haven't really seen her much lately…so we don't know much more." Quinn said hesitantly, hoping that the news about Zack wouldn't send Jesse into a tizzy.

"Schue? Seriously? No one else would take her in?" Jesse knew that his relationship with Rachel had caused many of the glee kids to doubt Rachel's sanity but he had still believed that some of them would have liked her enough to take her in.

"Rachel is a high maintenance person, Jesse. Many people couldn't handle that…however, Mr. Schuster's wife was kind of the same so he's had a bit more practice, and it just didn't work out with anyone else. My mom said no, Finn and Puck were too awkward to even consider, and the only other girl Rachel is close with is Tina, whose parents would never welcome a pregnant girl into their home. She had no other options."

"What about Shelby?"

"Siding with Hiram and Leroy…for now anyway. I talked to her yesterday and I think she's starting to come around; having Beth helped a lot I think."

"Oh." Jesse couldn't help but feel that Rachel's current situation was entirely his fault, and if he hadn't been ridiculously absurd and developed an affliction for drugs perhaps he would have been on the outside with her, fighting adversity and preparing for the birth of their children together. Instead he was inside a rehabilitation clinic, talking to her friends about how difficult her life had become…because of him.

"It's going to be okay though." Quinn said optimistically, smiling so brightly that it almost put even Jesse's show face to shame. "It'll all blow over after awhile and everything will work out for the best." Jesse and Finn both nodded, but they both knew that they didn't believe it.

"Do you think she'll come to see me? The conversation didn't go as well as expected last time, so I'm unsure as to whether or not she'll come back without any prompting."

"Zack's bringing her by later, if he can convince her to come." Quinn said hesitantly. "He wants to talk to you too, to get to know you."

"I don't want to get to know him."

"Jesse, he's an important part of her life now. Plus, I think if you got to know him you'd actually like him, he's not a bad guy." Jesse just scowled at Quinn's words and refused to acknowledge the statement, wondering how awkward things would be when the love of his life and her new…whatever he was, came to see him.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

"Are you almost ready?" Zack's voice echoed through the bathroom door, she could practically see him in her mind leaning against the door, similar to the way Jesse had leaned against it many months ago when they'd made love for the first time. She felt a shiver run through her as her mind conjured up images of the day, and she smiled softly as she remembered how sweet he had been. He'd let her play her favorite songs from Spring Awakening; The Word of Your Body, I believe, and Those You've Known, during the act and he had sung along in her ear as they made love. It had been a spectacular experience for her, and she hoped him too, and she was sad that they'd never got to reprise the act due to other incidents that had occurred in life. She wondered what it would be like if they were to do it at present and she pushed it from her mind, reminding herself that she was technically supposed to still be mad about the overreacting to her friendship with Zack. She smoothed down her recently straightened hair and picked up her curling iron, putting in some soft curls towards the bottom. She was dressed up in the best maternity dress she owned, solid black with pleats in the skirt and a lone gold star stitched into the bottom of the skirt. She had sowed the gold star on it herself, feeling that the dress was just too drab and depressing if you didn't add some color to it.

She opened the door and emerged, ignoring the smirk Zack was shooting her. All day he'd been suggesting that she was too excited to go see Jesse, considering she denied the fact that she was happy to be going to see him, and the fact that she had dressed up for the occasion pretty much proved his point correct. He didn't bother saying anything and the two of them left and got into his car, making their way to the hospital. As they neared their destination Rachel found herself getting more and more nervous, which was ridiculous since it was just Jesse. It wasn't like she was on her way to her execution like Anne Boleyn, she'd watched the Tudors last night and it had been so heartbreaking when Henry had Anne executed, she was just going to go see her ex-boyfriend/father of her child for the first time in over a month. How complicated was that? She felt a strange feeling in her stomach and she realized that she was getting worked up over nothing, and that she needed to just calm down and go through with her plan. She was going to go in there and tell Jesse that she wasn't sure they should keep the babies, that they had to think of their careers and how they would resent the babies, and that it was her decision and he had to respect it. She knew that he had a say in everything too but that ultimately it would come down to her, especially since she was the one who would have to carry them for nine months.

They finally arrived at the hospital and they got out of the car, slowly heading inside and checking in at the nurses station. They got directions to Jesse's new room, he'd been moved during the isolation period, and it was decided that Zack would wait outside until Rachel motioned for him to come inside. She hesitated for a moment outside of the door and wondered if it was too soon, if she should have waited longer before coming to see him again. It was only his first day out of isolation…maybe she should have waited another day? She pushed her thoughts to the back of her mind and took a deep breath before crossing the threshold and entering the room, smiling hesitantly at the boy who was sitting on the couch in the far corner of the room. He looked healthy and stronger than ever, and she felt her resolve weakening as she stood in the doorway leaning against the frame. She felt something sharp in her stomach and she gasped, grasping the door frame to steady herself.

"Oh god."

**AN:** insert cliffhanger here! I'm sorry guys! Lol. TOMORROW IS MOVING DAY :'D


	23. Ultraviolet

Chapter 23: Ultraviolet

0-0

_And on her sight  
These eyes depend  
Invisible and Indivisible_

_That fire you ignited  
Good, bad and undecided  
Burns when I stand beside it  
Your light is ultraviolet_

_Visions so insane  
Travel unraveling through my brain  
Cold when I am denied it  
Your light is ultraviolet  
Ultraviolet_

0-0

When Jesse saw her clutch her stomach he was out of the bed and by her side before he even realized what was going on, and he was on his knees in front of her.

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Are the babies okay?" He said worriedly, words coming out quickly and haphazardly as he scanned her body for any sign that things had gone horribly awry and that the babies were in danger. He couldn't see any blood or anything else so he wasn't sure what was going on but he hoped that she wasn't going into labor because he knew for a fact that it was much too early for that, especially if she was carrying twins. During his time in isolation he'd taken to reading some pregnancy books and he'd read that if a woman was carrying twins during her first pregnancy there was a good chance that she may be pregnant for over nine months due to the fact that the babies need longer to grown and nurture in their mothers stomach. He knew that she was probably only 6 months and that if she gave birth to the babies now there would be many complications, and they may not even surprise. So when he heard her start to giggle he couldn't help but look up at her in horror, wondering why on earth she was laughing if there might be something wrong with their babies.

"I think they're kicking." She said eventually, after she'd calmed herself down a little bit. He felt his eyes widen as he looked at her stomach and hesitantly put a hand on top of it, nearly retracting his hand back in horror when he felt something push against it. He felt tears prickling in the corner of his eyes as he slowly traced circles on her stomach, feeling the kicks of the babies against his hand. He looked up at her in astonishment, finally realizing for the first time that this was really happening, and she looked almost as exhilarated as he felt. He knew he was grinning widely and he pushed himself up off of the ground, hands still resting on her belly. In that moment he forgot that he was in a rehabilitation center recovering from a drug addiction, he forgot that she'd abandoned him and left him alone, that he'd broken her heart and hurt her, and he even forgot that Zack was standing behind them in the door frame. He forgot about everything that had ever happened to them in their past as all he could focus on in the moment was there future, and their children that were residing in her stomach. With that, he leaned in and touched her lips with his, melting inside when he felt the electricity course throughout his body. Whenever he kissed her it felt like the whole world was spinning, and he found himself wrapping his arms around her body as he brought her closer, moaning softly when she wound her hands in his hair and brushed up against him. He deepened the kiss and pulled her body as close to his as possible, only pulling back when he heard someone cough from behind them. He reluctantly pulled back from the kiss, not wanting it to end since it felt like an eternity since the last time they'd kissed, and he shot a glare towards the boy framed in the door way.

"Sorry, dude." Zack said apologetically, hands stuffed in his pockets. "…but I really didn't want to watch you two get it on. No offence."

"Zack!" Rachel said, aghast, "I can't believe you!"

"Oh please, Rach." The boy said with a laugh, still leaning on the door frame. "If I wasn't here you would've fallen into bed with him about twelve seconds ago." He was laughing so Jesse knew that he was just joking around, but he couldn't help but wonder how much about that statement was true. He pushed it from his mind, knowing that thinking about Rachel that was wasn't going to do him any good, and he stepped forward and extended his hand.

"I don't believe we've met." He said cordially, extending his hand for Zack to shake. "I'm Jesse St. James."

"…and I'm Zack Hedley. It's nice to meet you Jesse, even if you are the guy who impregnated the girl I kind of used to like." Jesse just gave the eye a smirk with one eyebrow raised, and he somehow got the feeling that he was going to like this guy.

"I like your honesty, Hedley." Jesse said as he wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist, "it's refreshing. You remind me of myself…or a young Sue Sylvester."

"That's a horrifying thought." Zack said as his mouth curved into a frown. "That woman is scary."

"Really? I find her somewhat of a visionary." Jesse said passionately, sensing Rachel rolling her eyes from beside him. They'd had the same conversation so many times and she'd never really saw what he did in Sue, which was a woman who knew what she wanted and would stop at nothing to get it. He may not be as extremist as she was, but he could definitely understand doing whatever it took to accomplish your goal…even if it may not be exactly above board.

"You would." Zack said with a roll of his eyes as he threw himself down on the couch, picking up the magazine on the stand and frowning when he saw the cover. "Cosmopolitan, really?"

"I enjoy reading the life style tips." Jesse said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest. "Why are you even here, anyway?"

"I asked him to accompany me because I had news to tell you." Rachel said softly, looking conflicted and small standing in the middle of the room. Jesse approached her and tilted her head up towards his own, looking her in the eyes as he moved a few strands of hair out of her face.

"What did you want to tell me?"

"It doesn't matter now…It wasn't that important anyway." She said with what appeared to be a forced smile, causing his own smile to falter ever so slightly. He could tell that she was lying to him but he didn't want to press it, especially since things were going so well. So for once in his life he actually let it slide and he found himself slipping into conversation with Rachel and Zack, who he found that he actually liked. He figured that he would hate the guy based solely on the fact that he'd been with Rachel, like he'd originally felt about Finn and even Puck, but he found that there was so much more to the guy than he'd initially perceived. When the other boy talked Jesse actually found that he listened and agreed with some of his opinions, even if they were slightly less superior than his own. He found that he liked Zack all the more when he revealed that he was recently married and had a background in the theatre that rivaled Jesse's own. He didn't like to brag about it to just about anyone, but he'd had a starring role in a production of Hair off-Broadway right before 10th grade, and even though he hadn't followed the cast to Broadway it had still been a great stepping stone for his career. If his parents hadn't been so obsessed with him finishing high school he never would have left the show and he'd been furious at the time, but now he was quite happy that he'd made the decision to go back to school. For if he'd stayed on Broadway, it would have taken him much longer to meet the girl of his dreams and although he was an avid believer in fate and that it would reunite him with Rachel eventually, he was glad it had happened sooner rather than later

"So...who's up for a game of Don't Forget the Lyrics?"

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*. 

The next month went by really quickly for Rachel, especially now that she and Jesse seemed to have established some kind of…well, she didn't know exactly what to call it. They were in love, that much was obvious, and they were on civil terms but they weren't technically in a relationship…they hadn't had the conversation that was much overdue. She had been busy focusing on their babies and her school work and glee, and she had barley had time to think about anything else. They had gone to Sectional's and blown the competition out of the water, unsurprisingly, and were now busy working on their numbers for Regional's. Rachel had talked to Mr. Schue a few days ago about what would happen if Jesse came back to McKinley after getting out of the hospital and ever since then the man had been a cross between excited and hesitant, unsure if Jesse St. James could really be trusted. She knew that many of the glee members were still hesitant to welcome him back after the events of the year before but she knew that if they let him come back to the club there was no way they could lose at Regional's, especially with the two of them as the leads.

"_What's up, Mr. Schue?" Finn has asked the older man questioningly as he and Rachel sat in the other man's office, watching him pace up and down._

"_A situation has been brought to my attention, and I'd like to discuss it with the two of you before I make any decisions either way." Mr. Schue had said suddenly, turning to face the two tunes directly. He looked conflicted and excited at the same time, and Rachel couldn't help but wonder if he'd actually given thought to the idea that she'd proposed the night before. She'd burst into his room at three in the morning, completely oblivious to the hour, and had confessed to him that she'd just had the most amazing thought ever…what if Jesse came back to New Directions? He never graduated from Carmel at the end of the year previously and he would have to go back to school and finish, but what if he went there instead of Carmel? Would he be welcomed back into New Directions with open arms? Would he be able to sing opposite her? She pointed out their musical chemistry and she knew that she had a point there, especially when it was evident during every single duet that Rachel and Finn had that there was nothing romantic between the two of them, and that there never would be. _

"_Finn, you have been a great lead vocalist…so don't take this to offence but, if Jesse came back to New Directions…would you have a problem with him taking over your solo in The Word of Your Body?" _

"_No problem, Mr. Schue." Finn said eagerly, nodding his head up and down. "No offence Rach, but doing those dance moves with you is totally awkward…because, you're kind of like a sister. Well, not a sister…maybe a cousin, because that's less illegal. You know?" Both Schue and Rachel just looked at him with identical looks of exasperation on their faces as they let it go, knowing that it wasn't even worth the breath to respond to his ridiculous statements. _

She knew that their palpable chemistry would electrify the judges during their duet, and with that there was no way that Vocal Adrenalin would ever be able to defeat them. She'd suggested the idea to Jesse, not trying to make his decision for him but wanting to drop a few hints, and he'd seemed unsure as to what he wanted to do. She knew that he was slightly wary about leaving everything that was familiar t him, but he really didn't have a whole lot going for him at Carmel besides Aiden, possibly Andrea, and Shelby. She knew that he wanted to finish out his last year with Shelby, especially since it was her last year with Vocal Adrenalin, but she knew that he also wanted to be with her and his new friends. She had been surprised at how well Zack and Jesse had hit it off and it was even weirder when she would come to see him in his room and Zack would already be there. It warmed her heart to see Jesse laughing and goofing around with friends because it was a side she never really had gotten to see much of before as there had been so much animosity between the glee kids and him when he'd gone to McKinley. Quinn and Finn had even convinced some of the other glee kids to come and see him and it was really only Santana who had refused to do so. She'd asked Jesse what it was about him that had gotten Santana so pissed off and she couldn't help but laugh when he revealed that Santana had asked him out and he'd told her that he was gay, back before he'd started dating her. When she'd seen him walk into the room and announce that he was leaving Vocal Adrenalin for Rachel she'd realized that he'd lied and was pissed, and was still angry about it apparently.

She knew it was petty, but she kind of loved the fact that Jesse had picked her over the super slutty cheerleader Santana.

She was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard her phone vibrating on the table and she rushed to get it, nearly falling off balance as her stomach weighed more than any other part of her did. She grabbed the phone and flipped it open, groaning when she realized that she was twenty minutes behind schedule. Zack was picking her up in half an hour to go to the talent competition at the clinic and she'd planned on dressing up for Jesse's night but she was currently un-showered and still needed to pick out an outfit.

For the first time in her life…Rachel Berry wasn't going to be punctual. 

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*

Before Jesse knew it; it was the last week of his rehabilitation program. He wasn't sure if it was actually working, considering there were no actual temptations around him, but one thing he did know was that he was ready to leave and get on with his life. He'd spoken to Shelby the night before and although it had been a fairly awkward conversation she'd agreed to let him stay with her for the first two days after he got out of the clinic, but then he'd have to find a new place to stay. If he planned on re-enrolling in high school it wouldn't be appropriate for him to be living with his teacher and if he chose to go to McKinley he would have to move into the school district. All in all it wasn't the best situation, but it was his own fault for fucking up so close to graduation. He was obligated to attend at least one semester but he decided to just go for the full year, especially since it was almost Christmas anyway and the new term started in January. If he went to Carmel he would be tutored privately outside of the classroom in order to catch back up before the second term and if he went to McKinley he would just go to all of the senior year level classes with Zack until they got him his own schedule for second semester. That was another surprising thing that had come from his stay in the clinic; he had somehow struck up a strange sort of friendship with a guy who had once dated his…Rachel. While Rachel came to see him every day after school they still hadn't had the conversation, the one that would define whatever their relationship to each other was. She was now close to 7 months pregnant and she was starting to get even more hormonal, and she cried pretty much at the drop of the hat.

Once he'd told her that she looked pretty and she'd burst into tears, thinking that he thought she was ugly now because he'd said pretty instead of beautiful.

He hadn't made _that_ mistake again.

All in all it had been a long three months, and he was glad that he was finally going to be able to go home…or at least somewhere outside of the four walls of the hospital. Since his parents had disowned him they had sold their house and moved permanently to Barbados, or so he'd heard from his Uncle Peter who had come to see him a few days ago, and his Uncle had offered to let him come stay with him but the only drawback was that he lived almost two hours away…and Jesse knew that he just couldn't be that far away from Rachel, it just wasn't practical. He'd found out through his Uncle that while his parents had sold the house and relocated, they'd left his trust fund completely intact and he could now access it due to the fact that he was over 18. This relieved him slightly considering he'd wondered what he was going to do for money now that he was practically an orphan and he'd thanked his uncle for everything but had made his decision…he was going to get an apartment close to the school and ask Rachel to move in with him. She couldn't live with Mr. Schue forever and they were going to have a family soon; he wanted them to be together. But before he asked her to move in, there was something he had to do first.

He stood before the mirror and straightened his tie, cocking his head as he took in his reflection. He looked much like the Jesse St. James from before the accident, but there was something new in his eyes…something that hadn't been there before. He wasn't sure exactly what it was, but he felt like something inside of him had changed in a good way, and that going through everything he'd gone through had actually been good for him, in a strange sort of way. He smoothed down a few of his curls, which had surprisingly grown back even better than before, and turned away from the mirror as he caught a glimpse of Zack leaning in the doorway.

"You're early." He said absently, rummaging through his suit case for the cologne that he wanted to wear for the performance. He knew that he'd put it in there earlier but now it appeared to have gone missing. "Where's Rach?"

"I'm going to go get here in a second; I just wanted to talk to you first." Zack said, sounding anxious and nervous. Jesse turned to look at him and noticed there was something off about the guy, and he felt the need to ask him what was wrong.

"Sure. What's up?"

"You remember how Anna was supposed to come here a couple weeks ago but she couldn't because her sister almost died in that accident?"

"Vaguely. I remember you telling Rachel about it." He said, wondering what this had to do with him.

"Well, it's about her sis—"

"Jesse, we need you in the rehearsal room." A blonde woman said anxiously, sticking her head in the room and cutting Zack off mid-sentence. "It's time for your run through." Jesse cursed and thanked the woman for letting him know before grabbing his shoes and bolting for the door, telling Zack that he'd see him later before running out the door and down the hall.

If only he'd stayed for a few seconds longer, he might've saved himself a whole bunch of trouble and pain.

*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE* 

When Zack picked Rachel up from her house, almost half an hour late, she was already starting to panic. She'd been unable to fit into the dress that she'd purchased specifically for the event and had scrambled in an effort to find something perfect to wear. She wanted to look really good for Jesse's first real performance since the accident and she couldn't help but feel like she'd failed in her simple red dress. It went down to just above her knees and it was low cut in the front, but it just seemed so plain compared to her usual outfits. She had bought the most perfect teal colored dress that had sequins and a beaded bodice and had made her baby bump look more adorable than whale like, and he was very upset that it hadn't fit her when she'd tried to get into it that evening. So she was already in a bad mood, and Zack showing up late made her even angrier, so she chose to give him the silent treatment the entire way to the hospital. When they got there Rachel was saddened to see that they didn't have time to go see Jesse before his performance so she and Zack filed into the entertainment room of the clinic and got the closest seats to the front row as they possibly could.

Finally after what felt like an eternity of waiting, the curtain rose and the lights dimmed and the show commenced as Rachel's excitement levels rose. She loved watching live performances, and anytime she got to witness someone display their talent she felt like her own rose. She was soon finding the thrill of the performances getting slightly less and less enthusiastic as the first performer butchered a rendition of Celine Dion's hit ballad "My Heart Will Go On" and by the time the third performer preformed a ten minute interpretive dance set to "Thriller" by Michael Jackson, she had all but given up. Jesse had warned her about the mediocrity of some of the other acts but she had thought that he meant mediocre compared to him, not compared to the entire human race. Rachel wondered how some of these people even managed to get up on stage; they were so horrible, so when Jesse's name was called she wasn't sure if she was more excited about him performing or the fact that someone with actual talent was going to perform.

Jesse walked out onto the stage with an acoustic guitar and a stool and Rachel wondered what exactly was going on, considering she hadn't even known he could play guitar. He set up the stool and sat down as one of the techies but a mic down in front of him, and he tapped on it to ensure that it was working.

"Hello, everybody." He said into the mic, smiling at the people in the audience. "This is for you, Rachel." He started to play the guitar and when she realized what song he was playing she felt her heart freeze in her chest as he started to sing.

_Hello, I love you  
Won't you tell me your name?  
Hello, I need you, like a bullet to my brain  
It seems I'm never breaking free  
While you sit and watch me bleed  
When the night falls there's nowhere to go_

As his words swept through her she did her best to remain composed, not wanting to ruin the performance with her tears. His voice was so hauntingly beautiful and she could see the pain in his eyes and the fact that the only backing track was an acoustic guitar that he played made it even more stunning and evocative.  
_  
I won't let you in let you see me cry.  
I can't give you that satisfaction this time  
I'm so tired of getting up off the floor  
I won't take this anymore.  
I won't take this anymore._

She figured that this part was about the drug addiction that had threatened to take over his entire life, and that the last lines were about his decision to get clean. She loved that he'd chosen a song that would mean so much to him, and to her, and she felt her eyes clouding with tears as he transitioned into the next chorus, cutting out a few lines to make it flow better.__

Is hell still beneath me?  
Or am I already there?  
It seems I'm never breaking free  
While you sit and watch me bleed  
When the night falls there's nowhere to go

I won't let you, won't let you see me cry.  
I can't give you that satisfaction this time  
You're never gonna spread your disease  
So take your hands off of me  
I'm so tired of getting up off the floor  
I won't take this anymore  
I won't take this anymore

The music changed ever so slightly at this point and she furrowed her brown, wondering what he was doing.__

Me, I'm used to being tired and bloody  
But you believed that I could be somebody  
You put your world on hold for me  
Gave away to follow failure through the fire  
I need you to know I will  
Believe me girl I'm so tired of running  
I just wanna hold your hand  
Stare at you like you've got everything I need

At this point the tears were falling down her cheeks steadily as she realized what he'd done for her. Jesse was not a fan of mash ups, he despised them in fact, so the fact that he'd mashed up the songs together to create the perfect song for the two of them made her heart swell and the tears roll down her cheeks. She'd never been more proud of him in her life and she was thankful that she'd had the presence of mind to bring a camera to record the performance.__

And when you found me I was barely breathing  
You take my heart and you make it even  
I'll be your strong side, I've grown  
And every part of me will never go back  
Its what you started in me you better know I'm all yours. 

After he sang those lines she knew that she'd made the right decision, that even though things seemed difficult in the moment they'd ultimately overcome the adversity and had beaten the odds. Yes, he'd dabbled in drugs and gone through rehabilitation but now he was up there in front of all of these people vowing to never go back and mess things up again and she believed the sincerity behind his words. She could feel hear heart swelling in her chest as she beamed up at him, catching his eye as his voice cracked on the last line of the verse.  
_  
So believe me when I say  
You're amazing, you're amazing and its true.  
No one can save me, so baby save me like you do  
This is crazy, yeah its crazy but its true  
Baby save me, baby, baby, save_

And I do wanna love you  
If you see me running back  
And I do wanna try  
Because if falling for you girl is crazy  
Then I'm going out of my mind  
So hold back your tears this time

And what if I never said to you I was dynamite  
And what if I never told you I'm afraid to cry  
What if I never let you down  
And said I'm sorry for the nights I can't remember  
What if I never said to you I would try

He may never have said it loud but she knew these things about him, she knew about the insecurities he'd spent a lifetime trying to hide from everyone. She knew about them because she knew him, probably better than he knew himself. She knew that he'd wanted to say so many things after the accident but had never been able to put them into words, so he'd done it the only way he knew how; through a song. And quite personally, Rachel found that it was easier to express your feelings through song than through words any day. She hadn't even realized it herself as of yet but she found that she didn't blame anyone for the events that had led them to this point, that it had all been just a speed bump on the road of their love. The fact that they could withstand a separation, a drug addiction, a near death experience, a coma, and a teenage pregnancy with twins just proved how solid and interchangeable their love was. There were so many obstacles in their way yet somehow they'd managed to come out on the other side relatively unscathed and stronger than ever, where many other couples would have fallen at the wayside.

_Yeah Yeah Yeah_

And I do wanna love you  
(If you see me running back)  
And I do wanna try  
Because if falling for you girl is crazy  
Then I'm going out of my mind  
So hold back your tears this time

'cuz you're amazing, you're amazing and its true  
No one can save me, no one can save me like you do  
Yeah this is crazy, yeah its crazy but its true  
Baby save me, baby save me like you do  
Baby save me like you do

It was then that she realized, tears streaming silently down her face as she smiled enthusiastically up at him, that Jesse St. James was truly her soul mate, and that she would never let anything come between them ever again.


	24. AN: SEQUEL

True Love Murder

Sequel to Brave New World.

NOTE:

This is not an actual chapter unfortunately. I had several chapters written for BNW backed up on my F Drive and they got deleted by my roommate so I've decided to END brave new world and start fresh with a sequel.

The sequel hasn't been written yet, but I hope to power write a few chapters in the next few days so that I can start writing and get things moving on.

Don't lose faith in me guys, BNW will not die!


End file.
